Please, not the C word
Oh, you two had great “chemistry”? Do go on
Have you ever experienced instant connection with someone, be it your current partner, an ex or even that lady at your yoga class?
Of course you have!
And have you ever attributed said connection to the presence of the elusive “chemistry”, without seeking to understand the delicious simpatico you experience/d?
I hear the dreaded C word all the time and in all honesty, I’d be happy never to hear it again. Like, ever.
Certain things, for example why sometimes my favorite grapes taste a bit fishy, are almost beyond explanation. These things I happily throw into the Things I’ll Never Understand pile.
Romantic chemistry isn’t one of The Things. It isn’t some weird, mysterious process. You can often predict it, and with alarming accuracy.
So what’s the big deal?
Aside from being foolish, it is dangerous to place others on a pedestal because of poorly understood romantic chemistry. Your chemistry may be of the variety (see below) that will lead to a nuclear scale explosion.
In the interests of bringing some precision to a subject that has become far too wishy washy, here are six rational reasons why you feel an instant connection with some people and not others.
In other words, here is your romantic chemistry possibly explained.
(1) You two are similar somehow
This has to be the biggest reason you feel a spark with some people and not others. You’re similar to them!
Research shows that we are a lot more likely to feel an instant connection to those who are similar to us.
Upon first meeting a person, if we perceive at least some similarity, we may feel more at ease disclosing information about ourselves, because we believe the other person will understand us. In other words, we are more open with them.
And what does openness, plus familiarity create? That’s right…clickety click click click.
Interesting fact: research even indicates that we are attracted to people with similar DNA. Thus, we are attracted to people with similar facial features, personality traits, and language styles.
We seek people who are similar to ourselves because on a level, we understand that long-term compatibility is more likely with someone who shares the same traits.
(2) You have complimentary personality types, or you are a person that experiences chemistry more often
Okay, so what if you two aren’t especially physically alike, and come from totally opposite backgrounds, BUT STILL you vibe like crazy?
You could have complimentary personalities. This works especially well if you are one of the rarer personality types.
I’m an N on the Myers Briggs system (ENFJ and an Enneagram 7 FYI). All the friendships that I have enjoyed over a long period are with other Ns. I do know some Ss, but they are family members and not those who I have actively sought a friendship with. I’m not gonna lie, I just prefer Ns (unless they’re ESFJs. I make an exception for them.)
When you learn about personality psychology, you really see how predictable chemistry, including romantic chemistry, is. Our personality constructs, for want of a better word, just “slot” well with certain other types.
It’s true that friendship chemistry is a little different to romantic chemistry. Another snippet of interest: research has shown that we are more likely to experience friendship chemistry if our personalities are Open (e.g., adventurous, imaginative, and emotionally in-tune), Conscientious (e.g., competent, disciplined, hard-working), and Agreeable (e.g., friendly, cooperative, and considerate). (These terms are from the Big Five Personality Model).
Openness and Conscientiousness were key determinants of romantic chemistry as well, but Agreeableness was less important.
So be rude to your date! They may like you more for it…
(3) There is a high physical attraction
This is the most obvious reason for your romantic chemistry. Perhaps you’ve already considered it.
Physical attraction can seem mysterious in the way that you can seem to be attracted to both blondes and brunettes (crazy hey?), or those with completely different facial features. Visual cues matter hugely, but in effect, as there are so many different types of beauty, and so many arrangements of it, this isn’t as significant as we think it is.
The presence of attraction is a complex cocktail affected by looks, smells, voice pitch and even your environment. It’s crazy to think those things all have such an impact, but they do. I think we’ve all experienced that alcohol can, if not cause then, uhem, enable romantic chemistry.
Another snippet: an element of unpredictability is what keeps us attracted initially. We are attracted to people who might like us, as opposed to having certainty on that.
When receiving clear signals of interest from another person, we are momentarily pleased but adapt quickly, and the case is closed.
But when interest is unpredictable, this leads us to seek out an explanation, causing us to think of little else. Eventually we interpret this arousal and stimulation as a sign of liking the other person.
This is why “playing hard to get” in the initial stages of a relationship actually holds some truth. Just don’t take things to extreme okay?
(4) They remind you of someone for whom you have positive associations
Now we are wavering into deeper and more complex territory, that not everyone has an appetite for. But I do, so here goes:
A lot of what we identify as chemistry is positive transference.
Transference happens when you attribute qualities of those you experienced a deep connection with in the past to someone in your present.
Humans are so crazy, we do this all the time.
(5) They remind you of someone with whom you have unfinished business
On the less healthy side of things, sometimes we are drawn to someone who reminds us of someone who hurt us in the past, and with whom we are still trying to secure love/validation or approval.
In addition, much chemistry and passion can be conjured from a codependency, or two people that combine an anxious with an avoidant attachment style.
(6) You’re sexy and they know it
Think about it. We are a lot more inclined to look favorably on those who seem interested in us. Unless we have appalling self-esteem, we like those who like us, and reinforce what we think about ourselves — that we are decent, attractive people.
Therefore, you are more like to experience romantic chemistry with people who seem into you.
That’s the last reason. I’m sure there are others I haven’t thought of (let me know).
