Lessons I’ve Learned About Supporting a Friend or Loved One With Depression

Dear Past Self,

As a child growing up in the 90’s, you probably haven’t heard of Depression yet. The 1990's media doesn’t really like to talk about mental health, after all, unless it’s to poke fun at Michael Jackson or talk about celebrities going to rehab. When you do hear about Depression for the first time, you’ll have a very particular image drilled into your head. You’ll imagine someone dressed in black and staring at the floor, maybe someone binge drinking alone in a messy apartment. Thanks to the media, you think of depression as something other, something that doesn’t happen to people you know, something that doesn’t affect your life.

Media Portrayal of Depression

Reality

In reality, Past Self, depression actually does affect most people: even those who don’t struggle with depression likely have a friend or family member that does:

Moreover, Past Self, despite what you’ve been led to believe, depression does not all look the same. It comes in thousands of different forms.

Sometimes, depression can look like having fun.

Sometimes, depression can look like apathy:

The point is, depression doesn’t always look just one way. And because depression isn’t always easily recognizable, it’s easy to be surprised, confused, or overwhelmed when a friend shares they’ve been struggling with depression. You’ll want to be supportive of your friend, but you may not know how, or where, to start.

That’s why I’m writing, Past Self. I’m hoping that sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned about helping a friend going through depression will help you avoid some of the mistakes I made.

For example: one instinct you might have is to try and “fix” your friend’s depression. You’ll want to cheer your depressed friend up, to talk them out of feeling sad. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work so well.

You can’t talk someone out of depression any more than you can talk someone out of having the flu. And you won’t be able to solve their depression by doing nice things, either.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t do nice things for your friend–you definitely should! Just don’t do these things hoping that they will magically fix your friend’s mental health challenge.

Not only is trying to “solve” your friend’s depression an ineffective strategy, but it can also make your friend feel like they need to pretend to be happy in order to make you happy. They end up performing happiness for you instead of being honest.

When your friend doesn’t feel like they can be emotionally honest with you, you lose your ability to really be a supportive friend. Instead of trying to fix their depression for them, you’ll want to listen to your friends non-judgementally (which is just a good policy for friendship in general, but I digress).

The non-judgemental part is critical here. When your friend describes their experiences with depression, it may sound to you like your friend is “overreacting” to small events, or not trying to get better. These are both false beliefs: friends struggling with depression are not overreacting or lazy.

Instead of judging their words, try to recognize that you and your friend are experiencing the world differently. Indeed, for some, living with depression is like living in a different world.

It’s as if you were seeing this day outside:

And your friend was seeing this:

Similarly, an interaction that may seem perfectly ordinary to you

Might seem overwhelming or challenging to your friend:

Recognizing that you can’t solve your friend’s depression, and that their experience of the world differs from your own, doesn’t mean you can’t provide support. There are many ways to be there for a friend who struggles depression. This support can look different for different people.

Sometimes, supporting someone with depression will mean giving them some space to be alone.

Other friends might prefer your company or may not even want you to change your behavior at all.

As I noted, not all depression looks the same. Similarly, not all people struggling with depression will want the same kind of support. There’s no exact phrase or magic pill that will make you the perfect supportive friend.

Fortunately, the most important part of being a supportive friend often isn’t exactly what you do or say. It’s just showing up.

I hope this helps you be a better support system for those struggling with depression in your life, Past Self. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and those around you.

Best,

Present Self

Dear Reader,

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