In the Calm of the Storm
A part of me is so immensely hurt and frustrated by you. Overwhelmed by the same betrayal that you swore to me you would never allow another human soul to bear. There’s just so much anger.
You broke my heart.
You made me feel so alone in all this.
I have never felt so sure and right about something, yet entirely wrong at the same time.
You made me question my own thoughts and feelings. Waking up each morning, testing the veracity and soundness of my inner self.
This drove me to insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again, believing in the same thing over and over again — expecting something, anything, to change.
(Emphasized Break)
We live in a culture of shame, and I played right into it. I take full responsibility. I should have known better than to get involved with a heart that was still emotionally tethered to another.
In retrospect I harbor so much guilt for being “the other woman”. I am the secret that will always continue to be a secret. A mere illusion never quite worthy enough to cross over into your reality.
I see so clearly now that this is exactly how you wanted it all along. You never intended for me to be your reality. You always played your cards deliberately anticipating for that right moment to go all in.
Intention speaks that I was always meant to be and stay a secret.
Heart whispers the constant desire to forgive you and let go.
Mind incessantly chants that I will never be her.
Spirit exudes the truth.
Body feels it all. The pain. The betrayal. The shame and guilt. The brokenness. The hope. The endless tug and pull of hearts, only to collapse in the aftermath of an unbearable lightness.
Courage pushes me to forgive once more and this time I listen. I read somewhere once before, that forgiveness is the act of “selective remembering”. The act of choosing love over fear.
I know that your actions stem from a deeply rooted place of pain and fear. In an attempt to work through your own reality, it was necessary to hurt me in the process. I rise up to take responsibility for my actions as well. To admit that I was in the wrong just as much as we all were.
To forgive not only you, but also myself, enough to let go and be released from the weight of this heartache.
Did I imagine everything we had? Was it ever even remotely real for you? Were your intentions masked in hollowness?
I see so clearly now, that your heart has always been entirely removed from the situation. It was incapable of comprehending the weight of it all. The weight and burden I continue to carry even after you have left.
The shame.
The guilt.
The regrets.
The despair.
The longing.
The deep deep betrayal.
You have always been the executioner, and I the loyal servant.
I’ve decided that I am finished and exhausted. Letting go but with real intention this time. I don’t hold any malice towards you ever, because a part of my heart will always beat for you in a rhythm separate from any other human. You will always still be that person for me, even if I am not for you.
Ultimately, we were a fire storm that took heat instantly, but faded and burned to ashes all in the same breath.
We were never meant to last. We were never meant to go on. We were never meant to be anything more than what we were.
And that is okay.
This is okay.
You are okay.
I am okay.
