My Best Friend has Cancer but I’m Okay

I don’t really know how to even start this without it sounding super selfish. My best friend was diagnosed with leukemia a few weeks ago. I basically lost myself and threw everything away to take care of him. I visited him every day in the hospital. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. It was so easy to just drop everything I was going through and be there for my best friend.

I remember it all as it was yesterday. My best friend, (let’s call him) Ben, had a normal check up on a Wednesday. Typical stuff: blood work, weight, height. The next day, his doctor told him to go to the ER immediately. He left work and went to the ER by himself. At this point, I had no idea what was happening and was only receiving text updates from him.

I remember seeing Ben in bed with his gown on. The look on his face was pure fear but with a little glimmer of hope. I honestly didn’t know what to do in this situation. I just stood there. So many things went through my head. Do I cry? Do I run to him and hug him? Can I even hug him? Is it appropriate to cry? Is it appropriate to joke about his choice of gown color? I just walked over and gave him a really awkward hug. I just didn’t know how to deal with this and I don’t know what I could do to help.

Few days passed, we transferred hospitals, Ben did his bone marrow biopsy and got admitted to the floor where all the cancer patients were. At this point, we still didn’t know anything. Many of Ben’s best friends visited. We all wanted to make sure he wasn’t alone. It was all so scary to just be waiting. The longer the wait, the easier it was to freak out.

This is the moment where we all found out we were on this journey together. Chemotherapy was starting. We dressed up the machine and named her Stevie Nicks. Family flew in from Chicago. Ben was plugged in for 7 days of non-stop chemotherapy. His blood levels were nearly at 0. We had to start limiting our visitations so we don’t risk any sort of infection. I still remember every morning, hearing the sound of the chemotherapy dripping in the midst of Ben’s breathing and nurses mumbling outside the room. I was watching the liquid travel down the tube and into his arm. There was a giant Red Cross that said radioactive near the toilet. The smell of the barely eaten dinner with a friend from the previous night still lingering in the room.

Ben announced on social media that he was battling cancer. Once that happened, the overwhelming love of the community came pouring in. People would ask how Ben was doing and I would give them an update. It was always the same.

So many conversations later. It wasn’t until I had this conversation with one of our close friends.

I was speechless. I didn’t know I was completely burnt out and exhausted. I loved my best friend so much and worried about every single detail that I forgot to take care of myself. At that very moment:

It was almost like I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to be anything but positive and supportive. I felt like by showing some sort of emotion and weakness, Ben wouldn’t be okay. I broke down crying.

Ben was in the hospital for a total of 3 long weeks. He finished his chemotherapy. The doctor gave him the thumbs up to go home. My head immediately went through shock. He’s okay now. Who do I help now? It was so easy to jump from this and go help another friend in need. Why was I so afraid of helping myself?

While Ben was back at home, he started redecorating his home. He needed to. He needed to control some part of his life and his apartment was it. While he was going through his “maybe I could do interior design for a living”, I got sick. I couldn’t visit him. Not only did my body not let me, but it was also dangerous for Ben. He couldn’t be around anyone who “I think I’m sick but it could be allergies”. His white blood cells were still low so anything can risk infection.

My body literally broke down. It took a while to realize what was happening and what I was doing to myself. Even before Ben, I was throwing myself to help other friends. After Ben, I was helping others. It was so easy to think about others and not myself. I needed to reflect and focus on self-care.

I talked with one of my good friends and he told me I need to set boundaries. He asked me:

It’s like I knew the answer to this immediately. I blamed myself.

My friend stopped me there.

I’m going to be okay because he’s okay.