Dear Daughter: Let’s talk a little about caring for someone so much that you are able to let them go
You know, dear daughter, we were just talking recently about how someone—a very dear mentor—whom we thought really really cared for another, seemed to not be as forthcoming as we would have liked, in what she was saying.
In other words, you and I began to wonder,
Why, isn’t she just saying that she really wants her mentee to do ‘x’ instead of the more detached ‘I really want you to do what you think is best’ phrase?
The Objective Standard
On the one hand, the latter kind of advice is — objectively speaking — exactly what one would hope that another would say.
After all, it provides the trust element of it’s your decision, it’s your life, you should really do what you think best.
I mean who can argue with that — especially when so many people seem to not give other’s credit for their ability to best make their own decisions.
The Emotional Standard
And yet, on an emotional level — as this person also described — she had the feeling, too that “well, if she really loves me this much, and cares for me this much, why isn’t she just saying, ‘I want you to do ‘x’”
That was the mystery. The conundrum.
So, Which Standard Is It?
Well, tough one — but actually, in my own humble opinion, it is an even higher form of love and respect to be able to say to someone — someone whose heart does, in fact want them to stay, or to do ‘x’; in fact nothing would make that person happier—
but, to be able to truly honour that other person, this person is taking the highest form of dispassionate attachment.
The person is saying — you shouldn’t be deciding something based on our relationship, incredible as it may be.
The person is saying — you shouldn’t decide ‘x’ based on how I feel about you.
The person is saying, no, you should be making your decision based on what you feel is best.
The Ultimate Form of Caring
And, that I would submit is an even higher form of caring, of honouring another’s soul.
Saying, I leave it to you. Don’t think about us, or me, but think about what’s best for you.
By viewing the situation through that lens, the person is really trying to help the other person make the best possible solution without adding any deep emotions.
The Butterfly Analogy
And this reminded me then, of another beautiful — but somewhat painful — moment in the past—
a time when a person was so so close to someone that they used to speak nearly daily—
when it was a joy to hear and share all the ‘latest and greatest’ in the other person’s life—
quietly, savouring it all — never interrupting — and only offering opinions if asked at the end.
That was sublime — for both people.
Mutual Honour and Mutual Respect (and some guidance, only when needed)
Then came that day — and, of course, it was totally mutual — when both people decided, that ‘you know, as beautiful as this relationship is, it is important for both of us to create a little distance — and no longer speak daily.’
Because, how else will the other person be able to—
find her own wings,
flap and fall,
make some of her own mistakes,
and truly experience life.
The guidance and the mutual adoration will always be there — but it is time for the lovely butterfly to spread her wings — and do a little flying on her own.
Was It Painful? Absolutely.
But, was it then exquisite — to also now see the growing independence (which was always there, now just a bit more formidable), and the deep breadth of where this now took the other?
Absolutely, positively, and even more joyously.
And, so dear daughter, as we started out saying above, sometimes, letting one go is actually even a higher form of love, not a lesser one at all.
And… what do you think?
© 2018 Ashton Williams. All Rights Reserved.
