How to Deal When a Friend Unfollows You on Instagram
Should you take it personally or not? A survey on social media etiquette and virtual friendships.
These days, it’s pretty easy to find out if someone unfollows you on Instagram.
What happens if the person unfollowing you is a friend?
How would you feel? Would you mind, or would you not care?
I didn’t ask myself these questions until it happened to me.
I was unfollowed and I didn’t like it
I don’t mind if a stranger unfollows me on Instagram.
Many of them follow me just to get a follow back, and they unfollow me if I don’t. I never take it personally because it’s a marketing tactic (albeit a spammy one). Plus, I never had an emotional connection with those people (or bots) to begin with.
However one day, I noticed that a friend of mine had unfollowed me. We hadn’t hung out in years and had no interaction apart from the odd “like” or birthday message.
Even if we live in different countries, it never crossed my mind to unfollow her. I like her as a person and if someday our paths cross again, why make it awkward?
There was also someone else who unfollowed me. I wouldn’t call her a close friend, more of an acquaintance — and yet, a couple of weeks ago, we were engaging with each other’s Instagram Stories. So I thought we were developing a nice virtual friendship.
I was shocked. Did those emojis mean nothing to her?
With the tap of a finger, both of them had unceremoniously demoted my status from “virtual friend” to “complete stranger”.
Ouch.
I am not gonna lie — I didn’t like it at all. It felt like a slap in the face.
I did take it personally. In fact, my first thought was: “How rude!”
I know there isn’t a guide book on social media etiquette.
But I also know that there is an option to mute posts and stories on Instagram, so unfollowing someone seems extreme and unnecessary unless there is a good personal reason to do so such as harassment, bullying, or a break-up.
I immediately wondered — when did it become ok to unfollow friends on social media?
I also instantly questioned myself: “Am I being too sensitive, or have other people become desensitized?”
Not to be overdramatic but — might I be too much of an old-school idealist with antiquated rules of friendship for this ruthless Brave New World? Are modern friendships really so fickle? Was I overreacting?
I promptly ran a poll in my Instagram Stories to see what my friends think.
I asked: “Is it ok to unfollow friends on Instagram? How do you feel about it?
- Answer A: Yup, No Biggie
- Answer B: Pretty Rude”
I report answers from each group below.
Scroll until the end for results of this survey — they may surprise you.
Group A on why it’s unnecessary and rude
I sit with this camp for a number of reasons.
Unfollowing someone can make them feel bad about themselves
Following someone tells them: “I see you, I hear you. I may not agree with you, but I respect you.”
Unfollowing someone is a non-verbal cue that says: “I find you boring or insignificant. I couldn’t care less about what you do or think. In fact, it either bothers me or bores me. To me you don’t exist”.
It can cause an ego-injury. It triggers insecurities around self-worth and rejection.
In my case, I immediately questioned the quality of my posts and my tone-of-voice: “Am I too basic? I am boring? Am I too political or not political enough? Is it because I triggered them or post too much about my cat?”
It’s a superficial and transactional way of viewing a friendship
I also questioned the society we live in: “Am I nothing but a content stream to some people, a number on their ‘Followers’ list, rather than an actual person?”
I am not a public persona, influencer, or business trying to sell you something (I have a separate Instagram business account for my writing).
I am a regular person, sharing curates bits of my life, on a private account.
If you follow me, I deduce that you either find me interesting, respect me, or care about what I think, on some level.
Ergo, if you unfollow me, I assume that you don’t like me as a person or I don’t add value to your life anymore. It makes me feel “unworthy” of taking up space on your feed, simply because my content didn’t meet your criteria of “valuable”.
So, is it legitimate to unfollow a friend on Instagram purely because they don’t serve the purpose you expect them to — be it entertain or educate you enough?
This seems like a superficial and transactional way of viewing human relationships, which revolves around the question: “What value can you bring to my life?”.
Hisham agrees with me:
“The mute button is life. No need to unfollow, although I love busting people who unfollow me. Says a lot sometimes. I am scared for future generations.”
Weronika is also a fan of the mute button:
I am a natural networker, so the idea of unfollowing someone doesn’t cross my mind unless there is a good reason for it, of which both parties should be aware. It would ideally follow a conversation or dialogue, it shouldn’t be out of the blue.
