I Don’t Need Space From You
I always wondered what people must feel, when they separate themselves from someone they supposedly love, on purpose. I always wondered what the message behind “I need some space from you”, really is.
For me it was always quite obvious. The person terminating contact, must feel absolutely nothing towards their partner. Because … why would you ever leave without having to? Why wouldn’t you keep trying if you love this person so much? The answer was always obvious. The person just does not care enough, or they found someone more suitable for them.
But now I get it. I get what could be the message behind those words. I understand how you can leave someone you love more than anything, because you know it’s for the best. I was never able to understand because I always kept fighting for the relationships I had. I never gave up on my partners even though it was obvious, it would not last long. I just always believed it’s always worth it to hold on and try. Try harder. Why stop trying when you can always keep trying?
No.
Yesterday, I finally understood. Yesterday, I stopped trying. It wasn’t because I stopped loving him or what we have, in fact, it was and still is the deepest feeling of love I have developed for a man in my life. But that surely is not enough. Even though he’s magnificent, kindhearted, beautiful and selfless, he wasn’t good for me. Or better, the circumstances weren’t good for either one of us. I was not happy for a long time, because I couldn’t have him the way I wanted and because I stopped seeing a future, regardless of how madly in love I am with him.
Everything behind the words “I need some space from you”, are words of immense love. When I was saying them, I heard the echoing of them from people saying it to their partners somewhere else in the world, and I felt how deeply it hurts to leave when you don’t want to leave. When all you want to do is stay and hold on for dear life. But you can’t because for the first time in a long time, you decided to be selfish and care for what you need. Your own happiness and not anyone else’s. When you do that, those words come out, because ... you really do need space. Space to see the world from your eyes and not make every small decision in your life based on their presence in your life or how they would fit in. Especially when you know, at least for now, that you don’t see any outcome to the relationship.
It hurts deeply and it scars a little. But these words are far more loving than the words “I love you”. Separating from someone you love because you want what’s best for both yourself and for them, is both the most selfless and selfish thing all at once. But you know they need the space, too. He needs this space, too. Because if we really are meant for each other, it will fall back into place, without our having to force it.
If you are meant for each other, it will fall back into place, without you having to force it.
