Love Isn’t This…
When you think of it, so often the mate of our coupledom, is expected to take the hard blow of our emotional angst when it pops up and scares us.
Unregulated triggers spring forth from us . . . the ones we don’t want to spend time with because we actually don’t know how to heal them.
But they appear, and the urge to get rid of them — but fast — usually results in stuffing them.
This works dysfunctionally-well in singledom, but in coupledom, there’s a societal get-out-of-jail bypass often evoked: blame the mate.
The notorious plot goes like this: if the mate “loves us enough” they will receive the pummeling of our need to blame them when our victim tea kettle whistle screeches.
And why blame them? Because they’re there.
You don’t act romantic anymore. Why do you leave your dirty clothes all over? I’m exhausted from doing EVERYTHING around here. You don’t pay me any attention — you’re work is too important I guess. Could you put a new toilet paper roll on, like ever?
Then we expect them to stand back up to take more the next time. And, let it go as though our nuclear blast was nothing. “That’s the least they need to do in order to prove their worth to us,” says the Ego.
Yeah. That’s crap.
Interesting that it’s inside of a “love relationship.”
It’s disintegrated into neither.
A therapist (relationship) can handle your victim scud missiles, but your mate isn’t licensed and credentialed to deal with all that. They signed on for love (hopefully); not to be your therapist.
And no it’s not a sign of their great expansive love for you to be your emotional punching bag. It takes them away from loving you because like you, their hands get burnt when you toss them your burning hot pocket of unresolved non-love you got going for yourself.
I’m not suggesting you go back to stuffing your unresolved feelings in order not to burden your partner. If they have any love antennaes they’ll detect the angst.
But what you can do is to be open and vulnerable (I know — it’s scary) and share with them what’s going on. Done right, without making it their job to fix it, they can step into a space of love and soothe you in a way no friend, family member or therapist can.
Love is an action, never simply a feeling. -Bell Hooks
Check out this . . .
Sometimes it’s helpful to understand what a guy is looking for in love.
