Dating in My 40’s — #25 I’m Not Needy, Thank You Very Much
I have been separated and divorced for two years now, which has allowed me to have a decent number of dating and relationship experiences. In a few cases I found myself dating someone that either called me needy or described my behavior in a way that I would interpret as needy.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the idea of being seen as needy. This is never a compliment. For a woman, it is usually the word used by your significant other when he is really, really annoyed with you or your behavior. For me, it is the kiss of death for a relationship. It has often meant that he was growing tired of me and didn’t like all the attention I was giving to him (or all the attention I was expecting from him).
My Relationship Aha! Moment
The guy I dated briefly this month gave me a gift that served as a huge aha! moment for me. I could never repay him enough for this enlightenment he brought into my life about relationships. He told me that a woman he once dated actually broke up with him by telling him about a book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. She told him to read the book and that he should look at the part where the author describes the avoidant attachment style because that was her relationship style. He told me that he read the book after the breakup and realized that he had an anxious attachment style in relationships. He also realized why she broke up with him, because her avoidant attachment style caused her to feel they were getting too close and she needed to pull away.
He began to summarize for me the styles that are described in the book. About half the population has a secure attachment style in relationships. This would be the most normal set of behaviors when attaching to someone in a love relationship. Oh, if we could all have the secure attachment style, relationships would be so much easier and smoother to manage. Unfortunately, about a quarter of the population has an avoidant attachment style and the other quarter has an anxious attachment style. The anxious person is hypersensitive to the little signs that the other person in the relationship is pulling back or not showing the same level of interest. The anxious person can also overreact at times because he or she has a fear that the other person will leave or avoid him or her. The avoidant person is afraid to get too close to his or her significant other. The moment he gets close and intimate in the relationship, the discomfort sets in and he will pull away or put more distance between him and his partner. As you can see from these descriptions, the anxious person and the avoidant person don’t work out sometimes because the anxious person will feel the avoidant pulling away and will demand more until finally driving the avoidant away for good.
Reframing Neediness into a Style of Relationship Attachment
This was fascinating to me! Do you know what this means? I’m not needy. And when I was with the men that called me needy, I can now see that they had avoidant attachment styles. Each and every one of them was classic avoidant. I have since read the book and found that the authors believe that the anxious or secure person often finds him or herself with an avoidant because the avoidant person makes it back into the dating pool more often. The avoidant person tends to end relationships more frequently than the anxious or secure person.
I can’t tell you how happy I was to discover that there is an explanation for my occasional needy behavior. I’m an independent woman with a career, kids, and friends. I don’t need a lot from a man other than companionship and quality time. So I would say my norm does not involve needy behavior. What I was looking for when the “needy” behavior emerged, was for my man to spend more time with me and give me more attention. The more I desired that and expressed how much I wanted to spend more time with him, he felt the intimacy that was building, and his instinct told him to pull away. The more I pushed for time and attention, the more he pulled away. In one relationship, I finally broke up with the guy because I got so tired of trying to express my needs, only to be rebuffed. It has been five months since we broke up and he still texts me to see if I want to get together as friends with the hopes that he can win me back. He thinks he wants a relationship with me again because he misses me. Yet, I know that if I give him the attention he wants, he will soon start to pull away again. That’s the avoidant attachment style at work.
With anxious attachment, the authors note that “even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe.” So back when I was used to my boyfriend texting me several times a day every day and then one day he didn’t text me at all until 6:00 p.m., I was on edge and feeling rejected. My friends told me he was likely just busy and not to stress about it. But for me, I could sense the change and I interpreted this behavior as sudden disinterest. The book taught me that the “overreaction” I often had to the little things I noticed, was just my attachment system activating due to the tiny signals that my guy was giving me that he was pulling away. Several times in a relationship I was told I was reading too much into things, only to find out later that these little signs were true indications that he was losing interest or wanting to pull back.
Anxious Attachment Dating Avoidant Attachment
I can only tell you that if you believe you have an anxious attachment style and you are dating someone that seems to have an avoidant attachment style, then trust your instincts. If you think something seems off, then you are likely right. Even if he won’t agree that something is wrong or he tries to deflect it back on you like it’s your fault for reading into things too much, don’t be deterred. Your instincts are likely right. And don’t expect that you can keep him or her at the level of closeness that you desire. That probably isn’t going to happen. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is hopeless. But it might never end up being the relationship you are hoping for. Now that I’m armed with this knowledge of relationship styles, I’m in search for someone with an attachment style like mine or someone that has a secure attachment style.
If you would like to take a quiz to find out your style or the style of your significant other, you can find an online quiz here:
https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/
Let me know what you think after you take the test and find out your style!
