Dear Daughter: Do You Have the Ability to Keep your Grieving Clean?
You know, as we have often discussed, my Dear Daughter, when we are feeling kind of low, people will often tell us to:
a) try and “cheer up”;
b) “it will all get better”; or
c) some awful variant of “you should be grateful for what you do have,” etc.
Of course, we all know that they mean well — and surely positivity is the necessary goal and desired outcome.
But you know, dammit, we are hurting.
Something has cut us deep.
And — maybe counter-intuitively to some — as you and I have discussed, while yes, we:
a) don’t’ want to dwell obsessively; and
b) of course, need to come out of it —
But don’t we need to feel it first?!!
Feeling It First — In Life
I would humbly suggest that unless we allow ourselves to actually Feel it First, ironically, we are never going to heal.
In other words, if we just gloss over it, don’t go down into those depths — well, then, as you and I have often discussed,
the Pain—the Hurt, just lingers there.
Maybe somewhere deep down in our subconscious — but, oh yeah, it is still there!
And, lo and behold, when we least expect it — BAM, it arises in the most unusual circumstance — and rears its ugly head. How awful!
And God forbid if we are in the midst of some deep conversation — maybe even some argument — with a significant other — and then that pain arises, we hit them right over the head with our subconscious grief — and they don’t usually even know what we are talking about!
And to some extent, neither do we.
So, the pain that isn’t allowed to be understood, to be given a breath to be felt, it will come back to bite us in the ass — one day or another.
So, What is The Solution?
The Solution then is, to actually allow dig down deep inside and allow ourselves to fully feel our pain and grief first (of course, without going overboard, something you Dear Daughter, and I both know all too well.)
Only then, can it be given some clarity, and with that clarity comes the ability to heal, to Grieve Cleanly (TM), if you will.
If we don’t do that, conversely, rest assured it will come back to haunt us.
The Balance Regarding Sharing — In Life, and especially Work
Meanwhile — and this, too, is so important — while we are finding our balance in feeling the pain, what do we do?
If we are allowing ourselves to actually feel the pain and grief, then, by definition, we are not going to be our usual warm and sunny selves, now are we?
Nope, probably not.
What do we do then?
What do we tell our friends, our co-workers — who we think will surely notice the change?
This is a delicate dance, too.
I would humbly suggest that each relationship is its own, sui generis.
So, with some close friends and confidants, maybe, we go ahead and share what we have been through, what is hurting us so.
And, that, “yes, we will deal with it — we will be fine — but, you know, I want to give my pain the dignity of feeling it, to allow it to be cleansed.”
Hopefully, they get it.
But, maybe not.
Not Expressing it at Work
But probably in general it typically wouldn’t make a lot of sense work-wise, to share much, unless it is actually so painful, that it is affecting your own work.
Usually, hopefully — other than in some of the most egregious circumstances, most would not know, and all can continue pretty much as usual.
It would just be those among the most astute who would notice a small difference in your demeanour.
And to them, maybe we just say, “naw, it’s nothing, just working through a few things, all good…”
Again, it’s all a Balance
This will be up to you, what you say, who you say it to, when, and how much!
Knowing your amazing astute abilities in this regard, I am sure that you will do just fine — in any of those somewhat painful situations.
Bottom Line: Be Sure to Grieve Clean (TM) — but Share Carefully
But, as we have also said,
~~~Don’t forget to feel your feelings—honor them—breathe them— And then, that’s how You conquer them!~~~
What do you think, Dear Daughter?
© 2018 Ashton Williams. All Rights Reserved.
