Elevator Blessing
The elevator began to descend. I glimpsed him from the corner of my eye to discern his expression in order to conclude whether he felt as miserable as me, standing here. Sure enough, his glare apprised me of the fact that his sentiments were just as pessimistic, if not more. He shifted away slightly to his left, cautious to be subtle in showcasing his objective but naturally, his performance wasn’t resume-worthy.
I shifted my gaze to the red numbers indicating how much time I had left with him. How much time I had until I could finally breathe again. Two more floors. Good. I was nearing the closing of this encounter. Nearing the point in time in which I’d never have to sight him again. Judging from his inability to stand still, I perceived we had very mutual feelings towards each other. Come on. Come on. Just one more floor left. That’s not too bad.
As if a demon had decided I was having too good of a day, the lift instantly jolted to a sudden stop, ridding me of my positive illusions. I recognized that the numbers that were progressively decreasing so far had decided to remain at ‘2’ and wouldn’t budge. This can’t be happening. Not with him!
I promptly advanced forward to examine the buttons maturely, pushing back all the panic-stricken thoughts bombarding the whole of my brain. I didn’t glance back at him, no matter how eager I was to distinguish his reaction. I merely pressed the emergency button swiftly and stood still. I finally came to understand how exercise is a blessing in disguise. Taking the stairs might’ve led to a few seconds of panting and a few beads of sweat but at least it would safeguard me from ever coming into awkward contact with my ex.
What should I do? Call my mommy to pick me up? I fished out my phone from my handbag and dialed the first number I came to see. And nada. No signal. Right, of course. Why was I not surprised?
Finally, after debating back and forth with myself thoroughly for about two minutes, I resolved to say something. Provided that we were stuck together without any source of entertainment, awaiting the arrival of our oxygen tanks in the form of the workers, we might as well converse and perhaps even sort out the things that were left undone. Once I eventually mustered up the courage to make eye contact and moved my eyes to his direction, I noticed that he was gazing at me intently, as if expecting me to weep or lose every composure I’ve been maintaining so far which could frankly be a world record. I smiled sheepishly. A few months ago, that’s close to what I would’ve done, actually fainting right on the spot.
“Soooo, the lift is broken, I think.” I declared to him, desperately attempting to diminish the silence creeping up, replacing our limited oxygen.
“Thanks for the info, I had absolutely no idea.” He said sarcastically after which he looked away as if deciding I wasn’t worth his notice.
“You’re clearly as nice as ever.”
“Noted. Appreciate the compliment.”
It was fruitless to attempt having an actual conversation with him, he was too much of a petty child for that. I sat down on the floor that was clearly smeared with dirt beyond my imagination. However, I was utterly nonchalant to the unkempt ground. I was absolutely exhausted from the gruesome day at work and I wasn’t going to stand here, draining myself of energy further just so I could throw my clothes in the washing machine anyway.
I withdrew my copy of ‘Pride And Prejudice’ from my bag. All my companions cackled at the knowledge that I carried a book wherever I went despite the fact that I never needed it. Well, who’s laughing now? I turned to the marked page, resuming my reading without a single hesitation. I felt strange doing this whilst stuck in a lift with a man whom I so loved before. Nevertheless, I didn’t care too much mainly because it didn’t matter to me what he presumed from my actions anymore. He wasn’t anyone to decide the nature of whatever I did from the day we ended things.
“You’ve changed.” He announced eventually, and with such finality in his tone that it seemed as if he’d made a scientific discovery right there on the spot. Okay, Einstein.
I looked up at him, my eyebrows raised. He held my gaze forcefully. I desired to divert my attention back to my book but his look was too intense for me to break the contact. After a few seconds of staring at each other, he lowered himself onto the floor, dropping with a thud. He placed his hands over his knees and rested his head against the wall. He, once again, directed his regard to me which is when I closed my book, setting it aside whilst I could cling on to the prospect of exchanging a few words with him. I situated it near me, very well prepared to have him ignore me.
“You’ve changed, too,” I whispered, even though I didn’t really think so. He was still as intimidating and insensitive, yet charming, as I left him.
“What about me has changed, if so?”
Oh no.
“Uhh…your hair?”
“Ha. I wasn’t referring to exterior features when I mentioned YOUR transformation. I was talking about your need to have everything precise and perfect.”
“I wasn’t like that!”
“Yes, yes you were. You don’t seem to be anymore, though, I suppose.”
I registered that for a moment. I was aware that I wasn’t exactly ‘chill’ but I was pretty definite I wasn’t a control freak.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyway, even if I was as you claim, I’m very glad to hear that I’ve somehow reformed in that case, at least.”
He chuckled lightly and I took into account how absolutely drained he appeared to be. Finally taking heed of his outer appearance, it came to my consciousness how he had grown three years over the course of a few months.
“How’re you actually? You seem…tired?” I was uncertain in asking him so directly but since this was the solitary time we’d really converse, what the hell?
