“Valentine’s Day” Is A Horrible Movie
The best gift you can give your partner this weekend is to watch something else (P.S. I Love Movies)
Valentine’s Day — what a curious day. A holiday on the cusp of legitimacy, it ironically stands alone. In a higher weight class than Arbor Day or President’s Day, just barely above St. Patrick’s Day, but nowhere close to hopping in the ring with Halloween or Christmas. It is a day dreaded by few, adored by some, ignored by most—but noticed by all. No matter your opinion, there is one thing that everyone can do to improve their February 14th: not watch the 2010 romantic “comedy” Valentine’s Day.
The boundaries of the romantic comedy genre can inspire creative genius. Most rom-coms answer two questions: how did someone meet someone else, and how did they fall in love? Great film is rooted in simple stories well told. Love stories are at their core are simple stories and demand to be told creatively. “We met on Hinge” is a simple story but it isn’t well told. “We ordered each other online” is that same story but much more captivating.
Still, creativity must be kept in check. When it’s not, you end up with the Super Smash Bros character-select-screen-inspired disaster that is Valentine’s Day.
Directed by Garry Marshall and written by Katherine Fugate, this Love, Actually wannabe is even worse than Love, Actually. (I am not a fan of Love, Actually.) With the same inability to commit as your ex, this movie meanders throughout Los Angeles on Valentine’s Day from sunrise to well past sunset, following over a dozen actors and actresses — oops, I mean characters.
Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Patrick Dempsey, Taylor Swift, Queen Latifah, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, George Lopez, Eric Dane, Héctor Elizondo, Topher Grace, Taylor Lautner, Carter Jenkins, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, and Bryce Robinson all show up for a single — maybe two — day’s work in this confusing spider web spun from unearned character arcs, void of any gravity.
The sunrises over Downtown Los Angeles. Everywhere you look looks like the seasonal aisle in CVS. As a local, I can tell you, there is nowhere in any part of this city that takes Valentine’s Day decorations this seriously. A faceless radio DJ — a la American Graffiti — reminds everyone watching the movie titled Valentine’s Day that it is Valentine’s Day. He is a narrator who plays no part in the story at all and whom we hear only once more in the minute before credits roll.
This wonderfully foreshadows what to expect over the rest of the film’s two hour runtime — underdeveloped characters we don’t spend enough time with to care about. Characters that I will refer only to by their performers’ names because I honestly couldn’t tell you a single character’s name off the top of my head.
Ashton Kutcher, a florist, proposes to his live in girlfriend Jessica Alba. Ashton’s best friend and co-worker, George Lopez, is surprised to hear Jessica said yes, as is Ashton’s other best friend, Jennifer Garner, a teacher. We are then introduced to Jamie Foxx, a local sports journalist, who has been tasked by his boss, Kathy Bates, to do a piece about love. Patrick Dempsey, an obvious cheater, wakes up with a clueless Jennifer Garner before heading home to his loving wife. Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway awkwardly cuddle in bed before Hathaway rushes out of Topher’s apartment to have phone sex with a stranger. Bryce Robinson, a love sick little boy who misses his mom, sits with his grandparents, Shirley MacLaine and Héctor Elizondo. Taylor Swift, in her acting debut, reinforces the stereotype that she is insane by acting like the prequel to Fatal Attraction with her boyfriend, the werewolf from Twilight, Taylor Lautner. Julia Roberts, an army captain returning from service, chats with Bradley Cooper, a stranger on the airplane. Then at some point or another we meet the rest of the cast of characters that all somehow share six degrees of separation with one another but I promise you that it does not matter.
With so many characters in so many locations you would think the city of Los Angeles would feel more like a character itself, however the city just barely feels present. Sure, we are given establishing shots that will show a landmark here or there but this movie is not fueled by the energy of LA. In fact, there isn’t much fueling anything here. Character arcs are unearned and climaxes are rushed. Watching this movie feels invasive, like watching a couple argue on the street corner. We’re confused, not invested. Embarrassed at their trials and tribulations, not empathetic. It is filled with “running through the airport security line” type moments that are void of emotion. Each of these scenes borders on parody, which is telling because they very much were not intended to.
The real shame here is there are at least three good movies crammed inside this bloated mess. Garry Marshall has proven himself in the rom-com genre time and time again (Overboard, Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride). That makes it hard not to see Valentine’s Day as a shameless cash grab. Which is fitting since the holiday itself somewhat stinks of the same scent.
The most impressive aspect is that so many fantastic talents were tricked into being a part of this. I can’t imagine why any of these A-listers would sign on to a project that involved them so little. Julia Roberts reportedly made $3 million for being in Valentine’s Day and she’s on screen maybe 10 minutes. Maybe. And she sits in an airplane seat for 9 of those.
Look, I don’t have much of opinion on Valentine’s Day as a holiday, but I will say there is no one more annoying than the “I hate Valentine’s Day” die -hards. So, I won’t be that guy — about the holiday. Misery may love company but so does love. Let lovers have their day. No one likes a V-Day Scrooge.
However, when it comes to the italicized Valentine’s Day, I do have an opinion. Stay away. Avoid like you avoid your ex that can’t take a hint.
This film will not inspire you. It will not set the mood. It won’t even make you laugh. This movie is bad.
Plus shouldn’t you be gazing into the eyes of your soulmate all day anyway? To quote a forgettable character from the movie itself: “I don’t really have anything else to say.”
Giving this heartbreaker a 1 out of 5.
