Pain Spreads Like Wheat

The feeling does not
simply go away
The feeling grows
inside your heart
like wheat,
on an endless field
it doesn’t need water
it will just spread
all over the last bits,
that were left unbroken.

the feeling stays
when those little boys
touched parts of you,
at the age of eleven
and you wonder why,
their parents didn’t teach them
not to touch these parts,
your parents told you were sacred.

when the boy you loved
threatened to leave
if you do not make love to him
because he needed sex,
to be assured you loved him.

when the same boy,
left you begging for him not to leave,
when you actually did sleep with him
and you knew
all he wanted
was the last piece of your vulnerability,
and not you.

when the boy you thought,
was your friend
locked you inside his car
to touch you
and left you in the desert,
when you fought against it.

when the boy you trusted
one day needed something more,
something rough,
something more powerful,
than passionate sex
and forced you into it
with no consent
and you let him,
out of fear
he wouldn’t let you go after,
he finished.

when the boy you loved
made you leave everything,
for him,
and felt the need to sleep with her,
your best friend,
to feel power over you
and blamed you for not being,
good enough.

when all the boys you cared for
lied to you
said all the right words
promised all the things
you wished someone would
while all they wanted,
is a taste of you
because you were dripping,
with hope
dripping with love
and they needed it to live another day,
but none of them meant to stay.

and now, still
they complain
they make you feel,
you are too distant
you are too strong
you do not trust,
they don’t know
how broken you must be
to live the way,
those boys taught you how to live.