My Love Life Re-imagined as a Game Show
Bob: Welcome back to “Love Life,” the game show where you get a chance at meeting your “forever partner!” I am Bob Devotion, your beloved host.
APPLAUSE
Bob: Our contestant today is a cisgender, heterosexual lady who comes from a conservative household…
BOOING
Bob: Hey, she might not seem as interesting as last week’s contestant, but we guarantee behind those curtains, there are just as many assholes as last week… if not more.
CHEERING
Bob: Let’s give a big applause to our contestant and hope tonight she finds real love.
APPLAUSE
Bob: Hi Cynthia. How are you feeling tonight?
Me: Hi Bob, I am looking forward to falling in love.
Bob: Do you have an idea of what you want in a man?
Me: I don’t know… but I would love to experience a movie-like romance.
LAUGHTER
Bob: Oh dear …
*OLD MAN “CUPID,” RUNS ACROSS THE STAGE IN NOTHING BUT A RED LOINCLOTH AND A BOW AND ARROW*
Bob: Uh-Oh it seems it’s time for Round 1: …
Audience: “ASSHOLE OR NOT!”
*GAMESHOW MUSIC INTRODUCING ROUND 1*
Bob: Cindi… may I call you Cindi? You see this big, long curtain?
Me: Aha.
Bob: Behind it are the some love interests you will meet in life, along with some of the most memorable assholes.
Me: Bring it on, Bob!
Bob: I love your spirit! Let’s open the curtains and reveal our men!
*MASSIVE CURTAIN OPENS *
CHEERING AND BOOING
Bob: I can see a few good looking men up there; one of them could be “The One!”
Bob: To play this round, you will have to have an interaction at some point in your life with these individuals. After each experience you will press one of these two buttons in front of you, “Asshole” or “Keeper.” Remember, someone can be an asshole, whom you decide to keep. For this man you’ll have to press “Keeper,” because only “Keepers” will advance to the next round. Is that clear?
Me: Aha.
Bob: Then, let the love games begin!
*HORN*
Me: I will start this round with…Guy number 1. Hi, number 1. I am 22 and I work for your best friend in the office next door to your business. I think of you as a maybe a nice, harmless guy and nothing more. Why are you up there with the rest of them?
1: Cynthia, let me be frank with you. I invited my brother over to check you out. Since he is older, he has dibs on you. The short story is that he likes you, but you’re a bit too young for him, so he passed you on to me. You’re not too young for me.
Me: I am confused on so many levels…Let’s start with: you’re still 10 years older than me…
1: Yes, but you’re a girl and everyone knows in a couple of years no one will want you. Better find someone to marry you soon and who’s better than me. I am a thirty-something-year-old with his own business. An offer like this rarely happens.
Me: Umm, no, thanks?
1: Ok, I will give you time; I will hound you on-and-off for six months making you the same offer.
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
Bob: Cynthia pressed the “Asshole” button!
*OUT COMES OLD MAN CUPID WITH A BROOM AND CHASES 1 AWAY*
Me: Number…. 7! We have common friends and you are someone I could like, but I haven’t decided yet.
7: Wait, hold that thought. I am about to lie about giving you a ride to a party with common friends, while I actually take you where my ex usually hangs out. I need her to see us together, so she can die in jealousy and self-pity.
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
*CUPID CHASES 7 OUT*
Me: Number Four. We are acquaintances who meet up on a beach for a university beach activity…
4: Stop talking and look how I flex my chest muscles! Now you try to do it, and let me stare at your boobs.
Me: No! and it’s not like there isn’t anything worth staring at…
4: You’re right. You should get a plastic surgeon to fix that for you. Add a cup or two… And while you’re there, have a nose job as well.
Guy number 5: For God’s sake man!
4: What? Girls with low self-confidence are easy.
BEEEEEPPPP!!!!
Bob: Number 4 is out! Don’t lose hope, Cindi.
Me: Number 5, you were saying that if we were acquaintances and we met on the beach, you would handle it differently?
5: Yes, I would make normal conversation. I would ask about your hobbies, your plans this summer and for after you graduate. I will also invite you to come to my volleyball match very subtly, so I can see you again before I have to travel and live indefinitely abroad.
Me: That’s sweet, but if you do it too subtly, I will probably not get it and not show up.
5: Then when I leave, but I will not forget our talk on the beach…
DING!
Bob: Oh, my God! Cynthia pressed “Keeper!” but he’s leaving!
Me: I know, but I don’t want him out of the picture altogether.
Me: Guy number 2, We see each other every day at my new job. Why do you always flirt with me but never ask me out?
2: If you want some special alone time with me, baby, all you have to do is ask.
