Finding happiness in Modern-Family paradigm
Having a happy and content family is one of the biggest challenges for modern families. There are families where dinner gets over without having a conversation between the couple. After a long tiring day, they sit next to each other with their phones in their hands. Some go to party and check their phones every 5 minutes.
Have we ever given it a thought that how we have started going short on conversations. How there’s nothing to talk even when you are not looking at your phone. And then you end up checking the phone again. I wouldn’t deny that I was also doing and experiencing bits of it.
If you have followed my previous blogs, it’s not a news that how much I despise phones around kids. So, I used to think that “no gadget around my son” part of my life was sorted. Well, my 4 year old son bursted that bubble last month. It was a usual evening. I picked him from school, we came home, having regular conversations about his school. I asked him something and suddenly, he said, “mom, can you please be quite. I have an important call”. Now, that was a polite statement and it wasn’t said in a bad tone or something. But, it felt harsh. As if what I was saying wasn’t important :(
What he quoted was not very different from what I or my husband used to tell him sometimes when we got calls from work. I didn’t realize how he would have felt when I shut him off for a phone call. Did I shake his self-esteem a bit by making him feel what he was saying wasn’t more important than that call???
This small incident triggered a big storm within me. Suddenly, I could see what I had been doing wrong, terribly. I had “no gadget in his hand”, not really “no gadget around him”. I realized how I was spending all my evenings with him but it’s not an evening where all my notifications from WhatsApp, fb, instagram, slack are muted. How I had the urge to check my phone every 10 mins. How I wasn’t paying my undivided attention to his talks or one of his new lego blocks. I started questing when did I have a conversation with him with an eye contact.
During this juggle inside me, i also realized it’s not just with my son. Even when my husband comes back home, he would be checking his emails/slacks/PRs every now & then. And how conversations were lacking quality.
Mindfulness is not a secret today!!!
There are plenty of articles and researches out there about how important it is for human beings to be mindful and its benefits. What still amazes me how well aware I was of it and was still spending my family time without it. Thankfully this wasn’t happening for long and I clearly knew how we as a family could fix this.
Here come the Rules to rescue!!!
My husband & I came up with certain rules. We derived names for every hour that we spend from 5–10:30 pm with family. They go like, ‘snack & catch up time’, the conversation that happens as soon as my son is back from school. The conversations about him, his friends, teachers, his day. We also ask a question to each other.
What was the best part of your day?
All of us have to answer that. That in a way makes us think what was that one moment where I was really happy today. Sometimes, it’s a productive meeting or walk with my girls, or that moment when we are having this conversation. Similar rules for dinner-time, folder-time, bed-time. All these times, the phone is either on the fridge or stairs. No one cares. Another follow similar when we take our son for bike rides. He rides and we walk & talk. Sometimes we leave our phones at home. But, the most important one is bed time. We leave our phones downstairs when we put our son to bed. We read, talk, sing, brush. Anything but phone. The same rules we follow between me & my husband. We don’t talk to each other with the phones in our hand now. The other person stops talking if you are not paying attention. And then we dedicate 15 mins specifically for emails, notifications catch up but when we come to bed, we talk.
I also do a small thing, just for me. I love my mornings. It is the most peaceful time of the day. I wake up at 6 am and spend an hour with myself. I enjoy my tea in backyard, walk around, meditate (remember, mindfulness), prep for my dance class, make plan for the day. Once my family wakes up at 7 am, then the sprint starts and I am all up for it.
We already see a difference!!!
There has been a significant impact in our lifestyle after these small changes. We share, make fun of each other, cuddle, look at old pictures. I have more time to write and the most amazing fact is I am more productive at work. Work is not on my mind when I am home so when I get back to work, I am happy because i came back to it after a break.
P.S. there are some days where I would be releasing a product and I would be working in evenings or late nights. Its not a fairy tale, right!!! But I try to call those days, exceptions. Again, not like “exceptions in Chemistry” which happen at par to normal ;)
In short, I do what makes me feel fulfilled. If your phone is being your best friend, time for some introspection. Try talking to a human being next time, try a new hobby if you don’t have an old one, run, loose weight, read, play board games. Gosh, there’s so much!! Do it for yourself, do it for your family.
Gadgets give me short lived entertainment, not contentment and I am learning to mute it, oops, use it, wisely :)
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