Ending The Anger Epidemic
I’m a bottler. Most of the time when people annoy or hurt me, they don’t know it, because I’ll bottle those feelings and “keep on keeping on.” Of course, occasionally, if someone continues to irritate me (usually someone I’m close to), the pressure in that bottle gets too strong, and I blow up. But like any explosion, my anger is quick to die away also.
For years, I’d heard that my coping mechanism was not only bad for my relationships but also unhealthy for me. I’m not a psychologist, but I am a novelist. I study people. There’s something contagious about emotions. So, I figured that while bottling emotions may not be great, expressing every emotion you ever feel is probably not beneficial either.
Don’t believe me? Try this experiment: The next time you go to the store, make it your business to smile and greet every person you meet warmly. Take note of how many people smile back and seem happy.
And these are just strangers. Your family and friends’ attitudes rub off on each other and you. There’s science behind it; in a 2008 study, James H. Fowler and Nicholas A. Christakis found that when a close friend was happy it increases your happiness by 25%.
Happiness is not the only contagious emotion, though, anger is contagious too. In a romantic relationship, that can spiral out of control. Anger feeds anger until the person you’re supposed to love more than anyone in the world becomes the person you can’t stand. But is there a way to combat that without resorting to bottling our emotions completely?
The short answer is, yes. Instead of bottling until blow-up, a healthier way is to suppress negative emotions enough to gently release them. These four steps may help the next time you have an argument.
- Practice techniques so that when anger comes (and it will), you can process it peacefully. Prayer time, meditation and reflection are all techniques people have found to have calming effects. Train your inner voice to be peaceful. As my pastor often says, “What’s in the well, comes up in the bucket.”
- Quarantine your emotions. If you’re angry about something at work, don’t bring it home. Give yourself the time you need to decompress and wind down. Go for a walk in the park. Listen to your favorite song. Read a funny book. Grab a piece of chocolate. Do whatever you need to to bring yourself to a place of peace. This doesn’t mean you’ll never experience anger; it’s a natural human emotion. It does mean that you won’t let your anger at others spill over into your relationship.
- Regulate your reactions. If your partner is screaming, dropping the tone of your voice may help to defuse the situation. If it doesn’t, calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but you’re being hurtful right now. Can we please take some time to think this through before we continue this discussion?” Then walk away. If you are in a healthy relationship, your partner will give you time to cool off.
- Own your part of the argument. Arguments are rarely black and white. Take the time you need to realize where you were wrong and humbly apologize for it without wanting an apology in return. Is this hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely. If your partner values you, they will admit their part of their argument as well, and this will aid healing.
While these steps aren’t guaranteed to lead to an entirely peaceful relationship, they will help stop the spread of contagious anger without bottling all your emotions up. By acknowledging our emotions and carefully (and appropriately) releasing them at those affecting our mood, we can develop healthier relationships. It may not lead to world peace, but it will bring peace into your little corner of the world.
(Please note, if your partner gets violent, please do whatever you can to safely get away and call the police. This advice is for relationships that aren’t abusive. Abuse is a conscious choice on the part of the abuser. If you are being abused, call 911 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233.)
