Lessons That Little Red Riding Hood Taught Me About Elder Abuse
The woman who was reportedly savvy in business, medical, and legal matters had one job to do in exchange for rent-free housing — take care of my mom to ease the burden on my dad’s sole caregiving responsibilities.
Within three years of the caregiver moving into my childhood home, nothing about my legacy remained intact. My family possessions and heirlooms were sold on EBay, I was disowned by my parents, my mom died without any of our family and friends knowing that she passed, and the caregiver married my dad three months later, without informing any family or friends of the nuptials. My world not only crumbled, it went through a seismic earthquake.
The outcome did not happen overnight. It was an extremely confusing and lonely experience not only for me, but for my entire family. Fortunately, we have been able to climb out of the despair, thanks in large part to a very strong network. I consider myself lucky though. Those three years were the darkest of my life.
With the baby boomer population rapidly aging, elder abuse is growing in public attention. Many articles address tips and signs to proactively prevent elder abuse. However, there are very few articles that provide advice when someone is in the midst of it. In an effort to help others who might be facing a similar situation with their loved ones, I offer some reflections of what I learned.
To use a metaphorical reference from the childhood fairytale Little Red Riding Hood, be aware of the wolf dressed in Grandmother’s clothes. It is an excellent reminder that people are not always who they appear to be.
As a synopsis, en route to her grandmother’s home, Little Red Riding Hood spoke to a wolf and mentioned where she was going. Because the wolf was up to no good, he took a shortcut to get to Little Red’s grandmother’s home before Little Red’s arrival. The wolf stole the grandmother’s clothes and impersonated her when Little Red came to the door. Little Red was immediately suspicious that her grandmother drastically changed. After the two engaged in a quick interrogation, the wolf revealed who he really was. That is when Little Red yelled for help. Fortunately, in her case, help came immediately and the wolf suffered consequences.
Here are some things to remember when a stranger enters your home to care for your beloved senior:
…The number one sign that elder abuse is occurring is physical and/or emotional isolation between the elder and their loved one(s). One family member being separated from their beloved is bad enough. When two or more family members are barred from communication for no valid reason, there should be grave concern.
…Real caregivers ensure families are kept together at all times. Disguised caregivers wedge families apart by directly vocalizing demands or by indirectly controlling the puppet strings.
…Real caregivers have their own personal legal documents in order. Disguised caregivers will suddenly appear out of the blue and ask you to sign over legal documents (deeds, power of attorney, banking accounts) into their names.
…Real caregivers can provide licenses and certificates, which can be verified by state and county offices. Disguised caregivers will talk about their many qualifications without much proof.
…Real caregivers go home to their families. Disguised caregivers will be estranged from their family for a myriad of reasons. Your family will undoubtedly be next.
If you think you see signs of elder abuse occurring…
…report your situation to multiple authorities without delay. This includes (but not limited to): Adult Protective Services, police, doctor offices, lawyers, surrogate’s office, county senior office, licensing board, and prosecutor offices. You never know when someone can help.
…you may begin to feel like you are living in alternate universe compared to before the caregiver entered the picture. You probably are. But it is temporary. Implement self-care practices as often as possible. Your loved one needs you to take care of yourself in order to take care of them.
…remember that when the caregiver has done wrong, they automatically become accountable, in spite of telling you otherwise.
…know that your reputation precedes you. Your support network is behind you more than you think. That includes both your physical and virtual worlds. Rely on them, as needed.
…talk to family, friends, and acquaintances about your situation. You may be surprised of the number of people who have experienced isolation of their own loved one and/or who can provide ideas or resources.
…keep striving for answers. You’re going to face many dead ends. Find another angle. Don’t give up. Your loved one probably would have done the same for you.
… repeat the mantra, “I am blameless for what the abuser has blamed me for.” Keep saying it until you believe it.
…if you miss elder abuse signs and/or you are unable to promote action, it is not your fault. If you see things that bother you about your loved ones’s treatment by another person, that is a red flag. No one can tell you otherwise.
Elder abuse is a growing phenomenon that is gaining worldwide recognition. Even though you may be a legitimate heir to someone, you are not automatically afforded any rights. Federal and state laws are evolving to combat the elder abuse epidemic. But it takes time to trickle to down to the city and county levels of where you live. And interpretation of laws also vary from agency to agency.
If you are going through this, remember that the north star to guide you is grounded in the love for the senior who you are fighting for. No senior should spend one week without their loved ones.
Dr. Toby Davidow has been advocating for elder abuse awareness since 2017, at which time neither she nor any of her family were notified about Toby’s mother hospice care or passing. You can read more about Toby’s parents isolation in this Stateline/Huffington Post article. Toby authored an opinion piece on Marvel Comics’ creator Stan Lee’s alleged elder abuse. Toby partners with Kasem Cares to pass state-wide visitation bills to ensure that no senior spends one week without their loved ones.
