How I Won My Life Back From Myself
A while back, I posted a story on here Nothing’s Wrong, But Nothing’s Right describing a dark time in my life. It was a rough part of my life where it felt as if all the colors were sucked out of me, as if I was simply existing instead of living.
I was stuck in a constant state of dread and discontent.
This feeling stuck with me for many years, constantly itching away at the back of my head. It wasn’t until recently that I started to find my way out of the madness.
This is a response to everyone that read the original story and stated they felt the same way; everyone that was looking for an answer, how to get out of the mental rut they’re stuck in.
It gets better, I promise you.
Here’s how I took back my life
I demanded change.
We all want things to change but rarely do anything to cause it.
Change for me began when I woke up one morning, a morning that was like every other for the past few years, dark and lifeless. I still didn’t find an answer as to why I felt the way I did- nothing in my life seemed wrong yet nothing felt right.
There was something different about that morning; as I laid there in my bed I became more and more frustrated with myself.
I was angry and pissed.
Furious for wasting so much of my life feeling the way I did, for allowing myself to feel so helpless. So much time that I will never get back. I decided right then and there that I had enough; it was time to take my life back from the demons in my head and start to live again.
Change is difficult. There were numerous areas of my life I could’ve brought about change- each having a completely different impact on my life. The bigger the change, the more daunting it was.
So I started small, changing the little habits that I didn’t pay much attention to.
I went to bed earlier, woke up earlier
Cut back on mindlessly scrolling through social media
Took the back roads or a different route when I drove to work or school
Listened to genres of music that I normally don’t
These were little things that individually didn’t seem as though they held any weight- changing them would be useless but in actuality these mundane tasks were what I spent most of my day doing.
From there the changes grew bigger and more daunting. Old habits were slowly put to death, to be replaced by new ones; new habits that reflected the kind of person I wanted to become.
I started to write more, workout more, learn more. Setting down the foundations for the life I wanted to live.
Every morning I battled against the little voice in my head that wanted to lay there in self pity and fought to make a better tomorrow, holding onto the belief that everything is temporary and this too shall one day pass.
I focused on the positives.
Everywhere around me there were things that were going wrong but at the same time so much going right. When the sun rose and my eyes opened, I knew I was alive and still had a life to live. It was the conscious decision to live it fully and find joy in it that helped me move forward.
It gets harder before it gets easier.
You’re ego will try to keep you in that dreadful state. It’s too comfortable their; you’re too comfortable there.
But you have to fight it.
Change old habits, travel more, go further and further out of your comfort zone. Subjugate yourself to new experiences no matter how daunting or scary they may be.
Do something that’ll make you feel alive.
I was still hungry for more.
That’s the funny thing about change. Once you notice just how powerful it is, it becomes addicting. I wanted to see how much further I could evolve and change my life.
I decided I was going to travel somewhere far away.
Far away from the old me.
I wandered through the world- from Paris to Amsterdam, Dubai to Tokyo and some more in between. I experienced life from all the different angles I could.
It was scary but invigorating. Being my first time traveling so far away and alone at that, I was nervous. I didn’t speak any of the languages nor did I know anyone I could call for help near me for most of the trips.
I was completely isolated and alone.
There’s something funny about being completely alone like that; you become your truest, most unapologetic self. You stop acting according to the standards placed on you by friends, family, or society in general.
The pivotal moment for me occurred when I went back to Bangladesh (where I was born) after 12 years. I had a chance to visit my grandfather’s grave for the first time- a man who passed before I was ever born. Someone I only knew of through stories and old photographs.
As I walked up the cemetery, a deep sadness came over me. I wanted nothing more than to drop down to my knees and cry, let out the tears I had been holding back for years. I couldn’t tell you why or what caused it but at that moment I realized something
I had never experienced sadness like that before
It was heartbreaking. I couldn’t even muster up words of prayers for his soul. All I thought about was my mom and if he was somewhere out there watching over her.
A deep melancholia that reminded me I could still feel; that I was still alive.
You learn a lot about yourself by traveling, opening yourself up to new cultures and all the different ways people live their live’s; helping you develop a more open minded outlook.
It was through my travels that I figured out what I wanted out of life- or developed an idea of it at least.
Building for your future self
When you’re stuck in such a dark place mentally it’s hard to find motivation to do anything. Life seems pointless.
But if you’re tired of being in the same place day after day then it’s time to start building for tomorrow. Envision what you want your life to be like a month from now, an year from now, 10 years from now and work backwards to make it happen.
Become so engrossed with the future version of you, that you shed your past and implement the necessary changes into your present self.
I still have my dark days but I know in my head that someday- maybe tomorrow maybe an year from now things will be different and it’s up to me to decide what kind of different it will be.
For everyone that’s stuck in life- I hope this reaches out to you. I know the days seem endless and full of despair at times but you have to keep pushing on.
This is how I found the light in my darkest moments.
I hope you can do the same.
Appreciate you all who took the time to read this. If you found my advice useful in anyway- please give it a couple claps to let others see it too.
If you have any advice on how you stepped out of your darkness, then drop them in the comments below!
Life gets better if you let it.
-Sid
