“If you want to go just go”. One good day, I left. Not because I didn’t love him but because I had wanted to leave on my own terms after I have had full closure on the matter. We had gotten to the point where we could be laughing and deep down I knew it was momentary and just on the surface. We would be quiet and I would sit there waiting for the next explosion. I sat and wondered what happened to the “good” six years I had shared with him.
It’s very normal for people in long term relationships to break up and make up all the time. With us, within two weeks of mending things we would be back to what broke us up earlier and I would be left with instant regret and be very disappointed with myself. I hated whom I had become. Am naturally a softie, but this bond had hardened my heart. I hated who I was going to become in future. I kept thinking how I was literally going to be one of the kids in the house if ever we were to have them later in life. (PS: He was a bit older than me).
The realization that you are a statistic of such abuse (yes because that’s what it is) is heart wrenching and hits you hard in the face. It’s even more painful because the pain is within, people see you holding hands at the mall and assume you are happy, and yet there is massive internal bleeding within. The thing is you don’t see the elephant coming into your house, first it’s the trunk, then you keep playing with it and patting it, then the head and the next thing you know this giant monster has occupied the whole house and it’s not easy to get rid of it. Some things were first said subtly and he would low key put me down on how I dressed and looked (by the way am beautiful and dress really well. lol). Later it became quite obvious because he would diminish whatever joy or excitement I had about my future and criticized my opinions. The next thing I knew the once confident girl I was, was forever questioning and second guessing every decision I had to make. Ignoring the red flags because you “see the good in them” is what has us all messed up.
I went to his house on that fateful day and said “you always tell me to go, I think the time for me to go is finally here”. (BOOOM). He did not see that one coming, and for the longest time he stared on empty space. Forget him, where did I get the guts from? I even surprised myself. The week prior was the best we ever had in a very long time and so he was really taken aback. Don’t take the words of R. Kelly for granted when he says when a woman is fed up they is nothing you can do about it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The truth is that I stayed for all the wrong reasons. He had charm and was quite witty and we also had a lot in common. But with time and maturity you realise that there is more to it than that’s just both of you loving hip-hop, or how crazy you both are of Sir Anthony Hopkins. You begin to wonder if this person will support the big dreams that sometimes scare even yourself, or will they be intimidated. Will this person be there in future and be your pillar of strength when they lower your parents` casket on the ground? Can he deposit the qualities that children need from their father and make them whole beings? Was God even the centre of our union. No, our future looked bleak.
What’s the hardest for a woman isn’t losing him. Its forgiving herself for falling in love with his “potential”, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs and his inconsistency. It`s one thing to be in -denial of the fact that you are in a toxic relationship and another thing to actually make a decision to leave. It was a calculated risk that I was willing to take. I was tired of being told that the devil I know is better than the angel I do not know. I did not want to be caught up on what ifs. I missed the old loving and carefree me. I ached to be looked at like am the best thing that has ever happened to someone. I craved new beginnings and clean slates. I yearned to be touched and feel the hair on my nape stand on end. Maybe it sounded corny but I wanted it. I fantasized about thunders and lightnings. All I know is that if God blocks it then leave it alone. So I left.
