I’ve Got Plans
I’ve got plans for Friday and next Tuesday and next December. I can’t be suicidal. I’m planning on being here. Except maybe I’m not. Maybe the reason I’m determined to cram as many experiences into the right now, the tomorrows, the next weeks is because I’m not sure how long I am going to be here. Maybe I get more than my eyes from my dad. Maybe I’ve got a little of his determination to live and die as fast as possible. I made it past twenty three, but who says I have to see thirty?
I’ve got plans to move into a new house, and get married and have kids and grow up and into my life. I’ve spent hours and days and years making these plans. I’ve got checklists and schedules and mile markers. Sometimes I get really into the planning and my excitement looks like dedication but really it’s just desperation.
Because if I have plans I’ve got to stick around right?
Sometimes those plans look more like dreams though and dreams can sometimes disappear into thin air. People like me, we can’t bank on dreams. Dreams are too shaky and unstable to hang your life on. Then there’s goals and they seem like a really good idea because you can work towards them and look? See? You’ve made progress. And that’s supposed to make you feel better. But then something happens and then something else happens and suddenly that goal is so far away it looks like a dream and you’re back to square one.
So I’ve got plans and they’re supposed to keep me steady. Except they’re more like a life raft in a river and when the weather gets shitty sometimes that life raft isn’t enough to hold you above water and you dip below the surface. And what no one tells you is below the surface is this roaring noise and it drowns out all the bullshit. It’s just rushing water and you. And sometimes you want to stay under the water, but you’ve got plans so you pop back up. You hold onto the plans and they float you along for a little while longer, but now that goal you wanted to achieve is upstream and you’re too tired to swim to it but your head’s above water so hey that’s a win right?
Except I don’t want to just float along on this little life raft of lists and diagrams and charts. I’ve got plans and sometimes they keep me alive but I want dreams and goals too. I want to make progress and have ambition. I want to close my eyes and dream about things and not get sad because I’ll never get there. I want to plan on getting there, and not be overwhelmed by that plan. I want to stop cramming life into every moment because I want to live long enough to actually live.
