Polygyny: Why it makes sense to me
“What’s your take on the second wife concept?”
I was asked this question a decade ago and my answer then was, “Islam allows it obviously within reason, but I don’t think that many men are equipped for it. I don’t think it is something I could do ever.”
I paraphrase because I can’t remember the exact words, but I do remember the conversation. I talked about emotional maturity and financial ability.
Admittedly at the time, I could never see myself in the role of wife. I do know that back then, I said that for a guy to hold my interest, there would need to be compatibility at an intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical level.
I understand that it can’t all be the duty of the significant other to fulfill these needs, I didn’t ask for that. I said compatibility. A construct that very few people seem to have understood.
But I also made that now infamous statement of never being able to deal with a polygamous relationship based on the ideas of marriage from a traditional perspective. The husband, the 2.2 kids and the white picket fence. I didn’t know that at the time.
Ten years later I can say, with conviction, that I still maintain I need compatibility in all of the four areas. A man who understands this is open to discussing everything and not hiding from the tough discussions.
Marriage in Islam is important for multiple reasons including avoiding sin, keeping people healthier physically, mentally and emotionally (loneliness kills people!) and is an important act of worship. Again not an expert on the topic and I need to do more studying on the topic but the faith also encourages the compatibility aspect.
Marriage is supposed to be about companionship and finding peace with someone else. Someone who is the calm in the storm: [Quran: Ar-Rum:30:21) And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.]
I am not naïve; every marriage has its own storms too, but one that offers the friendship, love and action together as a team can weather anything.
I now see myself in a role where the co-wife role makes sense. I believe that if I were to marry, then God- willing I would marry a man who, if financially able, I would have no issues being a co-wife. I imagine that his emotional and mental maturity would allow him to do so, or I would not be involved with him in the first place. At least that is what I pray for.
When someone falls in love, should it not be with someone that they can very literally see eternity with?
So why would I support polygamy (or polygyny as allowed in Islam is when a man is allowed to take up to four wives at once) you may be asking.
Simple, I know myself and I have been asked to take on the role on more than one occasion. A father asked me to take on the role of the co-wife of his son. He showed me pictures of his son’s kids and wife, giving me their history. He ‘found’ the first wife too. A lovely, homely girl who takes care of all things domestic. I would be the balancing factor, I guess. A woman who works, thrives on knowledge and who’s alleged skills lay at the intellectual level. He is still convinced I will be the co-wife.
Another was a jackass, who saw it as a legit means of messing around on his wife. A short-term marriage of convenience. I know this boy since school, so he should have known better. There were other discussions, debates, family and friends who got involved in polygynous marriages, so it seems it was inevitable I would do research.
I did my research from every type of source- endless sessions with a therapist, Islamic literature, articles from various publications, talks by sociologists, families who practice polygyny and so much more. I even chatted to family and friends about it. I am grateful that they are open-minded and shared their pros and cons lists so openly. It is a shock of a topic in the initial stages, but I am surprised how many people can see its value — even if not for them personally.
I am an independent woman, I am something of an introvert who gets exhausted with people around me all the time. I need space and the thought of someone around all the time does not make me comfortable at all.
I read about a woman who asked her husband to give her, her own house and their marriage appeared to be a happy one. It was a problem for everyone else off course.
I am also a person who can’t see myself sitting at home every day doing the traditional woman’s role. I know my weaknesses, strengths, my needs, my desires and wants. I am not exactly a mother-in-laws dream, I am not interested in hosting endless gatherings, or attending them either. I am opinionated and am more likely to engage in a discussion about politics or social constructs than sharing recipes endlessly, share in endless gossip about each other’s kids and discuss fashion trends and makeup techniques- I am no fashionista!
I know and understand the value of family relationships but there has to be healthy boundaries. Do you know how many people get that?! I also understand the challenges in meeting someone compatible, yet decent and honourable. I understand that sometimes we find connections with someone we least expect. What do you do then?
I can see how from an emotional standpoint as well as physically and mentally having another woman in the picture could benefit me as well as the husband and her as the co-wife. In the right circumstances and with the right person, it would enhance the relationship and provide opportunities for healthier and stronger relationships God willing. This obviously would take work. It takes a strong will and sense of self. It would also take strong communication skills and may even require the assistance of counselor at times.
I met some people who are practising the concept of a polygynous marriages or have practised in the past with varied success. The ones who are successful have developed relationships of respect amongst all parties, with privacy and equality being key. In an instance, the co-wives are like sisters, with the first taking care of and bringing the kids up of the second while she was at work. The marriages work because there is an understanding of boundaries. There is an understanding that each woman is special and in no way a deficient in any way. They are extraordinary women in their own right.
The husband- wife relationships also benefited due to the focus on more quality time when together. Again, this took conscious effort and learning over the years, they said.
The ones that failed are because of the lack of honesty, because of jealousy when it comes to matters of money. The common complaint being ‘how dare she (the second wife) come in, she married him for money, she wants our in heritance.’
Or what will they say? What will they think?! We won’t look like a perfect family anymore. What is wrong with me/ her?
There is no perfect family. People will always say/ think nasty things even if they need to make them up. And there is nothing wrong with either woman.
I also found that in cultures and communities where this is an accepted practice, the family dynamics are stronger, the sense of community is strengthened, and bonds are formed that the rest of us take for granted. Naturally, in communities where this is not the case, some people practicing Polygyny have done so secretly i.e with only the relevant family members in the know, to prevent judgement. I am not sure how that would work if the ‘secret’ bride were to fall pregnant but that just shows how judgmental we have become.
