How to make decisions aligned with who you are
Self-love builds out of thoughts and actions that support our growth.
Perhaps it has also happened to you that, in certain seemingly beneficial situations, you could not feel happy, nor inspired, and you did not know why. Why do I have a well-paid job with reasonable hours and I am not able to enjoy it? Why do I feel unmotivated?
The answer may lie in your values.
You may be giving too much importance to outside interests that clash with your needs, and that causes you conflict and indecision.
Knowing the important things to us is vital to defining our personality and satisfying our needs. Personal values are the guidelines that enable us to make decisions that bring us closer to a future in which we feel fulfilled and give our best. They help us achieve our goals. They are our compass.
I have observed 3 main enemies in the search for our values:
1) Ignoring their importance: The main problem is that most of us have never even asked ourselves who we are. We go around facing what comes our way, without structure, without a specific direction. We make vital decisions for our lives based on the mood or the circumstances of the moment. We end up in realities that do not make us feel fulfilled, so we are constantly in a bad mood. Or we suddenly find ourselves in the position of having to abruptly turn in the opposite direction, often damaging people around us in the process.
2) Disconnection with our core self: Another thing that can take us away from our true values is to choose with “the mind”, thereby becoming disconnected from our most authentic self. In these cases, it often happens that we consider principles that correspond to what (we have learned that) we should desire. We are convinced that we have chosen (which is true!), but we have done so from a limited set of possibilities. Our brain has searched among the paths it already knows and has chosen the one that best suits the idea we have of ourselves within the framework of the society in which we live.
3) Hidden resistances: It also happens that we deceive ourselves. We think that our flagship is ‘raising a family’ or ‘money’ because we have already built a life around it. Now we do not want to face the fact that it is not really what makes us happy.
Go a little further.
Perhaps your main value or motivation is loneliness, friendship, or excellence. Yes, even before loyalty or integrity. Be honest with yourself; it’s essential that you are.
How to define your true values
Values can change over time. Even if you think you have them clearly defined, use the exercises below to contrast results: you might be in for a surprise.
Write a list. Three values, in order of importance, are sufficient. Thinking about them is not enough, you have to put them on paper.
I recommend doing the two exercises below in that order.
And remember, the idea is to avoid the three enemies I mentioned earlier. To do this, you have to put aside the circumstances of your current life and connect with the person you really are.
Exercise 1
Step 1: Search through your memory for a moment in the past when you felt extremely happy. You can close your eyes if you want. Ideally, it should not be a time when something terrible was solved, but rather a time when you felt fulfilled because you were where you needed to be. Radiant and full of joy.
Step 2: Think about it. Go back to that place. Spend some time getting your feelings back.
Step 3: Then, describe each feeling you had with one word and write them all down. Take a good look at them. Try to prioritize 3.
Exercise 2
After that, find online a list of 50 or 60 common personal values. There are a few out there, and it will open up your brain to options you may have left aside. Try to select your top 10. Then find your top 3. Of course, that doesn’t mean that the values you discard are unimportant to you. This is about choosing the ones you could not live without because everything would be pointless, and you would not feel yourself. Ask yourself: how would be my life without this? What am I willing to give up for it?
Once you are done, think about them, and try to relate them to other moments in your life when you also felt happy. You will discover patterns so far hidden, and many of your doubts will make sense.
This is the color of your values, your compass, and your guide to making decisions in life.
Think about the different areas in your life. Consider if you are blindly following an established model that goes against your core values in those areas where you are doing the worst. I’m sure you’ll understand a lot of things.
You’ve got it! A life with more meaning
Next time you have to make a decision, have your 3 top core values in mind. You may be confused with your own emotions, but they will help you figure out what is truly aligned with who you are.
Knowing our values leads us to understand what we feel and what we are looking for. We can be more honest with ourselves and stop feeling guilty. We can explain the reasons for our decisions (first of all to ourselves!) and choose paths firmly. We hesitate less. It is harder to be manipulated. We gain in integrity and self-confidence.
All these by just looking inside ourselves carefully and honestly, and writing a list. It’s not bad, is it?
