How To Love Again?
Getting back on track after a heartbreak.
I never had my heart broken. I guess that’s what I knew. To be ruthlessly honest, I’ve never been into an intimate romantic relationship with anybody so I can never really say that my heart had been broken. When I was thirteen, I thought only boys break hearts. Well, at least that’s what they’ve told me.
“You be careful around boys young lady, as they can break your heart.”
Growing up in a conservative household surrounded by women, I had always been warned. I actually wondered what’s going to happen to me if ever I have my heart broken. Little did I know, it already had. You see, when a heart breaks, you don’t literally hear it shatter. You don’t see the cracks. It just deteriorates inside its cocoon and you just feel a sharp pang of pain like your heart is coming out of your throat and it’s suddenly hard to swallow.
A heart of a person can be broken as early as when he/she is just a year old. Babies were dependent on their carers and the development of their raw and immature temperament relies on how they are taken care of. As they are on the stage of developing their self in an uncertain world, they seek security, warmth, love, and attachment from their parents. Research has shown that when the emotional needs of the baby are not met like attention, for example, it can trigger certain circumstances that may shape the baby’s perception of trust among those who are around him.
When I was a kid, I started to drift slowly from the people that I love like a star barely moving across space but drifting still. It’s a slow movement but it made progress somehow. My self-worth slowly descends too. I started to loathe myself and repress my feelings. I couldn’t seem to get the kind of love and attention I needed. So what I did, I learned to build and shape myself to please the people around me. I became an achiever. I joined academic contests, never failed a subject, was always the teacher’s pet, and even graduated as top in class. I was doing it because it makes them happy and I’d get their attention and praise in return.
But the thing is, I showed them the good intellectual side of me, but never the real side. And I lost myself in the process. I do not know who I am anymore. As I grow older, I’ve come to hate the facade that I built for myself. This is not me. But this is the person that they knew. The person that they loved. I love seeing them happy whenever I shower them with pride to the point that I got addicted. I loved them that way. That was the only way I know how to love and God if only I have known, all this time, I loved the wrong way.
So here I am, after years of neglecting a broken heart, I have realized how bruised and critical my situation is right now. How do you actually love when the whole thing is alien to you in the first place?
I swallowed hard. Well, maybe I could do what other people are doing. Try my chances out there and play the game. I could take some lessons. Perhaps I could learn. But no, getting back to love after you’ve lost track or took the wrong path rather, is the hardest and most grueling part. You just don’t know where to start. When to start, and how to start.
There’s a huge possibility that I might be suffering from Emotional Deprivation Disorder (EDD). It is a mental disorder characterized by difficulty in forming relationships with others, a general feeling of inadequacy, and oversensitivity to criticism of others. I am not a professional psychotherapist so I can’t interpret clearly whether or not I still love. But I guess, when you couldn’t even barely love yourself, how much more can you possibly love those who are around you?
I think there’s nothing sadder than having to live the rest of your life incapable of loving. I don’t want to live that way somehow. I would be more than willing to run an extra mile in order to get myself back to feel love and to love. In the middle of my extensive research regarding psychoanalysis, I created a scheme that is going to help me improve. Though these steps are baby steps and not precisely head-on, at least it’s enough to keep me moving.
In order to love again, I formulated the:
3 R’s of Getting Back to Love.
Recognize
First, you have to recognize yourself. At this stage, you will most likely start from scratch. You have to know who you are without the influence of other people. You have to recognize the things that move you, fascinates you, disgusts you and angers you. You have to look at yourself as an infant, in need of proper care and attention. You have to know what are the things you’re good at and you’re bad at. The things that you love to do and the things that you don’t. And then work from there. Then we go to the next phase which is:
Reposition
I used to overwork myself because I always thought that I needed to meet or achieve something regardless of whether or not it interests me as long as it makes my family happy. This kind of action would be most likely misinterpreted by people thinking that you are just the competent type whereas you’re doing this because you are screaming for their love and praise. So after you’ve recognized who you are, it’s time to reposition or shift your focus. Remind yourself that you don’t need to, or you don’t always have to cover all the work in the world. Eliminate the things you don’t want to do and focus only on the things that you love even though your family or friends may say something or criticize you, it’s okay. True love is obtained when one is genuine and true love accepts.
Lastly,
Resolve
Chances are, your family or friends may not be aware of the things that you’ve been through and the feelings that you’ve felt towards their way of interaction. In my case, yes they are unaware. The best option is to go into therapy. Talk these things out openly with your therapist and it’s best to have sessions with your parents, relatives, and friends. This kind of activity will open up unresolved disputes, misunderstandings, and conflicts within the family which is healthy mentally and emotionally for both parties. Open discussions like this can automatically heal a wound and patch a hole in the soul and fix a broken heart.
In my own opinion, opening these things up to your family is so hard. It’s hard for me, I have to admit, as we often push these things aside and get on with life. But think about it. What if their lack of showing warmth and intimacy is also a reflection of their lack. It’s sad and cold to live the rest of life subdued and detached from all the magic of loving.
I want you to remember this:
Always find the courage to love again. It’s brave and beautiful to say “I love you” first.