I don’t hold grudges, but I also don’t forget. I’m human, not an android.
If you unfollow me, I’ll remember it and I probably won’t be inclined to connect or hang out in the future.
If we do cross paths again, be prepared for me to ask you in person — not in a confrontational way, but just to get an explanation and understand you. I think it’s a legitimate question.
Group B explains why it’s no big deal
There are also plenty of valid reasons for you not to take it personally if someone unfollows you.
You are not the content you produce — so don’t make it about you
Even if your pride gets hurt, remember this: you are not the content you produce.
You are way more than what people see on social media feeds, so your self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on likes, followers — and of course, unfollowers.
There could be plenty of reasons why your friend unfollowed you, such as:
- They already follow you from another account and don’t want to see the same content
- They only follow people who post content related to their hobbies, or for work reasons
- They are doing a clean-up and only keeping really good friends on their list (especially not people they haven’t seen in over 3 years)
- They are going through a difficult time or unhappy, and your content triggers them
- They don’t know even know the “Mute” button exists (believe me, it’s a fact!)
For instance, a friend of mine unfollowed many friends once she turned her account into a food blog. She was keen to stress that it has nothing to do with dissing or disliking anyone:
Take another friend, Folar, who uses Instagram for inspiration. He said:
“I’ve always considered Instagram a platform for my hobbies, more than engaging with my real friends. I’m treating it more like Pinterest, it’s not about friends but about what’s visually satisfying you. It doesn’t make sense to follow 100 or 1000 friends here, when I can already keep up with their activities on Facebook or Whatsapp. Only 30 or 40 people I follow are friends, the rest are strangers from all around the world.”
Whatever the case, we should respect someone’s decision to put virtual boundaries and unfollow us.
At the end of the day, everyone uses Instagram the way it suits them best and it likely has little do with you as a person.
It says more about them than it says about you
If a friend’s content triggers me, I usually mute them until I’ve dealt with aspects of myself that have come up in my shadow — the parts of myself that I dislike, repress and have yet to integrate.
I own that it’s my responsibility to move past it.
Here is what I realized.
Growing up, I moved around a lot and was always the “new girl”, so I had to make a lot of effort to integrate with my classmates.
Being unfollowed on Instagram brought up my own old patterns of feeling excluded and wanting to fit in.
Perhaps, if someone unfollowed you, their own shadow was being triggered.
If they are in a delicate or unhappy place in their life, it has to do with them, not you. Don’t take it personally.
Their values don’t align with yours, so they did you a favour
If you got the (virtual) boot, you probably weren’t friends, to begin with.
If someone isn’t supporting you, rooting for you, but they are instead using social media to judge you — why do you even care what they think or want them in your life?
As my friend Martina said:
“Are they really friends if they unfollow you without explanation and don’t keep up with your life? Best to lose them than to find them haha.”
Indeed, you have the option to unfollow them back and move on.
Results
The majority of people surveyed didn’t answer
To start off, a disclaimer: the majority of people I surveyed didn’t answer my question.
Perhaps they regarded this topic as trivial.
Or maybe they haven’t experienced this and weren’t sure how to respond.
Maybe they feel neutral about it.
We’ll never know.
I get the impression that many of us would rather not admit that we care as much as we do. It doesn’t sound cool to be bothered by petty things such as likes and unfollows on social media, right?
But the truth is that we can’t deny that social media interactions have an effect on us. Depression and anxiety are rising among millennials and teens, as Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma depicted.
The impact of social media on our psyche, no matter how subtle, cannot be overlooked. Social media anxiety is caused by micro-events that compound over time.
The majority of poll voters think it’s no big deal being unfollowed
Group B came out in the lead, with 70 per cent voting that it’s ok and “no biggie” to unfollow friends or to be unfollowed.
The remaining 30 per cent (group A) think that it’s “rude and unnecessary”.
Conclusion
It’s clear that we all have different standards of social media etiquette.
There is no right or wrong.
Everyone can treat social media the way it suits them.
We all have the freedom to unfollow a friend on Instagram for whatever reason we deem appropriate, but we shouldn’t be surprised if they take it personally, even if it wasn’t intended that way. Unless there is an explanation, we can’t control how the other person will react.
If we are the ones being unfollowed, we have the right to feel hurt, but also to not care. How we react doesn’t dictate our value as a person — and neither does the content we post.
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