First Date
A mystery of memory
Darby never forgot how beautiful he looked, standing there, in front of the bar, his eyes wandering aimlessly around the room. Nick’s expression reminded her of a puppy searching for his owner, curiously tracking a faint scent. He seemed utterly lost, yet Darby trusted that he knew exactly where to find her. Deep in his subconscious, further downstream the river of chemicals flowing through his brain, there remained a small part of him that had played out this scene a hundred times before. Darby was so sure of this, so unquestioning of Nick’s intuition, not because she trusted him or the program, but because her marriage depended on it.
In Darby’s eyes, temporary memory suspension (TMS) was still a young, unproven process that warranted skepticism. Its creators boasted that users could safely block out specific collections of memories for a short period of time. You could relive parts of your life as if they had yet to happen. For Darby and Nick, it was about re-experiencing the first time they met each other. They were promised that for just one night, they could forget they were ever married and be transported down memory lane to their first date.
Nick never seemed to shy away from risk, which for Darby was both a blessing and a curse. In their relationship, she loved the gambles but hated the uncertainty that followed. Some girls boasted a hunger for endless adventure but really craved stability. Darby was dubious of both. Nick always told her that the world had a purpose and a path for her, and in the end, he and she would both find themselves in the place they were meant to be. Darby thought that was bullshit, but she never said so to the man that brought her so much joy.
Weeks of trying conversations and disputes passed before the two came to an agreement about entering the program. Nick bore an uncanny ability to turn Darby’s non-compliance into mild hesitation. It was part of his charm. She agreed to test the program one time but at a lower-than-recommended dose. Nick happily agreed, and three days later they were standing at the doorstep of Westbay Industries, ready to cross over the threshold into another world entirely. Sitting in the lab room, Darby was terrified. As the needle entered her temple, she gripped her unconscious husband’s hand as hard as she could, like she was holding onto the world they were leaving.
Despite Darby’s fears, their first time was amazing. It was as if they had entered into a parallel universe, yet inside the same world, within a controlled environment, but full of infinite possibilities. The contradictions didn’t matter to Darby. All that occupied her mind was the gorgeous, well-kept man who couldn’t take his eyes off of her. The words they exchanged, drinks they offered to each other, and sex they had on that first, experimental night felt so brilliant, so memorable, so real. The best part for Darby was waking up next to Nick the following morning and being able to look into the eyes of a man who was both her husband and her lover.
Nick wanted to do it again. Darby agreed, but she wouldn’t take the injection this time. She knew she didn’t need to forget about Nick to savor his enchantment. The two went for broke in half a dozen different first-date scenarios, some of them particularly exotic. But Darby cherished the one that was true to their story, in that run-down dive bar on the edge of town.
Tonight was around their 30th, maybe 40th time, she couldn’t really keep track. Maybe that was the point.
Dressed in thin fabric that pressed softly against her thighs, Darby walked boldly over to the unsuspecting man at the bar. Her swank quickly caught Nick’s attention- in fact, while she was walking, there was scarce anyone in the room who wasn’t fixated on her. This unabashedly sexy version of Darby wasn’t the same one that approached Nick on their real first night, but it was the one that Darby had longed to personify. Nick tried to pretend that he wasn’t watching her, turning his head over to the bartender. It didn’t work. Darby planted herself right next to him, ready to detain him.
“Hey.”
Nick turned towards her. She followed up.
“Do you come here often?”
As the words left her lips, Darby grinned at the irony. Nick smiled.
“What a cliché”
“Yeah, I bet you’ve heard it all before”
“You wouldn’t believe it.”
They paused to look at one another, if but for a moment-
“What’s your name?”
“Darby.”
“That’s a nice name.”
“You can thank my mother for that.”
“Should I thank her for your body as well?”
She giggled like a schoolgirl. This game of cat-and-mouse that her and Nick played with their words and their eyes, trying to capture each other’s desire, was utterly thrilling to Darby. She could dangle her body in front of Nick as long as she wanted before he took the bait, carrying her off to his house, their house, to continue a night of virgin romance.
“So, are you going to buy me a drink, or what?”
“Woah. That was quick. Um, I don’t know.”
Nick could be so stupid sometimes, she thought.
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“We only just met.”
“Isn’t that the idea?”
“I guess so…”
“The answer is yes. Listen, I’m going to the bathroom, and when I come back, I want you to keep talking to me, OK?”
Nick nodded. Darby smiled and sashayed over towards the bathroom, making sure that her husband caught the view. This was the hook before the line and sinker: she was giving him some time to think about his next course of action. As Darby was fluffing up her hair, staring at herself in the mirror, she thought about all the other girls in the bar: how desperate and lost they were, prostrating themselves before any man to earn validation and approval. While they were hooking up, journeying to unfamiliar houses with untrustworthy strangers, Darby got the best of both worlds with her husband. If any of these girls could see the grin on her face as she exited the bathroom, they might suspect that Darby was about to score the night of her life. They wouldn’t be wrong.
