Family Ties
My family ties are stretched, the lines crisscross the country. We are connected by the thin thread of random texts and social media.
I lay in my lover’s arms in the heat of Hawaii. We sleep close, my head on his chest. I am close enough to feel his breath. It’s sticky and comforting. I moved here to be with him, and I haven’t felt this safe since childhood. But I’m homesick. I miss my kids.
In the morning I get up and check my inbox for messages from family. Facebook messenger and texts are the ways we stay connected between the islands, the Midwest and the Pacific Northwest. A simple reply or “I love you” from an adult child or cousin can make my whole day.
There have been times when the kids weren’t speaking to me, and I wasn’t talking to their Grandparents. We were all estranged. It’s a family tradition, my father never spoke to one of his brothers during my whole life.
Unanswered texts were all painful reminders of how I’d messed up somehow. Every mother tries her best but doubts herself. Then when the kids grow up angry, it confirms every doubt about your parenting you ever had.
You cringe and wonder what exactly it was that you did that disappointed your children. You have some guesses, but each child has a different rendition of their childhood. It’s impossible to know. You swallow your pride over and over by reaching out to remind them of the good stuff. Then it works, and they pick up a phone or answer your texts, and suddenly all is right in the world.
That’s what family means though, you don’t burn bridges you can close them down, but they’re still there. You are connected by shared memories and experiences. Deny it, and the monuments of the past will remind you with a tug at heartstrings at the most inconvenient times.
A simple question about your own childhood squeezes your chest for a moment. You don’t want to confess to this stranger your family is messed up and angry. The holidays are hard, this is when you take stock of who is speaking to who and remember when everybody still got together.
The thing is the holidays bring excuses to reconnect. Second or even third chances are given. This is the meaning of family.
