How to apologize.
Hint: it involves acknowledging all the messed up shit you’ve done.
I am sorry for so many things and I have apologized a lot already.
You have said, in the past, that I apologize too much. Maybe I was just hedging my bets, stockpiling in case of a meltdown, a situation just like this! Ha! (No? Not funny yet? Sorry.)
It’s been a roller coaster and for that alone, I apologize.
I’ve not been graceful in my journey with you. I am so very sorry. Whenever you are willing, we can get into all the gory details about the harm I have caused and the consequences as a result, but for now, since I am not sure we will find a need/desire to communicate again, I want to be sure to say, thank you.
As you know, I have not had an easy road in life, and while I’ve been studious and vulnerable most of the time, my emotional development is clearly a little stunted.
I’ve grown so much with you, mostly because you are kind and understanding, but also because you hold people to a high standard and have some of your own work to do.
The places in me — all that crying and pouting, the desperate attempts to be seen, the obsession with finding out what is “real” or “the truth” — that you poked and picked, needed to be handled, once and for all, in order for me to ever have a chance at a peaceful life in the future.
I’m sorry for the pain I caused on my path of recovery.
I am aware of my role in the good and the bad that transpired between us and I take responsibility for what happened, as a result of my actions, no matter my intentions. You are a good person and you have done your best to be a good friend to me, even with your own growing edges.
I am grateful for you, grateful for these lessons and for the opportunity to grow.
I am regretful of the words and actions that may have caused you harm.
Throughout our little dance, my jealousy likely caused you fear or anxiety when trying to connect with others, to continue the good work that you do. No one likes to feel manipulated or controlled. I certainly had no right to shame you just because I was insecure about my role in your life, really, in life on the whole.
I’m sorry I did not allow you the breathing room or dignity of your own perspective.
Throughout our entanglement, I allowed myself to feel hurt, rejected and ashamed by my perception or interpretation of your actions. When I could no longer manage those feelings, I felt compelled to lash out. And, by the time I recognized what I was doing, I was too ashamed to ask for help, to stop the bleeding.
I do not know how to say I am sorry for all of this, but I am so very sorry. You are a person of value and worth. You do not deserve to be mistreated. No one does.