As she started walking back over to the bar, Darby noticed a woman standing next to Nick. In fact, she wasn’t just standing next to him, but talking to him. She was beautiful, and more: the look on her face conveyed unassuming, yet confident posture and personality. Darby could see the scene play out in her expression. The fluttering of her eyes, the flaring of her nostrils, pursing of her lips all told Darby about the words that she and Nick were exchanging. A feeling of despair began to creep up Darby’s spine. But it wasn’t the woman’s look that scared her the most. It was Nick’s.
Frantic, Darby began marching over to the bar. She stopped when she saw Nick lean in. Then the other woman leaned in.
They kissed.
“Excuse me, may I borrow him for a minute?”
“Um, hi, what-”
Darby didn’t waste time allowing the skinny bitch to protest. She dragged Nick by his arm to the other end of the bar.
“Hey, listen, I’m a bit busy at the moment-”
She interrupted him.
“No- Nick, listen to me.”
“Wait, how do you know my name?”
“Nick, get a grip, OK?
“What the fuck are you saying? Who are you?”
Son of a bitch. Why was he acting this way? Some kind of joke? Was he pretending that he didn’t know Darby and score with a different girl that night?
Darby sighed. She knew that the dose Nick had taken was too high to be able to snap out of the trance. It was like he was in a short coma, and Darby would just have to wait until the next morning for him to wake up. In the meantime, she needed to get him away from this woman. She quickly devised a plan.
“OK, OK Nick, I’m going to be straight with you. I know you because I work for the local police department, and there is a potential you are in danger right now. You need to come with me into protective custody.”
“What kind of bullshit is this-”
Darby snapped.
“Listen, Nick, we don’t have much time, so…”
“Oh yeah? If I was in so much trouble why did you go to the bathroom and leave me out here alone?”
“I was hoping you’d come with me. I was actually headed towards one of the back exits.”
“This is so stupid. Who the fuck would be wanting to hurt me?”
She paused and took a deep breath.
“Heath Cummings.”
It was a shot in the dark. In fact, it wasn’t much of a shot at all. Yes, they had a nasty neighbor named Heath who held a grudge against Nick. The first year they had lived at their current home, Heath’s wife of 64 had died in a tragic hit-and-run car accident with a drunk driver. As soon as she heard, Darby, having gone through a similar trial with her mother, made an honest effort to console and provide for her devastated neighbor. But Heath’s unfathomable grief turned into crazed anger when he learned that Nick had been drunk driving the same night his wife died.
Despite there being no damage to Nick’s car and reassurances from multiple witnesses, Heath was persistent in his belief that Nick killed his wife. It was something that had always disturbed Nick during his and Darby’s time at home, but Darby didn’t think that he would be able to remember that now, standing in a crowded bar with his memory suspended. Imagine her surprise when Nick responded to her utterance with a look of fright and bewilderment. Darby pounced on the opportunity.
“You do know him, right?”
“Ok, yeah, but he’s not going to kill me.”
“Who said anything about him trying to kill you?”
Nick paused.
“Ok, what did he say?”
“I can’t share details with you-”
“Great.”
“-but we have reason to believe he’s on his way here right now, and we understand that you two have a bad history”
Nick looked like a confused child. Darby saw a million questions going through his head as his face began to tense up.
“How do you know any of this? I didn’t tell anyone but my- um, my…”
He just stopped. It was as if the frantic bees flying around his head hit a wall. There was a part of his memory that he just couldn’t access, Darby realized, and she would have to capitalize on that weakness if she wanted to protect him. Jumping around to the parts of Nick’s consciousness that were still accessible and useful to Darby would be like navigating a difficult maze, at least until his memory came back, but she was up for the challenge.
“Look Nick. Obviously, you’re confused right now. Just come with me-”
“I’m not confused, I just can’t seem to remember- ugh. I don’t know. I mean, I do know. I know exactly what is happening. You drugged me or something and now you’re taking advantage of me. I’m calling the police.”
“I am the police, you moron. Now come on.”
Darby grabbed Nick again and dragged him out of the bar. She started pulling him towards her car when he stopped in his tracks and broke his arm from her grip.
“Leave me alone, crazy bitch.”
Darby watched as the man she loved, her other half, walked back into the bar, crippling her chances of getting him home and ensuring the prospect of him sleeping with another woman that night. Yes, he would wake up in the morning and not remember a thing, but she- Darby, the committed spouse- would have to live with the knowledge that their sacred bond had been violated. The worst part was realizing that it was her fault.
I let him go too far with this, she thought. How could this have happened? Maybe she messed up, did the wrong routine that night. Maybe she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and this other woman was just too good for her. It was also possible that over time, Nick’s memory had deteriorated, and he didn’t have enough of a subconscious awareness of their marriage, his real life, to register that Darby was telling the truth.
She considered kidnapping Nick. But that was too harsh a course of action: many in the bar had already taken notice of her aggressive behavior. Darby most certainly did not want to garner more unwanted attention, especially considering the questionable legality of the TMS program they were now both deeply involved in.
