How to Never Have a Threesome
Honesty is sexy.
An open, vulnerable person makes us feel secure. Security can help us feel comfortable taking emotional risks. Without trust and direct communication between partners, it can be risky to leave our comfort zones.
The quickest way to shut down a lover’s sense of adventure is to deceive them.
Here’s a quick story to illustrate what not to do if you want to go to new ground with your partner.
A few months ago, I met a guy named Stu. His girlfriend, Marie, is friends with my wife.
Stu and Marie had been dating for a month or so. He was new in town, and I wanted to give him a chance to become friends with my friends.
He seemed bright-eyed, but kind of vacant too. Pretty and stupid is another way to put it. The conversation between us lulled quickly, and I parted ways to go hang out with my wife and my long-time friends.
The night rolled on; everyone started partying hard. People were getting Schlitzed by 10 PM. My wife and I went home early because we don’t drink that much and we both had to work the next day.
The next day, my wife talks with Marie, and she recounted a weird story that shares a thread that I feel is all too common in men’s attempts at sexual exploration.
Stu convinced everyone at the party to go out to a local bar. While there, Stu kept encouraging her to go dance with other girls on the dance floor.
When she asked why he wanted her to dance with these girls, the reason he gave is that the girls he pointed out appeared to be lonely because they were dancing without a partner. Marie, being naive, figured that Stu was a nice guy for caring about total strangers, so she acquiesced and approached the girls he pointed out.
Stu is full of shit. Here’s what was really going on:
Stu wants to appear charitable and caring to these “lonely girls” as cover. He wants his drunk girlfriend to unknowingly approach other women in the hopes that they develop an inebriated infatuation that will lead to him participating in a threesome.
If it worked and Stu got two chicks at the same time, and Marie later regretted it, Stu could deny any culpability because the physicality was initiated by Marie. He could hide behind the narrative that “he was just trying to be a caring guy for all those poor lonely girls at the bar.”
Marie isn’t the kind of lady that openly likes other women. She has many redeeming qualities, but she isn't the smartest or most prudent person I have met. This is why Stu chose her.
She was confused by Stu’s insistence, but she complied and approached these “lonely” girls. Stu reportedly leered and occasionally joined in on the dancing. Unsurprisingly, there was no threesome for Stu that night.
Furthermore, it is only a matter of time (maybe a long time) before Marie finds out about Stu’s true intentions. She definitely sensed something was off, which is why she sought out my wife for a conversation.
Stu has screwed himself instead of screwing two women at the same time.
If he’d been direct and honest, he might have had a chance. Instead, he tried to conjure a threesome through illusion and deceit.
The sad thing is that if he would have succeeded, his triumph would only have lasted a few minutes after he came. Then, there would be shame and confusion for him and the other participants because they were not necessarily aware of what they signed up for.
I want to express to Stu that no physical feeling is worth sacrificing your integrity, including having sex with two women at the same time.
He wanted a threesome not for its own sake, but for control over the narrative of how manly and powerful he is when it comes to women and his ability to control them.
His deceit is a cowardly power grab. If successful, it allows two competing narratives to exist side by side: the nice guy and the cheater.
By acting this way, he also prevented himself and everyone else from enjoying real love. Because of that, his relationship with Marie will eventually sour.
All of this tapdancing is an effort by Stu to relieve himself of culpability for his desires that his girlfriend would find repulsive.
Stu wants to have threesomes, but he also wants the love and security of his girlfriend. He can’t openly have both because Marie would dump him if he were honest. She wants one man, and will not tolerate sharing.
Instead of being honest about his desires, he instead tries to alchemize his desires passively and deceptively so when a threesome does happen, it cant be directly connected to him. He would appear to be just a lucky guy to anyone who observed his behavior.
When the relationship eventually sours as a result of his veiled efforts, he can still keep the moral high ground. He can still paint himself as a nice guy who didn’t do anything but try to help some lonely girls.
Marie doesn’t have a clue, because she is 25. Not that all 25-year-olds are clueless, but she is a young 25.
She obviously hasn’t been thrashed by enough narcissists, or she might sense that something is amiss.
Having been a self-centered, unhappy person for a large portion of my life, I have been thrashed by narcissists far more clever and devious than myself. Eventually, no matter how naive we are, some of us will put these pieces together and learn what is really going on. Then, we can be honest and happy.
The fact is that Stu is super horny and also wants lots of women for status and gratification. He doesn’t want to build a relationship. He is insecure and dishonest. He is willing to deceive people to achieve his ends, including people he tells that he loves.
Happy, healthy, and balanced people don’t deceive people they love. This incongruency is key to spotting and removing people like Stu from your life. This is also a key to spotting narcissistic tendencies in ourselves.
If it doesn’t feel right, or it requires a lot of justification, it’s probably bullshit.
In my younger years, I wasn’t really all that committed to being a narcissist. I was mostly lazy and scared that no one would like me. Once I became motivated and gained self-esteem, I quickly shed my narc tendencies in relationships and everywhere else. My life got dramatically better. I started getting what I wanted.
If Stu wants threesomes, all he has to do is be direct and honest about his desires. He will probably lose Marie, but he will probably find someone that is kinkier if he is honest about what he wants. He can shed the shame of being a liar.
If you want to have a threesome with your partner, you can’t manipulate them into it. It has to be a direct proposition. That way, everyone can leave feeling good after the act. No love is lost. If your partner says no and it bums you out too much, then maybe that person isn’t right for you.
If you are reading the Stu story and it is sounding familiar, pay close attention to the following:
I’m not saying that anyone and everyone who lies for sex is a narcissist. Narcissist is a slippery term that gets thrown around too much in our culture today. As a diagnosable disease, it’s subjective and involves wading through a lot of grey areas.
Try to keep your identification of narcissism to specific behaviors within a person. That way, the behavior can be isolated from the person, and redemption is possible.
For example, consider that Stu isn’t inherently bad, but his compulsive behavior to deceive his partner for the gratification of secret desires is harmful and hurtful. It’s helpful to criticize the behavior, not Stu himself.
If he truly doesn’t want to do any harm to people and live a full life, he will be more direct about what he wants from people and let them decide if they are on board.
If he’s a shitbag that won’t change, then fuck him and let him duke it out with other people who are highly confused about what is an appropriate way to go about getting what you want. Find someone who has the balls to ask for what he wants.
