My Top 6 OkCupid Profile Pet Peeves

1. No photo, not enough photos, irrelevant photos. The more the better. Everyone should have at least 6 or 7 photos. And they should have been taken within the last couple of years. There is no excuse. I’m sure you have a cell phone. Take a couple a selfies in front of a different background wearing a different outfit for one week (you change your clothes don’t you?), and there you go. And they should not be of you in a halloween costume. And they should not be of you wearing sunglasses to hide what a depraved soul you have. Photos are not just about attractiveness, they speak 1000 words about what kind of a person you are. People don’t typically go around dressed like metalheads, for example, if they completely hate metal.
2. No profile, too short of a profile. 80% of men probably have too short of a profile for me to even bother with. Knowing who you are and what you are looking for is attractive. Ability to express oneself intelligently is attractive. Err on the side of writing too much. Its not like someone is obligated to finish reading once they start. Some men seem to think a woman is just going to look at their photo and decide if they are interested or not. Not true. I won’t write to the hottest man in the world if he doesn’t have a profile filled out, unless he basically sends me everything that would be in a profile in a private message.
3. Boring and cliche answers. For example really boring answers to the question “6 Things I Could Never Do Without” include: coffee, family, air, shelter, food, water, fire…coffee I particularly hate since I don’t think drug addiction is something to be proud of. I don’t want to be with a human who is going to be dysfunctional and cranky without their cup o’ joe. I want someone healthy, vibrant, and full of life. Not writing much but saying “I’m an open book, ask me anything.” No one wants to ask you motherfucker. Do your fucking homework. Answering the question “What does your typical Friday night look like with “There is no typical Friday night”. Whatever, I bet you’re lying. Are you really that spontaneous and interesting? Either way you’re missing the point of the question which is to get to know something more about you. Putting “it’s private” or “that I’m on this site” under the most private thing I’m willing to admit section. Just say something interesting and slightly vulnerable. Is that really too much to ask? Again your literalism is missing the point. Putting message me if “you want to” in the final section.
4. Meyers-Briggs classifications. I’m a psychologist for christ-sakes and these still mean nothing to me. I’d rather you go to a website where it tells what the heck it means to be an INFP and copy and paste the lines you think apply to you. You might as well be saying you’re a Leo with a Scorpio rising and Moon in Taurus. It’s the same exact principle. You’re putting yourself in a lame box and expecting us to figure out what parts of that lame box you actually relate to.
5. Long lists of your favorite movies and bands, with the rest of the profile sparse. Really a half dozen of each is plenty to give us a taste of your tastes. No one is reading through 30 bands thinking, “ahh, finally! thank God he likes the Cure, I was just about to pass him up.”
6. Offensive messages. There are three basic types. The first is men who appear to be getting using some sort of PUA tactic to get my interest and write a short, mildly insulting first message. You are gross disgusting people who deserve to die in a pile of flaming shit. The second is from men who are offended by my profile because apparently something about my preferences threatens their manhood and they feel compelled to tell me what an bitch I am and how I’ll never find what I want. Why would you take the time out of your day to troll a perfectly decent stranger. Are you trying to do me a favor? Well guess what men, I get 50 enthusiastically positive messages from people who loved my profile for every one one of your negative messages so you’re wrong and clearly have issues with projection. I wish it were possible to flag men like this so they could never ever get a date ever again. The third type is your basic disgusting sexual harassment.

*This article is part of a creativity experiment I’m doing to write daily essays in under an hour. Please excuse any typos.*