How to Leave Someone You Love, Pt II

Part II — To Him

The Truth

I jumped at the chance to travel to Japan and get to explore both in work and leisure. But more than that, I came to find space to breathe and in that, perhaps, to find myself. Yet among all the bustling, emotionless faces, I felt more lost than ever. The soulless eyes, either glued to smartphones or staring hopelessly into the distance. Despite being one of the few westerners around, I was invisible on the streets and subways.

You know me better than anyone in the world, but there are still some things I have kept to myself. Even as an introvert, I feel lonely sometimes. I am afraid of dying alone and I am afraid that my tendency to push people away will lead to that. Those fears kept me silent for so long, biting my tongue knowing that my honesty would inevitably create a colossal chasm between us. I loved our life in Seattle, in Hawaii. We had so much fun together and shared so many adventures. And while we could hold on to those things, I’m certain that our relationship will become increasingly cold and unsatisfying — I am content to live like best friends, and your resentment will only grow further, even if subconsciously.

I truly wish that my feelings for you would have never changed. But I’ve taken this time to come to terms that there is nothing more cowardly nor unfair than to withhold my heart’s truth in its entirety. If we didn’t have to make decisions about our future in the coming months, I’m not sure I would ever have found the courage to be honest.

Where do we go from here? What can I do to leave your heart intact, or to repair the damage I’ve caused, so you’ll able to love again? Can we still be friends, or will you despise me forever? Occupied five years of your life, going in circles, wavering, unwilling to commit. I was never ready to be married and I don’t think I ever will be. You’ve given me the best years of my life… I can no longer steal the best years of yours.

Separated

This is my best effort to translate everything that has been churning in my head and my heart for far too long. What I owe you is an understanding of the feelings that are driving my decision to end our relationship. It may make you hate me more than you already do, but I hope one day, when you are ready, these words will lead you to acceptance and closure.

You deserve so much more than I can give you. You deserve uninhibited, unconditional love. You deserve affection and joy and laughter. I know that is out there for you, it is around every bend. You do not deserve my cold, removed, distant, brooding nature. It makes you worse, and in turn, it brings me down. Even worse than my own dissatisfaction is knowing it is robbing you of your normal affable, charming self. It’s a crime to take that from you and from the world.

We both have amazing futures ahead of us, of that there is little doubt. But our future is not together. That is a reality I am beginning to understand has been chasing us for awhile now and one that we can never outrun. Will you ask yourself what if? What if we had went separate ways? What if had stayed together? I know I will ask myself this every day until maybe I will begin to ask it only once a week or once a month. As much as the unknown will haunt us, it beckons even stronger into the future — to go forward and chase it, and all the possibilities it promises.

I need to go chase that on my own and perhaps maybe I’ll find myself along the way. I have missed having my friend around. I’ve been washed in so many waves of regret and doubt and self-loathing. I’ve been nauseated to hear you on the phone, broken, to know my actions are causing a person I care about so much pain. But none of these things are worse than staying in a relationship that no longer makes me happy, knowing that along the way I will inevitably make you resentful and darken your spirit.

If you love me the way you always said you did, you must understand that I have to be set free. I would never have chosen for things to work out this way but I can’t control my heart or my instincts, both of which ache with the acute awareness that I was never ready to be married and that we are not meant to be together forever.

There is no easy way to let someone down or to break the heart of a person you love. No easy way to throw in the towel after years of time and energy and raw commitment invested into a relationship. To tell the world, “I give up.” I am letting our families down, admitting that I failed the best man that will ever love me. I can’t bear the thought of seeing you hurt, much less knowing that I am responsible for it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to wake up from this nightmare. To find ourselves back in the Seattle condo on a rainy day. Back when the biggest decisions were where to go for dinner or what movie to see. Back to that simple, easy going love where commitment was simply showing up. Now, showing up is not enough for a lifelong relationship — there is much more out there, a richer, fuller, mutual bond that I have no doubt you will find.

I need to learn to love myself before I’ll ever feel worthy of someone else’s love, before I’ll be ready to truly give another person my whole heart. Despite trying to exhibit confidence, I’ve always struggled to accept that I’m worth being loved because my past has shown me I was not. I’m not sure I’ll ever sort that out, but I refuse to continue wasting years of your life in the meantime.

You need to learn how to be happy in your own skin, alone, and unafraid. You need to realize that you are the catch — the jovial, kind, humble soul that deserves an equally beautiful soul.

When all is said and done, I hope you know that I have been happier than I ever imagined possible because of you. I will never regret a single thing about our time together, aside from not opening up to you sooner. Sorry will never be enough. I promise, this too shall pass, and you will find happiness again.

The Fallout

Of all the places I thought I’d be in this, I never would have expected to look myself in the mirror and ask “am I a monster?” Never would have expected to be so uncertain of the answer.

How does one articulate an intuition? A feeling so strong it cloaks itself as knowledge, as reality itself. The certainty that no regret would weigh as heavily as staying in a relationship to which I was not fully invested and to which I could not promise my full commitment.

This was the hardest choice I’ve made in my life, but I know my heart and it is sure. I am ready to accept all the blame: this was my doing. My failure to love you was an incredible weight to bear every single day — I couldn’t stand seeing you repeatedly hurt from all the small injuries of being ignored, neglected, out prioritized. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused, for breaking your heart. It makes me physically ill to think about it, it makes me a monster. And you are entitled to hate me for that.

The only thing that brings me solace tonight is imaging ten years down the road. I am a 36 year old spinster, immersed in a purpose-driven life, fueled by intrinsic motivation but gaining fulfillment from relationships and people I love along the way. And you, I pray, will be one of those people. Meanwhile you have found the person you deserve, who finds your charm and your quirks endearing, and who loves you unconditionally. Within that support system you have built a life and a family — a hub of affection and warmth where you are the best example to your kids.

By some grace of God, I’ll be a part of your life again. A friend to complain about the frustrations of work and life’s anxieties, but also its triumphs and hopes and dreams. If not, I’ll watch from a distant place and relish in the proof that I didn’t irreversibly stain your beautiful soul. And one day, I’ll see you smile again and know it was all for the best — that we loved and learned and were irrevocably changed because of our time together.

Until then, farewell.