On the Loneliness of Being Single
People in relationships love to tell single women that love will come to them when they are happy with themselves and not actively looking for love. “It comes when you least expect it!” they say, with a knowing, loving glance at their significant other.
This is a common narrative, and while the logic makes some sense, I guess, if you’re thinking of the stereotypical trope of a desperate single woman who just wants to be married already. But to be honest, I don’t really know anyone who matches that description.
This advice also directly contrasts the other most common advice, “You just have to put yourself out there! Find some hobbies you enjoy, go to meetups, you’ll definitely meet someone.”
And my new all-time favorite line, “You can’t find love until you love yourself. Practice self-care and be your best self and love will find you.”
Ok, so which is it? Stop looking? Or find hobbies in the hopes that it will lead to finding The One? Or love yourself so hard that other people decide they want to love you too?
The truth is that there isn’t a magic formula. And the really hard truth is that you can practice all the self-love in the world, and still be drowning in almost crippling loneliness. Loving yourself and being happy about the direction that your life is heading don’t fill the space of longing for having love and support and physical human touch. These are separate desires. And being happy with where you are in life and doing things that excite you doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find love.
The amount of inspirational quotes out there that profess that all you need to do to bring happiness into your life is to love yourself is staggering. And yet sometimes we need people to show us how to love ourselves. We will always be our own worst critics, and to deny that is to deny an essential human experience. Making everything about self-love means that we are all destined to fail. It will always be our fault if we can’t find love, because we just don’t love ourselves enough.
And yet we’ve all had the experience of receiving a compliment that takes us completely by surprise. People tell me all the time that I come across as very confident, which is always a huge surprise to me because inside I am a roiling mess of insecurities. But hearing that has allowed me to embody this aspect of my personality and in turn, become more confident.
Loneliness also means being physically alone much of the time. Yes, alone time can be wonderful and very restorative, especially if you live in a big city. But there are so many small moments that can only be filled by a partner. And it only gets worse as we get older and everyone’s lives begin to diverge. Having someone around for the lates nights and the early mornings, for spontaneous weekends away, and date nights when you have a surprise night free, those are the moments the loneliness really begins to creep in.
It also gets exhausting having no one but yourself to rely on for practical life things. Such as going to the grocery store, cooking, cleaning, moving, setting up furniture, etc. Having a partner to split the load with, just having someone there so that you don’t have to do everything all the time, is such a luxury.
The loneliness has only gotten worse as I get older and friends begin to settle down, get married, start having children and focus more and more inward. Gone are the days of the massive group hangs and the need to be together all the time. Friend groups crumble and disappear as each individual begins to craft their own life. And the single people, well they mostly get left behind and forgotten. No, I don’t think it’s my friends’ responsibility to worry about me all the time or to make sure I’m happy, but it’s painful to see everyone’s lives progressing and feel trapped in the past.
No matter how social I am or how many dates I go on, nothing compares to having someone that thinks about you when no one else does. I want to be enough for myself. I want to be perfectly content being on my own, but love gives meaning to life. And I think denying these feelings of loneliness isn’t doing anyone any good.
