Dear Man from the Internet
Sincerely, that girl from Hinge
It started in pretty much the same way any dating app interaction starts. You said hi, I responded.
You asked if we could call instead of text — that was a first.
Weird, but sure, why not? You called, we talked, I laughed. You were charming and put me at ease. I can’t say I liked you yet, but I didn’t dislike you. And that’s about as good as anyone gets from me after a first impression.
You asked me out.
I said sure. We made plans for the following day. I was a bit thrown off — I wasn’t expecting us to meet up that soon — but we had already talked for an easy hour and a half, and our plans were to go out to a trail and hike around.
I recommended the trail, knowing it’s a highly populated one.
Later that night, I told my roommates where and when I was meeting you.
I was checking every box on the “What women need to do to hopefully be safe on a first date” checklist.
That checklist disgusts me.
And still I’m terrified of not following it to the minutest detail. I don’t want to be added to the list of girls who were “asking for it” when they most certainly were not.
Dear society,
You realize if a woman is “asking for it” she is very obvious, right? Like she uses words and is excited about what’s happening. Wearing a cute outfit or getting drunk at the bar does not mean she is “asking” for anything.
It was a disgusting f*cked up excuse the first time, and only gets worse each time you use it to shame us for the wrongs that you commit.
This society has done neither of us a favor
Dear man from the internet, I’m not gonna lie, you had red flags (please take note of the “s” at the end of that word).
But I also don’t know you, and if I’m looking for red flags I can find them in the best of people. I don’t want to be naive, I also don’t want to shut down every time a man shows interest in me. This f*cked up society tells me that if I don’t give a guy a chance, I’m playing hard to get. It’s the same society that will happily denounce me and say I’m a naive idiot and “should have known better” than to be in that situation with that guy.
Spoiler alert, I have a lot of insecurities, but I tried not to let you see them. I don’t want you to know you have a weapon you can use against me.
You said I was pretty, beautiful, your type. You flattered me and complimented me. It was sweet.
You also tried to tell me how I felt about kissing you. You said you hadn’t seen me look this enthusiastic all day! (It was nice, but I didn’t feel particularly enthusiastic).
When we were parting ways, you told me you could see in my eyes that I wanted to make out some more (that’s not what I was thinking). I teased you and said that’s what you wanted to see, not what I actually felt.
I was scared to correct you with anything more than a playful joke. What would happen if you got mad at me?
I turned my head away so that it was obvious that I was serious, and even mentioned again that I was done kissing for today. You leaned over and took my chin in your hand, forcing my face towards yours that was inches away. I resisted and pulled away. You let me go as if you had only just realized that I do indeed have different desires than you do.
It wasn’t violent. It wasn’t aggressive. I realize that this f*cked up society we live in has told you that you need to make the first move. You need to initiate. You need to be seen as strong and decisive and bold in order for women to like you back.
It hasn’t done either of us a favor.
What’s our future?
I keep asking myself this. I felt so thrown off guard when you asked me out again. I really shouldn’t have. I had already turned down spending the rest of the day with you, so it was only natural you would ask for another day.
Maybe it’s just so you can get rid of that rosè you said was up in your apartment — since you don’t like rosè.
Should I have kept my low alcohol tolerance to myself?
I realize I am “overreacting.” But am I really? I feel backed into a corner with no good outcome.
If I say no, it means admitting that my fear of what you have the capacity to do to me is driving my decision. My fear of being added to the list of young women who get blamed for the acts of men who had no right. I would be left with hard decision after hard decision to deal with.
If I say yes, it means opening myself to the possibility that things could get out of hand. Already things felt like they were moving faster than I was really ready for. I told you that. You acted surprised and then made a comment that made me the bad guy in the situation. That scared me.
You also established loud and clear that you were the stronger of the two of us. I already knew. It is the unspoken job of a woman to be aware of that and to silently guide the date so that if possible, it doesn’t come down to brute force. As the smaller partner, you never want it to be brute force, because you will always lose.
Regardless of what I do, I carry the weight of having to act within this f*cked up society. I hate that. I hate that I constantly have to have an exit route in mind in case you do something “rash” in “the heat of the moment” that “he can’t really be expected to control.”
Do you really like being treated like an animal that has no decision making power? Just so you know, that’s how this society sees you.
Me, the prize to be conquered regardless of personal desire; you, the animalistic force that must conquer in order to maintain status as a man.
It’s f*cked up. I hate that we keep putting up with it. I hate that I allow my fear of possible outcomes to guide my actions around you. I feel helpless to create real change and frustrated by the situation we are in as a society. At this point, the only thing I can think of is to be honest with you, and let you see the things you do that scare me. If you have any ideas for how we can work to fix this f*cked up society, let me know.
Until then,
Sincerely, that girl from Hinge
