How you can begin to deserve her
For all the men who’ve said “I don’t deserve you”
As my girlfriend sipped her iced coffee, she lamented over how the various men in her life seemed to be intimidated by her.
“Am I off-putting?” she asks.
Far from it, I remind her. She is independent, intelligent, fiercely passionate, kind, has a beautiful heart, and one look at her light, brown eyes and smile, and you’d be a goner.
Yet, she recounts numerous stories where all the men in her life have given her some version of “I don’t deserve you.” “You’re too good for me.” “I could never be enough.”
The one thing I remind my friend is to never lower her own standards. She holds high ones for herself. Why should she compromise for someone else? I firmly believe that nobody should settle for anything less than what they bring to the table.
She has done the work to love herself. To understand her needs and wants. To find her goals and live by her ambitions. If you ask me, that’s pretty sexy to find a woman who is so in-tune with herself and who lives out her independence.
But as she reminds me, the men put her on a pedestal and suddenly she becomes unreachable or unrelatable.
“I’m still human. I’m not superwoman. I still have my bad days. I struggle. All they see is the idealized image.”
I empathized with her. Made the common, “guys suck” joke as all girls do. And reminded her that she is to be nothing but herself. We left the coffee shops in laughs and giggles.
But I couldn’t help myself as I kept wondering why is it so common for strong, independent women to be inundated with men who are fearful of their independence. Their strength. Their passion. Their intelligence. Their beauty. And in what ways could we start to remedy that.
This is a start. And I’d love to see some suggestions and added comments too. While I wrote this in direct response to my girlfriend’s woes, I believe it’s universal for anyone across genders and sexual orientations.
1. See her as your equal, not your inferior or superior.
One of the biggest problems I’ve noticed amongst my independent, badass female friends is that they’re often put on a pedestal. However, by doing this, my friends no longer feel like they can be human.
They’re forced to keep up the facade of having it all together when in reality, nobody really does.
So appreciate her for all the work she’s done to get to where she is today. But remember, she too is a person. She has her bad days. Her mood swings. Her binge eating days. And she is no better than you (and she definitely isn’t inferior to you. Welcome to the 21st century).
So treat her as your equal. And let her be human.
2. Start loving yourself first. Her second.
Another common phenomenon I’ve heard is that men feel insecure by how “put together” my female friends are. That they have it all figured out.
Well, newsflash. They bothered to put in the work to have it figured out. Or they’re at least trying. They made the investment to love themselves. To find happiness within themselves. To find self-validation and not need the approval of anyone else.
That doesn’t mean you can’t do the same for yourself. Make the investment to love yourself and to care for yourself. To find comfort and security in who you are. And be the best version of you.
A partner’s job is to offer support and help you grow. But it’s not to take care of you because you can’t take care of yourself.
3. Find your thing. The passion, the purpose, the thing that lights you on fire
I’ve definitely heard of people being frightened and intimidated by the lofty goals and ambitions of my girlfriends. They want to start massive companies, cure incurable diseases, and venture into unchartered territory. They certainly don’t need anyone’s permission to do it.
Instead of being scared that her dreams will overshadow you, why not find that thing for yourself.
You are your own person. You don’t live vicariously through your partner.
It’s self-destructive to play the compare game, especially with someone who you are intimately connected with. Instead, view your partner as a source of inspiration for you to find your own thing.
Be inspired to strive for better. And let them support you in your quest for what lights you up instead of you trying to dim down her light. That will only lead to resentment for both of you.
By having your own ambitions and dreams, you’re going to be less intimidated by hers. And hopefully instead, you both start lighting each other’s fire instead of your own.
This is a start. If you don’t think you deserve her, you can. But that’s only when you put in as much work into yourself as she has into herself.
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