I Loved You As Much
I am on the deck of a ship, that will take me to Helsinki, looking at the horizon, a meek line separating the sea from the sky. The forceful sea breeze makes its way through the layers of clothing to my skin, passing its chill to my bones. It reminds me of your kisses and how they used to penetrate through the thick shell that I had built around me. And how through all that, the touch of your lips would reach my soul and leave a certain warmth. The way, amidst all that pain of being, it would make me feel safe.
How long has it been since we last talked, a few months, right? I don’t know how, but I am no longer sure about that. I have thought of us, and the time we were together so often, that it has distorted my sense of time, the way Murakami puts it. Sometimes it feels that it was just a few hours back that I held your hands, your sweaty palms still feel sticky on my hands. But quite the next moment it feels as if years, even lifetimes have passed since I last saw you. You were young then, are you still that young? I feel very old now. How many birthdays have you celebrated since then? I still remember the day that you first said you loved me. I still remember my silence, that I didn’t say anything, though I could have, I loved you as much. I wanted to wait until your birthday to say that. In my mind we were going to last forever, a few months’ of wait wouldn’t hurt, but guess I’d never get the chance again.