Bob: We have a “friend intervention!” Cynthia do you want to take it? It’s up to you.
Me: I will take it, Bob…
Friend: He’s a player and already has a girlfriend.
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
Bob: 2 is out of the game!
*CUPID DOES HIS THING*
Me: Guy number 3, you’re a weird guy. I am 24, our parents are friends but we barely know each other, so why did your parents ask my father for my hand in marriage?
3: I am confused… I am told this is how it is done when one wants to get married.
Me: In another century…
3: But, I already have an apartment, a car, and a steady job, why wouldn’t you want to get married to me?
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
3: But I brought cake!
BEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!!!!
*CUPID SMACKS 3 ON THE HEAD WITH THE BROOM*
Me: Number 6, I thought you were a friend...
6: Look, I am a nice guy. I believe in getting to know a person before letting them know that I like them. If I like a girl I will hang out with her, find out what she likes, and drop subtle hints that I like her.
Me: I don’t do subtle.
6: So I’ll send you a “secret admirer” letter and tell you it was a prank. I will offer to help you with something, and then complain to my friends about how you have friend-zoned me. I will hack into your e-mail, change your password to prove my smarts and my love for you.
Bob: What? He did that?
Me: Yep.
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
6: Wait, it’s not over. I’ll pretend to be a 12 year boy on the internet and ask your advice about how to talk to girls. The next day I’ll try everything you told me on you, but when you catch on, I will disappear. One year later at a reunion, I will finally openly confess my love to you in front of your friends…
BEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!
6: But I am a super nice guy! Girls only go for jerks!
*CUPID SMACKS 6 ON THE HEAD TWICE*
Me: Bob, can we go straight to Round 2?
Bob: Sure, but there are other decent guys on the stage with whom you have nice interactions. You don’t want to see if you’ll press the “keeper” button for them?
Me: The thing is I reconnected with number 5 on Facebook. I feel I should get to know him better. He appears to have everything I love in a man. He’s super smart, athletic, funny… He’s down to earth, and loves that I write, and it’s just so easy to talk to him.
Bob: But he lives miles away…
Me: You don’t understand, I’ve been sneaking around on his Facebook page. He has pics on a beach where I discovered he has scalable thighs, and a bombastic chest, both of which I would love to climb…
Bob: Folks at home, the thirst is so strong with this one, it appears we must go straight to…
Audience: ROUND 2 — LOVE FEELS!!!
*APPLAUSE*
*GENERIC GAMESHOW MUSIC INTRODUCING ROUND 2*
Bob: In this round is just you, and John who was Guy Number 5. John is a successful software engineer and used to be a professional volleyball player. You will ask him three questions. There are no buttons now, but you and John have been connected to a very advanced computer. Cindi, your heart rate, brain waves, and other physical or emotional reactions will be recorded and displayed on that big screen there. By the end of this round whatever we read on this screen must match John’s secret screen. We are hoping to read “In Love,” or something similar on both of your screens.
Ready? Three, Two, One… Go!
*AUDIENCE IS DEAD SILENT*
Me: Question 1. Do you believe long distance relationships can work out?
John: Not really, but you are worth making a big move.
CYNTHIA’S SCREEN READS: — — “DILATING VEINS LEAD TO BLUSHING” — -“SLIGHTLY HIGHER BODY TEMPERATURE”
Me: Question 2- Where would we go for a first date?
John: To a medieval castle where will share our first kiss while it rains outside.
CYNTHIA’S SCREEN READS: — — “ HIGHER LEVELS OF PHENYLETHYLAMINE”
Bob: Ooh, the love hormone!
Me: John, what do you like most about me?
John: A lot of things, but after spending time with you, what I like the most is that you show me there is goodness in the world. You’re so good that you make me have a different outlook on life. You don’t need to see my monitor, I love you. In two years I will tell you I want to spend the rest of my life with you…In three, you will make me dream about things like, having a daughter just like you…
CYNTHIA’S SCREEN READS: — — “SPONTANEOUS OVULATION” — — “HEART RATE 200 BPM” — — “PHENYLETHYLAMINE OVERFLOW” — — “CRAZY IN LOVE!”
DING! DING! DING! DING!
* CONFETTI AND BALLOONS FALL FROM THE CEILING*
Bob: Oh my God, OH MY GOD! We have a match!!! John and Cynthia love each other and for a moment I thought she was a magnet for weird jerks. Any last words, Cindi?
Me: I just want for the assholes in my life to look at John and see that you don’t have to be an asshole to get a girl…
Bob: Hmm, deep. And that’s all the time we have tonight. Our episode ended up being a classic love story with a happy ending. Hope you were entertained!
