Grateful to be Powerless in My Marriage
I thought I had everything under control — here’s how admitting I’m powerless set me free
“I need sex.” He stood in the doorway of our sunroom. His face was soft but cinched and tight at his brow.
The single thin line of his words sliced through me like I was nothing. And I felt like nothing.
Again.
This was the crux of it. This was the one thing that our relationship kept pivoting on, the fulcrum that never seemed to hold us straight and balanced. Now, after months of arguments and “discussions,” after finally making “progress,” it juts between us again.
I looked away and down, breathing slowly, audibly. I focused on the sound, on the saw, it’s heat, against the back of my throat.
My feelings can overtake me like quicksand if I’m not careful, but my breath pulls me back. It’s my lifeline, my yoke that joins me with me, so I can choose to act with clear purpose and intention. In yoga, we focus on the breath; we practice Ujjayi Pranayama, or “victorious breath.” It’s this breath that helps us focus on our heart, move with it, and allow it to freely move within us.
When that wave of emotion hits, sharp and heavy with its slap, I often find that I’m holding my breath…
