Missing My Mom: Living my 2nd Dash
“The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.”— Author Unknown
Whew, I made it through another Mother’s Day without my Momma. Happy Mother’s Day to all those out there mothering others. Giving birth to a baby is not the only way to qualify. Many fill the roles labeled as a “Mother.” Grieving a loved one at milestones is especially difficult; May hits me with my Mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day in the same week.
Recently, while watching a tv show, I heard something which resonated with me. The character spoke about how a dancer dies twice, the first one when dancing has to end. “A dancer, more than any other human being, dies two deaths: the first, the physical when the powerfully trained body will no longer respond as you would wish. After all, I choreographed for myself. I never choreographed what I could not do. I changed steps in Medea and other ballets to accommodate the change. But I knew. And it haunted me. I only wanted to dance.”Martha Graham (http://www.dance-quotes.net/martha-graham-quotes.html)
1942–1998 My mother’s dash
1965–1998 My dash to Mom’s death
1998- My dash beginning with my mom’s death
A person’s dash represents the lifeline from birth until death. I feel my life ended the day my mother died and now “my dash” is from July 4, 1998 until my death. I found the following quote and I have been working through the implications. “The death of your parents can be the best thing that ever happens to you. That provocative assertion became the opening line of Death Benefits, an autobiography-cum-guidebook Safer has written about that most momentous of midlife passages — becoming an adult orphan. The book, published by Basic Books, is due in bookstores this week. The death of a parent — any parent — can set us free. It offers us our last, best chance to become our truest, deepest selves, Safer writes. Nothing else in adult life has so much unrecognized potential to help us become more fulfilled human beings — wiser, more mature, more open, less afraid. And maybe healthier too. Safer and other health professionals point to legions of adults in midlife whose parents’ deaths inspired them to lose weight, tidy up poor health habits, get help for depression or anxiety, pursue new passions and shoulder responsibility for their physical and mental well-being.”http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-orphans5-2008may05-story.html
For the longest time, I could only focus on what was lost as shown by this letter I wrote last year.
Dear Mom,
This is the first of 100 letters I will write to you. When you died on the 4th of July in 1998 at the age of 56, my life fell apart. I have been working on recovery and this is the next stop for me. Every day,I want to call you or write you an email or text. I want to send you pictures of your Great Granddaughter Blythe, of your Granddaughter Kelsey teaching students, of your Granddaughter Amelia clerking for a Federal Judge. So many things you missed, three high school graduations, three college graduations, all three grandchildren obtaining graduate degrees. Oh my would you be proud. I want to tell you proud I am and how I can’t bear the pain at times when I let myself go to a place where you no longer breathe and smile and cry and laugh. Oh how I loved hearing you laugh and talk about how much you loved your grandchildren. Mom, remember when you saw Ben the minute he was born? He’s a daddy and he is so good with that little girl. I love and miss you everyday.
Your daughter forever
July 4, 2018 will mark the 20th anniversary of my beloved mother’s death from sepsis, as a complication of a two year battle with terminal cancer. At only 56, the best among us was lost. She was mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother, aunt, friend, fellow attorney, active congregant. I am sure I am forgetting something because she was a phenomenal woman whose life touched so many, far and wide. It has been the most traumatic event in my life. In all honesty, there were days, I was not sure I could go on without her. Having three young children, I needed to go on, how to do that was the quest I went on for a good ten years. I experienced grief as one expects, however in my case, it evolved into depression and anxiety. I sought out professional help and I am sure glad that I did. I experienced so much anxiety about my children getting sick and dying. I slept poorly because I would lie in bed having anticipatory anxiety about waking up in the middle of the night in a panic. There were also many days that I could barely drag myself out of bed due to a major depressive episode. 20 years and counting… Need to stop the counting. And to focus on the journey of the dash and not its duration. Do not think about what you have missed out in the last 20 years. Do not think about what she will miss out in the next 20 years. Today, make an effort to be mindful of what you learned from her in 33 years and take that and choose to live in a manner, respecting and reflecting that learning. Honor her memory by being your best and living and loving with kindness. Teach others to make kind choices. From my mother, I love reading, writing and crafting. My hobbies reflect her values and I inherited those same values. I have very good memories and I try to push them to the top above the bad memories.
When I look back on the past 20 years since my Mother died, I realize that following three ACTIONS have helped me the most.
* Try everyday to be grateful for what I have, my loving spouse, three wonderful adult children, a beloved granddaughter and many friends and other family members.
* Take the very best of my mother and incorporate that into all of my relationships, whether they are personal or professional. She had a kind heart and there is a great need of kindness in the world.
*Put myself into situations where I can have success, by making healthy life choices and being aware of toxicity in the people and places around me.