I understand that we as women are possessive and jealous (men are too, I know) and it may seem that men are getting an easy ride here. So, I looked at what Islam said, and what history reflects.
The concept of the modern day monogamous marriage came into being thanks to the Greeks and Romans. Prior to that polygamy was practiced by every culture, every tribe and community in all parts of the world. Let’s be honest, it has been practiced daily even since then, even by the many who live and die by those monogamous marriage rules. The difference is, now it’s just not in marriage and little emotional, financial and mental safety is offered to those outside of an openly committed relationship.
Islam gave it rules and boundaries. In the Quran in the Chapter entitled the women (An Nisa: 4:3) God/ Allah says: then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].
He also says that when it comes to the emotion men can never be just. Simply saying that love will never be equal, but it must not be shown as such.
At the risk of sounding cheesy, I find that beautifully honest as much as I find beauty in the passage earlier on about finding tranquility with your other.
Islam gives men to protect their community and provide for them. That is not saying that women are unable to do so themselves, but we are not as strong physically, we are created for nurturing and caring. As much as we can get into the feminist debate, that is an absolute fact if we choose not to be mothers. There is wisdom in everything after all.
There is also a time that has come or will come when men will be significantly outnumbered by women 50 to 1 is what I learnt from Islamic studies. Boys apparently die earlier as infants, more men go to wars (there are plenty of those), more men are in prison than women and I am sure that there are a few other points that should be considered.
Just talking to women around me and looking at all the research, it is clear that there is reduction of men that are:
1) Compatible
2) Mentally and emotionally mature and ready for a real partnership. Just because some are married doesn’t make this false.
3) Not abusive, or don’t have some dangerous addictions
4) Heterosexual
So, are women supposed to be deprived of companionship, having their needs and faith being fulfilled? Yes, we can do things on our own but let us be honest, everyone wants someone. Do they not deserve to give their kids a father that is worthy as a role model? I think not.
I realise it is complicated and takes a lot of sacrifice, compromise and understanding and not everyone will be open to it. It is their prerogative.
But it’s not the responsibility for the wives to ‘get over it’ and make it work. The pressure is on the husband. He needs to step up. He needs to ensure that he is not shaming one and praising the other. He needs to be just to each and every child and each of the wives. Islam expects it. Failure to do so means he has a lot of explaining to do to the man upstairs. The Islamic approach gives all wives honour, rights and neither one is more important than the other.
It takes character and clear understanding of why a man wants to marry a second, third or fourth wife. Some have genuinely amazing intentions of taking care orphans and widows, some have needs that one wife is suited for (again, this is not a deficiency with her and often has nothing to do with her at all), some have more love in their hearts and souls that they know what to do with. Some do it for family. Irrespective, we cannot assume to know their intentions any more than we can assume to know the intentions of anyone else for any other purpose.
I even found Mufti Menk talk about this topic which was rare! Even he pointed out that a man has to be capable and some men just aren’t. But he points out that we are moving in the direction where this will become more significant and common form of marriage.
Could it be possible that polygyny may be the answer to social challenges, health and wellness as well?
There are multiple discussions on why women doing their rounds on social media deciding who gets to make what choice, what men should be doing and who should have a say. One of the complaints is that men do not fulfill the duties of the one wife, how can he take another? That is a very reasonable question! There are some other reasonable issues such as financial constraints.
Jealousy is often the other common issue arising and the question of how or why would I as a woman want to ‘share my man’ with another?
There are definitely those that exploit the multiple wives situation for their own agenda. There are those that use it for using and abusing women and discarding them as if they were dirt. There are those that marry and create competition between the families. The psychological damage can be detrimental. These are the men that should not be involved with anyone at all.
I also see so many platforms that slam women in particular for supporting this ideology.
The idea of women coming in to try and steal the other’s husbands and wrecking homes is common. The slamming of women who accept the role of a co-wife being bullied through social media is terrifying and unnecessarily nasty. Sometimes, people forget that they don’t know the circumstances that lead to this marriage, they don’t know what happens behind closed doors and they don’t know if these families are better or worse off.
I firmly believe that it is not for everyone, it is not something everyone can support for themselves, but they should let each person make their own choice and live by their own belief system. We forget the nasty comments affect the kids involved too. They deserve better and quite frankly if God created allowances for it, then who are we to judge it.
It is for the this reason I chose the instagram post from Umm Zakiyyah. It is profound to me. How easy it is to see and decide a negative association from the outside, while the inside may be more beautiful then we ever imagined.
People need to seek their information from legit sources, they need to do some deep diving internally, speak to psychologists and sociologists and they need to see why they have their own strong reaction it’s always a strong reaction) to the topic.
It took me a long time to realise that this is who I am, that such a marriage would actually work for me rather than against me. It took a lot of self-reflection, self-assessment, as well as fact gathering and knowledge seeking to come to that conclusion.
I am by no means an expert, nor am I saint, but all of this just facilitated in my realisation that maybe, just maybe I was meant to learn more because this could be my path, maybe it was to learn humility. Irrespective, I am glad I learnt its value, I got to grow.
Disclaimer: I am not a religious scholar, historian or sociologist. I speak for no one and against no one, I speak from the areas of Islam that I am aware off. I am not going to debate the “why men get to do what they want but women can’t question”- God has is reasons.
