Letter to All My Current Boyfriends Regarding New Supply-Chain Management Protocols
Dear Boyfriends:
In these uncertain and unprecedented times, I’m reaching out to each of you regarding complicated issues of supply chain management that I appear to be facing. As I’m sure you will recognize, all consumers of Boyfriend services are currently dealing with difficult operational adjustments, and I am certainly no exception.
In light of disruptions to supply-chain distribution nodes — particularly the extended closure of bars, hotels, and lingerie store dressing-rooms — I’m sure you will understand the need for me to drive consistency across my contracted strategic suppliers. Unfortunately, but unavoidably, I will no longer be able to accommodate spontaneous cocktails, last-minute invitations to Netflix and chill, or requests to “hook up <eggplant emoji>.”
Instead, going forward, all suppliers of Boyfriend services will be required to submit timely responses to Requests for Proposals, which I expect to issue on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, depending on my libido levels and whether I’ve found anything good on Amazon Prime. Effective immediately, I will also be transitioning all suppliers to a virtual model. All Boyfriends will be required to subscribe to a uniform technology infrastructure designed to facilitate stimulating conversation, online happy hours, and — for those suppliers in the Preferred Partner Program only — phone sex. I’m hoping that streamlining the supply-chain process in this manner will lead to more satisfying encounters with each of you, as well as a decreased likelihood of my becoming so bored that I start writing fake business missives for submission to a writing website.
Furthermore, and consistent with evolving data protection regimes, I will need to insist on uniformity in the presentation of all future shirtless selfies and dick pics. Any supplier of Boyfriend services who wishes to submit a depiction of his muscled chest or naked erect penis will now be required to adhere to a standard template that will be provided under separate cover. Free-form dood noodz will no longer be accepted.
As a final note, I greatly appreciate your willingness to make the necessary adjustments as we navigate together through the End of Dating As We Know It. I sincerely value my partnerships with each and every one of you and look forward to ongoing productive and mutually beneficial interactions in the future, albeit in a digital and properly sourced and managed form.
I hope that you and your teams are remaining healthy and well in these difficult times.
Very truly yours,
Claire