She would explain it all to Nick in the morning. It was a mistake for both of them, she would forgive him, and they would move on and never take part in the program again. Darby found herself more upset than relieved that she wasn’t the woman who had to wake up next to a distressed Nick tomorrow.
Darby arose early in the morning. She wasn’t sure what time Nick would be up, or how quickly he could get his senses together and find a ride over to their house. At any rate, she wanted to welcome her husband back into a warm, comforting home. Nothing mattered more to Darby than Nick knowing how much she still loved him. She reassured herself that they could be strong and work it all out. Darby had spent the time before she fell asleep reflecting on the tough times in her and Nick’s marriage. It made her wonder as to whether they ever needed the program at all.
Hours passed with no sign of Nick. She had already texted him a couple times- no response. It was approaching the early afternoon, and Darby was left to wonder just how drunk her husband might have gotten that night. She tried to occupy herself by writing out a letter to Nick. It would be like in that movie when the husband creates a film to refresh his amnesiac wife of their life and their marriage. But after a couple drafts, Darby decided that she wanted to be more authentic, and she would just have to sit down and talk with Nick.
After some more waiting, she decided to call him. At first, there was no answer. She waited a couple minutes, and after a long dial-tone, she began to leave him a voicemail.
“Hey, baby. It’s me. Last night was a little rough, and I know you’re probably very confused right now. I don’t wanna get into it over the phone. Just come home right now and we’ll sort it out. Everything is going to be-”
A voice came on the other end of the line. Nick’s voice.
“Listen, I don’t know who this is, or if you’re that crazy bitch from last night, but please stop harassing me. I don’t fucking know you. Get a fucking life, OK?”
The line disconnected. Darby dropped the phone and eventually followed it to the floor. Why couldn’t he remember? Her spirit had been broken. Everything in her life that mattered to her- her husband, her sense of security, her future- had collapsed in front of her eyes. If Nick couldn’t remember who she was in the morning, as he always had before, there was no guarantee he would in the near future. Or ever.
Despair turned into rage as Darby eventually collected herself, rose from the ground, and grabbed her keys. She marched out of her house, over to her Pontiac, and slammed the door shut as she raced out of the driveway. Darby drove with the swagger of an enraged bull: if she was about to burn all of her bridges just to get her life back, it was worth the cost. She was on her way to the place where it had all began.
Darby bypassed the flustered receptionist and stormed into her specialist’s office. She interrogated him as to what was going on with Nick. He said that sometimes patients have delayed memory recovery periods. She called bullshit- Nick had always woken up on time the very next morning. Darby also didn’t buy the coincidence that Nick lost his memory the same night that he fell for another woman- his and Darby’s mismatch must have had something to do with his delayed recovery. The specialist told Darby sternly that she and Nick signed a waiver release form. Darby snapped- she didn’t want excuses, she wanted answers.
Fine, he said. Sometimes patients’ memories can erode and degenerate over time, especially at higher doses. What do you mean, Darby said. Nick was taking the recommended dose. Every time, she remembered. The specialist sighed. He looked at Darby in the eyes, with an expression of sorrowful regret. It was then that she knew.
Nick never seemed to shy away from risk, which for Darby was both a blessing and a curse.
He couldn’t have. That son of a bitch.
Nick bore an uncanny ability to turn Darby’s non-compliance into mild hesitation.
He did it for the thrill. He didn’t care about the consequences.
Nick wanted to do it again.
And again, and again, and again. Until he finally hit his breaking point, when he had just enough, Darby supposed.
She sunk her head into shaking hands. The gritty details of the truth slowly crept up on Darby like a far-off tsunami. Now there was no turning back. Not only were the odds against Darby, but she had lost her will to fight against them. Her husband had betrayed her, and she was stupid enough to fall for it. Even if she could get him back, would it be worth the long plow through the swamp of their broken relationship? After all of that, could she even trust him again?
The tidal wave grew stronger in Darby’s head. What would her life without Nick look like? How could she explain this to everyone? Darby couldn’t seem to bear the excuses and the lies that she would have to make to put her life back together. She both hated and envied Nick now. He was a selfish, lying prick. But maybe she couldn’t blame him- maybe he made the decision that was best for him.
The wave was breaking land. In a split-second, Darby made the decision to run from the shore. She turned to the specialist. How high of a dose was Nick taking, she asked. 250 mg, he said. How high can you go, she pressed. 350, but with adverse effects- she cut him off there. Give it to me. Miss, I don’t think you know what will happen. Over saturation of chemicals… restricted flow to the Hippocampus…words that flew past Darby’s ears.
You might not ever be able to remember your husband or entire parts of your life with him after this, he said.
Good, she said.
After some more back-and-forth, they proceeded with the injection. It felt just like the first time- uncertainty abounding, with plenty of reservation from the specialist. But as the needle hovered over her temple, Darby felt much calmer, more accepting this time. She didn’t have any fear or worry any longer- just resolve.
Nick always told her that the world had a purpose and a path for her, and in the end, he and she would both find themselves in the place they were meant to be.
Thank you for reading.
