How to Treat Yourself Better
5 ways to replace negative self-talk with self-love
Self-talk is one of the most important ways we can connect with and understand ourselves. Whether you talk to yourself in your head or you have a full-on, out-loud conversation with yourself (like me), self-talk is vital for processing our thoughts and emotions.
But it can be easy to lose track of the way in which we speak to ourselves.
When we speak to others we receive constant feedback. With each word and intonation, we see the way the other person responds to us. They frown or smile, furrow or raise their brow.
With each expression, we adjust. We correct to be better understood or to create a certain tone. We learn what they can tolerate, what might set them off or make them go quiet.
However, when we speak to ourselves we don’t have the same response/feedback indicator. We don’t give a second thought to the way we talk to ourselves.
What results is a potentially toxic and harmful method of speaking to oneself. One that never gets corrected and yet, still has the latent emotional effects of someone else having said it.
To be self-accepting and respecting adults, we need to talk to ourselves in a way that suggests we actually do accept and respect ourselves. Which means that negative self-talk needs to stop.
We need to speak to ourselves as though we are speaking to our bosses, our best friends, our parents. After all, you deserve just as much respect as they do.
But changing this pattern of behavior is hard. We don’t call ourselves out like we would if someone were rude to us. So I’ve compiled a list of five negative phrases I often mutter to myself. Then I’ve provided alternatives to help make your self-talk positive, productive and loving.
“That was stupid of me!” → “That’s a common mistake.”
Look, we all do stupid things. Not a day goes by when I walk into a room without forgetting why. Sometimes I look frantically for my phone while it’s in my hand. I won’t get into how many times I’ve left a drink on the roof of my car.
None of these things make me stupid. They make me human. They make me an adult with a lot of things on my mind. And yet I still think to myself, “Damn, that was stupid.” Imagine if your friend said this to you? Sure, they might tease you a bit, but if they’re genuinely telling you you’re stupid, it’s time for new friends.
We all do stupid things. Give yourself a break. You’re still valuable. You can still create. You can still do a great job at work. You can still be a great lover.
You did something dumb. So what? Have a good laugh at yourself and go crush the rest of your day.
“Why is this happening to me?” → “How can I respond to this?”
This is the question of the year 2020. Pandemics, racial strife, economic meltdowns . . . the list goes on and on. This year has been nothing but setbacks for the vast majority of us.
To make matters worse, it feels like there is so little we can do about any of it. We’re not talking about an annoying coworker, fighting with your spouse or getting a flat tire. We’re talking serious, life-changing events all happening at once.
But asking yourself “why” does zero good. It sends the message to you that you’re powerless. You’re not. You may not be able to stop a pandemic on your own, but you can control your response to it. You can’t always prevent getting laid off but you can choose what you will do about it.
Talk to yourself in a way that empowers you to act. Don’t resign yourself to the fate of the universe. Be an active participant in your life. You happen to the world, it doesn’t happen to you.
“I hope they like me.” → “I hope I like them.”
Who doesn’t want to be liked? It’s only natural. But here’s the reality: whether or not someone likes you is none of your concern.
You have no control over it. It’s their choice, their prerogative. All you can do is show up and be who you are. If they like you, great. If they don’t, great.
Of course, you could alter your behavior in a way to try and make another person like you. But this isn’t a tenable way to go through life.
For one, you’ll be stuck acting like something you aren’t. This is the fast track to an unhappy life and imbalanced relationships. Second, by altering your behavior you’re liable to come off as fake and/or desperate, a pair of traits nobody likes.
Masking your true self to be liked is a sure-fire to way to have a bad relationship whether it’s professional, platonic or romantic.
Instead, give yourself the power. Your only concern is if you’ll like them. Your goal on a date is to determine if you’re attracted to them. Your goal in a job interview is to determine if you’ll enjoy working there. You’re not there to impress, you’re there to be impressed.
“I wish I had their life.” → “What am I taking for granted?”
The advent of social media has changed the way we perceive the world. It inundates us with everyone else’s life. But what we see on platforms like Instagram is rarely a representation of real life.
Instead, we get a collection of curated moments purveying the illusion of perfection. This onslaught of pseudo-perfection fools us into believing that everyone else has a better life.
While a great indicator of emotional maturity is recognizing this for what it is, we still slip. Envy happens. FOMO creeps in. We can’t always expect to be our most enlightened, resilient selves.
But when these negative feelings and thoughts creep in, it’s time to redirect your energy. Check in with your own life and recognize what you’ve been taking for granted.
Return yourself to gratitude. It has innumerable benefits. What do you have that someone else would die for? What do you have in your life today that you wished for yesterday?
“I’m a failure.” →”Every failure brings me closer to success.”
This is one of the most common forms of negative self-talk because everyone fails at some point. Ambition and failure go hand in hand. If you aren’t experiencing failure, you aren’t growing.
But it is so easy to forget that failure is an outcome to a result, not a character trait. You can fail but you cannot be a failure.
In fact, failure is an essential tool for growth. It is how we learn and improve. Without failure, we can’t discover the things that don’t work. By calling yourself a failure, you internalize the idea that you are doomed to fail forever.
Instead, understand failure’s place in your path to success. If you want to succeed, failure is not an option, it is a requirement.
Failure doesn’t define you, don’t talk to yourself like it does.
Negative self-talk reinforces and internalizes negative feelings about yourself. It undermines your ability to improve your self-esteem and make other positive advancements in life.
Changing a deeply held pattern of behavior like the way in which you speak to yourself isn’t an easy task. Self-correction is tough. It requires a level of diligence and focus most aren’t used to.
But by keeping a keen ear to the way in which you speak to yourself, you can begin changing the pattern. You can reverse the cycle of negativity. In turn, you’ll create positive energy that radiates out from the center of your being.
