I’m not dumb, I was heartbroken
and here’s a step by step guide on how to overcome it
If this makes perfect sense to you and seems quite obvious, congratulations! you’re not heartbroken.
If not, you might want to consider reading till the end.
It wasn’t my first heartbreak. Or so I thought.
In fact, I was feeling rather fine at the moment I texted him back, approving the breakup.
- Hayfa?
- Yes, honey?
- I don’t feel comfortable with you anymore.
- I understand.
Truth is, I didn’t understand. Not at all. It took me about 10 minutes to get over the initial shock of one year and a half worth of memories and love just being shoved down the toilet.
I got myself out of bed and left the house.
I thought I was capable of pulling it off, but I didn’t.
Devastated, I would fall on my knees in the streets with tomato-red eyes and a bunch of passengers admiring the Shakespearean tragedy with pitiful facial expressions.
I was barely able to stand still.
The thought of texting friends or involving people in this seemed like a lot of mental and emotional labour.
I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated.
After all, I was gambling on the man, and everyone had warned me multiple times before.
I felt the urgent need to skip the entire emotional and actual PHYSICAL pain and fast forward to some happier chapter in my life.
According to how the world works, that wasn’t an option.
Consequently, I found myself fighting it back, developing tools and patterns to lessen the pain and speed up the healing.
Five months later, I’m happy to report that I have.
Embrace the pain
One thing that I subconsciously tried to do during the first couple of days, was to cut it short. To appear strong. To defy my very own emotions.
But by doing that, I was sabotaging myself and making everything worse.
Slowly, I forced myself to feel every single drop of bitterness as it travels its way through my veins and settles down on my heart. A huge Himalayan rock of disappointment and denial.
I would spend the nights crying my eyeballs out and recalling the memories.
Remembering the warmth of his fragile body as it clings to mine.
Anger and desperation took over my life and I lost all desire to get involved in anything meaningful.
In fact, “meaningful” needed to be removed from the dictionary and spat on by every couple whose love has been aborted “in mysterious circumstances”.
After all, what meaning does your life have if you lost the love of your life? “The one” around whom your world gravitates?
It was bad, hard and definitely sad.
During this time, I resorted to music, some books and movies.
Your typical post-break-up grandma recipe.
My mind was cloudy, I was unable to think reasonably, and according to science, 25% of my IQ went straight out the door.
I had international friends calling me in the morning to remind me of my lectures and a 15-year-old brother playing Eminem on repeat.
I was a toddler in the body of a 20-year-old.
Dysfunctional.
A legit mess.
Which gets us to the second recommendation:
Nourish a support system
Let’s face it: Life can be hard. Cruel. Degrading. But with people to back you up, you’ll be able to navigate your way through.
You’re not meant to do this alone.
And the ones you trust, care for and look up to, won’t be as judgemental as you think. Don’t buy that shit.
Your friend who told you you’re making a wrong decision by settling for your ex, won’t be laughing at your a** as you swallow the poisonous potions of romantic failure.
In fact, they’ll do their best to make you feel better.
And even though comments like: “you deserve better” or “c’est la vie” don’t work, most of the times. You’ll still need someone to remind you of your worth. Given that, by looking at the mirror, you might mistake yourself for Ursula. That’s a complete illusion. You look pretty/handsome. Take it from me, some stranger you’re reading for on the internet. Doesn’t seem like a trustful source? Neither does the last person you met at the bar half wasted in a hopeless attempt to get a “rebound”.
Don’t do rebounds
This is your fight, and you’re fully equipped to win it.
Don’t get others involved and hurt them in the process.
Unless you make it clear to them that your short relationship is one of mere sexual nature, and they agree, don’t take them with you on your emotional rollercoaster ride.
If you feel the void within you calling your ex’s name, you’re probably not ready for a new romantic adventure yet.
Instead of searching for ephemeral pleasure, through sex or drugs or alcohol or..chocolate, call back an old friend you dumped in the early stages of the healing process: REASON.
Assess the causes and effects
At this point, it is important to let go of one major toxic habit: romanticizing your last relationship and idolizing your ex.
I am the result of the fusion of two diametrically opposed women. One hopeless romantic, the chronic kind, and one go-getter competitive b****. Somehow, they’re managing to co-exist.
I don’t know how. I don’t have all the answers, okay?
As a result, my life is composed of two cycles: falling in love and falling out of love.
When I’m in love, I’m ready to sacrifice everything I have, the hopeless romantic is taking complete control. And as many of you can guess, she’s good with creativity, painting, writing but definitely not making long-term serious life decisions such as picking the right partner. What made it worse was the level of confusion and complexity upon which my ex-boyfriend operates. He was a writer, a published one. An activist, an acknowledged one. A sensitive romantic, or so I thought. And when he decided to withdraw from my life, I was 99% sure that I will never meet anyone better. I was convinced that I lost my shot. My secret stairway to the happy life I deserve.
I felt as if my dating life has been nuclear bombed and that it’s no longer growth-prone.
Thankfully for me, the other side of my personality decided it was time to interfere.
“To start with, romance is a social construction,” she said “ And love lies beyond midnight texts, poems and articulate words, it is in the comfort of the 100th date and the rediscovery of the same body you’re familiar with”
Couldn’t agree more.
It was time for me to get to the hardest part: Understanding that a breakup doesn’t suddenly pop out from nowhere. It is rather the eventual result of a dysfunctional relationship.
I decided to hold myself accountable for every choice I made during the past one and a half year.
I’ve seen the red flags. Clearly. I’ve been warned. By different people. Multiple times. and yet, I’ve talked myself into “giving it a chance”. A lot of them.
I, as well, made mistakes along the way.
As much as I praised myself for my kick-a** communication skills. In this relationship, I was an awful communicator.
I failed to reach out to my ex when I needed him the most. I thought he had enough problems to deal with, so I didn’t tell him mine. I never voiced out my expectations loudly and explicitly. I rather dropped hints and let him guess. (Men aren’t particularly brilliant at that, I learnt it the hard way :p). I never felt comfortable enough to ask for his help. I hid my vulnerability out of fear of judgment and I honestly.. have seen it coming.
If you believe the breakup is entirely your ex’s fault, you’re probably still under the influence of your emotions.
As tough as it may seem, reflecting on the past is the best way to fully live in the present.
Accept reality and work on your personal growth
By the time he was dating again, I re-established my reasoning and analytical thinking.
Pictures of him and his new girlfriend made me feel numb in the heart (if that makes sense?) but I would immediately ask the question: WHY? and my answers would always get back to me.
- I feel bad because I believe they are happy.
- And what’s wrong with them being happy?
- because I’m still unhappy.
then the ultimate question is: why the fuck am I unhappy?
In the end, I’m in full control of my emotions and it’s, now, about me, rather than some ghost hunting me down from the past.
In retrospect, I can’t be prouder of myself for going through 2 years of all different mighty, inspiring and painful phases of love.
I’m aware of how lucky I was to stumble on it and I believe that the experience was worth every single smile of joy and drop of tear.
Memories are what we carry until we die (or get Alzheimer) and lessons are what we take to the next relationship.
Made it this far? Here’s a huge virtual hug and a genuine THANK YOU. 💓
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