Notes From the Other Side of the Bed
I slept on the other side of the bed last night
Laying claim to it seemed appropriate
As you would not be returning.
I stirred every couple of hours -
The stinging realization of losing you
Each time I rose to the surface of consciousness
An instant pang of anxiety
An emptiness in my belly
An ache in my heart.
.
In the morning when I awoke
The twinge in my side rudely reminded me of my aloneness
As I unwound from the fetal position I’d held all night.
My eyes, teary once more
Greeted me with a salty swollen silence.
Though something beckoned to me from beyond the emotion
Beyond the tide of sadness
Forbidding me to lose myself
Urging me to see through the sorrow
For out of it was to come an unfurling of vicissitude
A kaleidoscope of motion.
It was only in the memory of that which had passed
Did my heart feel weighted down
With a breath
The wild undulation of joy and sorrow that was
Softly rippled into a calm hush within
And I could see myself as one
With the glassy surface of a lake
With trees and clouds and birds reflected inward
The water seeping downward
Gently eroding
Smoothing out the prickly edges
Nature taking its course
Until it made its way to the core
Penetrating the shell
That had been waiting for nourishment
For eons it had patiently endured
Unstirred by the hands of time
Sure of what would eventually come.
.
Codes awaken
One cell at a time
They turn to the light
And blink with immaculate awareness
Wise in their innocence
Trusting that this time
The fullness of love would find it.
.
My body uncurls
Slowly and gently I stretch.
It’s a courageous move
To extend my arms away from my heart
To expose it to the blinding luminescence of day.
Legs unfold
Feet find their way to the floor
From the other side of the bed
Which seems so far away
- Like you always felt
Even as you lay there next to me -
I’d marvel at you; the indentation in your upper lip
The little grey hairs in your beard
Your dark eyelashes
Your profile
As you lay there
Motionless on your island
Like a corpse
And I would respect you in you sovereign stillness
Every last hair on your body
Even though I wanted to hold your hand
Rest my head on your shoulder.
Your beautiful skin, like silk
- You would say mine was like moonlight
And you were my sun -
Then finally you would turn and smile
And sometimes you would say you were glad to wake up next to me
But only sometimes
And sometimes it felt sweet
And sometimes it felt bitter,
Feeling your denial -
A veiled sadness you held beneath hour ribs
The stubborn anxiety you tried to conceal under your skin.
.
I sensed every last fragment
Feigning detachment
From the effect it had on me
But it seeped into the cracks
And lay there
Carving a chasm between us
And I would remain patient
Hopeful
Gracious
Compassionate
In constant adoration of your endearing heart
Content to have you near enough
But not as close as I desired
Not pushing
Not demanding more; time, sex, depth, surprise
Accommodating your practicality
Your sensibility
Your schedule
Your hesitation
And your realism which sometimes inspired and fascinated
And at times frustrated
Whilst I dreamed of romance and enchantment
And swimming deeper than your ocean would allow.
.
And often you would delight and amaze in your essence
I remember chocolate ice cream
And kisses on hills at sunset
Your sweet nakedness
Moments of innocent willingness to dissolve your fear
And just be.
There I found an openness allowing closeness
Pure and real
And I treasured you
As oftentimes I felt you treasured me.
I would ignite and delight in you
And your mention of the future…
Of us
I took it all to heart
And I thought you did too.
.
And now I take it all apart
And my life and my body is only mine once more.
Just like yours always only was
And the surrounding mood in my room and all around me
Is flat
And still
And dull
And quiet
The space behind my eyes with memories
And a twinge of longing
Recalling what I gave
And wanted
And waited for
The faith that you would come around
And take my hand
And tell me you were in;
Not in too deep or halfway in
But into me, us, together
As you were in our beginning
And I softened,
Opened after being closed for so long
Your sweetness and kindness
A welcome relief from the harsh neglect of times past.
.
But beginnings dissolve away
Vacillate
Open and close
Shift from light to dark
Fear and doubt preventing the truth of what could be
No way to see who we were without it
Leaving me alone, confused, resigned.
.
I hold my breath before the next wave
Anticipate my solitude once more
Of which I am most accustomed;
Strong, self-sufficient
An expert like I’ve always been
The moments that were filled with you
And my excitement of holding you near
Emptied
For me to consider anew.
.
And now it is night again.
I bow to our coming together
And our falling away
And to you
And all you were and wanted to be
Just for me
I beheld your efforts
Your care and tenderness
Your steadfastness
Your willingness to help and support
To soothe and heal
It was heartwarming and kind
Rare and new to me.
.
My tears flow as much for our joy
As they do for the pain of wanting more time
To deepen, learn and grow with you.
I am grateful for knowing your generous heart
Your brilliance
Your essence.
.
Good night, dear man, from my side of the bed.