He rubbed his eyes momentarily. He then initiated to observe an ant crawling in the opposite direction. I patiently anticipated a response. His ignorance did little to stir me, he was always a reserved male so I could comprehend the reasoning behind his short silence.
“I don’t know,” he finally replied with, “I’ve been… busy, you could say. With hospital bills and the heavy workload unwilling to decrease, it’s been slightly tuff.”
The word ‘hospital’ grasped all my attentiveness and I ceased to hear out the rest of his words.
“Hospital bills? What hospital bills?” I asked frantically, obvious concern plastered on my forehead.
“Oh yeah. Mum is a bit unwell…”
“Oh. Please give her my best regards. She’s an inspiring woman, indeed and I wouldn’t ever want anything unfortunate to surpass her.”
“Will do” and with that he was up on his feet again, straightening himself, getting rid of invisible remnants on his shirt.
“I still love you.” I declared softly from where I was seated, my eyes fixated on the heels of my shoes, examining them like never before.
“I don’t understand you. I brought nothing but pain to your life. You worried about me more than yourself. You’d call me during work just to make sure I’d ate and only then you’d eat yourself. And on weekends, you’d devote your entire day to caring for me so as to make up for what you couldn’t do on the weekdays. You’re an angel, really and I definitely don’t deserve you. No man does. I once even came to the decision to overdose on sleep meds just because I’d lost you and I couldn’t get you back as that’d be extremely selfish on my part.”
His words were enough to cause me to tear up and I had to restrain myself from sobbing full-out. He supposed that he was a pain in my life? How stupid was that?
“You’re wrong,” I started, my voice shaking uncontrollably, “you made me feel safe. Before yourself, all my past lovers were ones who’d abuse me, some mentally and some physically. Yes, I put in a lot of effort into ensuring your happiness but that was only because of how secure you made me feel. I felt like I was in the arms of heaven when you’d make me smile and laugh. You made me who I am today.”
He sighed. I gazed up at him, only to see his expression full of sadness and hopelessness. Definitely not the happy lovey-dovey one I was expecting.
“We can’t be together. I know you haven’t moved on fully and I just need you to know that you should. In fact, you must.” Why was he being like this?
I was a tad bit hurt by his words. I was aware that we were broken up and my reaction made absolutely no sense but I just loved him so much. His reply hinted to me that he possibly had a girlfriend and that pained me more than it should’ve.
“We can try?” the volume of my voice decreased to almost inaudible and I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact once again which is why I resolved a second time to stare at an object unrelated to the situation at hand.
He sighed once again. “The last thing I want for you is to be upset but…”
He was interrupted by the opening of the lift and the faces of the workers whom I so longed to detect a few minutes ago. The faces that I now disdained because I had no more time left with him. They rushed in to restore me back to safety whereas he just left swiftly, without anyone’s notice. Well, anyone but mine.
“Ma’am, are you alright?” One of them asked, concern clear in his husky voice. I nodded, my eyes still scanning the area outside from where I was standing, attempting to somehow locate him. Nope.
It had been two days since my unexpected encounter when I came up with an unpredictable solution. I would venture off to his home and demand we sit down somewhere, other than an elevator floor, and communicate. This could either result in absolute closure, meaning our relationship would cease forever and that would be it or, we’d exchange a few I-love-yous and tada, back together. I very much hoped for the latter.
Upon reaching his front door, I contemplated for a good five minutes about whether I was really benefiting myself with the step I was about to take. But you know what? Screw my stupid debate. I was going to go in there and I was going to be granted the love of my life. Even if I’d have to fight another bitch just to get to him.
I ringed the doorbell rather forcefully. I was more than ready. And the lucky person who answered was… his Mother. I assumed she’d be in the hospital but perhaps her illness wasn’t as serious as I’d thought.
“Libby, is that you? Oh goodness gracious, my precious child, it’s really you!” Her expression was absolutely so pure and genuine, I could weep. She hugged me tightly, and I hugged my future Mother-In-Law back.
“It’s great to see you again. I’d love to sit down and chit chat with you, ma’am but, I really can’t afford to right now.” I stated. I needed to see him instantly. My heart was palpitating out of my chest and I couldn’t control myself any longer.
“Sure, dear. I understand. What can I do for you?”
I breathed in. “I was wondering whether I could talk to Ben? For a while. Just for a while.”
His mother looked at me strangely but almost immediately, her peculiar expression was replaced with sadness and despair. What?
“Oh yeah, I want to talk to him too. We all do.” Huh?
“Is he not at home, ma’am?”
“You could say that.”
“Do you know when’s he coming back?”
“Only in the next life.”
I scrunched up my nose in confusion. What was she talking about? I didn’t have time for fantasy-talk, I don’t know how she missed that point of mine. Noticing the uncertainty in my expression, her eyes widened like mine do when the main character in a horror movie has a ghost behind her.
“Oh… you don’t know?” Once again, what was she on about?
“Don’t know what?”
“Ben passed away three months ago from an overdose.”
