I would have loved being in love with you.
I would have loved being in love with you.
When I think of you now, the pain tears through my heart. But each day, as I unwillingly let my thoughts wander back to the moments we shared, your hand on mine, your smiling eyes looking deeply into me, that’s when I know.
I would have loved being in love with you.
Loving you would have felt like all of the support in the world that I was hesitant to believe I could find.
Loving you would have felt like home.
Suddenly, my dreams wouldn’t feel so far away, because you’d hold them when it felt impossible to hold them myself.
I would have loved being in love with you.
Thinking back, I can feel the warmth of your embrace, but it spans beyond my physical memory. You set my soul at ease. You showed me a love I didn’t even know existed. In all of the years before I met you, I thought I knew what it felt like to love someone, but all I knew was what it felt like to desperately wish those someones loved me.
With you, I felt loved. I felt the genuine warmth of wanting to give love and support to someone, solely to know they were taken care of. To know they were loved in return.
We’re separated by everything and nothing.
You’re so close to me, yet the lines between us are completely severed. I don’t know if I’ll ever see or hear from you again. There’s something in that, like you never really existed at all. You’re just a phantom memory, a wish my heart made.
I long to have someone to admire, to watch over; whose being would be the very thing that my soul wakes up yearning to wander aimlessly through each day. Gazing at you, just to wonder what you’re thinking, who you’ll wake up and be each day. Resting easily in the notion that I’ll be there with you, every step of the way. Knowing that our dreams are balanced in the delicate space between us. The most sacred space of all.
But it wasn’t you. And I won’t ever know what it feels like to be in love with you.
All of these hopes will one day be bottled up and released for someone else. And I have to bottle them up, I have to leave you out of my dreams now because they are meant for someone else.
When I find him, I wonder where you’ll be. I wonder if I’ll still wish I’d had the chance to be in love with you. I wonder if I’ll still send my love to you each night, in hopes that you are always living the life of your dreams. That the next time someone comes along who knows she could love you, that you’ll let her.
I know you wouldn’t want to know that I still cry when I let my mind settle on you for too long, that thinking of you feels like a hole deep in my heart, something I’ll never be able to reach to repair. And I know that I have to fill that hole up on my own, that not you or any other person can do it for me.
You gave me something beautiful, one of the best things I’ve ever had. Yet, somehow knowing you also became one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, because I lost what I truly believed was the most sacred spark between two souls. I thought it was going to be you and me against the world. I thought you were the partner in crime that I’d dreamed into life.
For you, I’ll never bring myself to close that door. I will always love being in love with you.
