Tinder date etiquette
Since getting out of a serious relationship six months ago, I have, like many newly single people, attempted to traverse the complex terrain that is Tinder dating. My experience has not been great. Swiping right is easy. Getting a match is easy. Getting a date is easy. What is less simple, though, is what happens during and, especially, after the date. It seems we’re all pretty bad at that. I would like to suggest some etiquette in this regard, to make Tinder just a little less shitty for all of us.
Disclaimer: These suggestions are not applicable to the Tinder date comprised of one drink, where there is no chemistry, and you both just can’t wait for it to be over. For those dates you can fully never text the person again and unmatch them, no questions asked. These suggestions are for the date that goes magically, where there is instant chemistry from the very first moment you lay eyes on each other, where your bladder almost explodes because at no point during the conversation can you stand the thought of having to excuse yourself for two minutes to go to the bathroom, where you get ample opportunities to end the date, but neither of you do, resulting in you spending eight glorious hours with a stranger who you feel you have a real connection with. If you then, for whatever reason, never want to see this person again, here are some suggestions about how to navigate the treacherous waters ahead of you.
Be honest about what you want.
Do not say you’re looking for a meaningful relationship in your bio if you’re not. If you say that in your bio, I will think you are looking for a meaningful relationship, funnily enough. If you change your mind about that, you should update your bio. It is super easy to do. Seriously, you can edit your bio in real time. It is fully possible to have your bio reflect exactly what you want at any moment in time. Thus the assumption that if your bio says so, I’m going to believe it. If by chance you change your mind in the four days between when we match and when we go on a date, you should tell me on the date that your mind has changed.
Don’t ask me to define the boundaries of our relationship when I just had sex with you.
I am vulnerable after we sleep together. There are three main reasons for this, as far as I can tell.
1. I’ve told you personal things about myself. I rarely do that, and it’s scary.
2. I have conveyed that I have assessed you positively by sleeping with you. Conveying such information is also scary.
3. I am naked.
When I am in this vulnerable position, don’t ask me what we “are”. And please, for the love of god, do NOT follow that question with, “Are we fuck buddies?” Besides not wanting to think about any of that in the beautiful but uncertain post-coital moment, no one wants to hear the term “fuck buddies”. Okay? That is not a nice pair of words to hear strung together when you’re naked in bed with someone.
If you’re going to kick me out of your house at an ungodly hour, please tell me of your intention to do so first.
Look, if you don’t want me to stay over, just say so. Beforehand. Simply say, “I really want to have sex with you, and this is awkward, but I would like for you to leave afterwards.” Sound too harsh? Well, it is harsh. And I would like to be aware of such harsh upcoming treatment before I decide whether I want to have sex with you, thank you very much. Yes, of course this kind of honesty will significantly decrease your chances of getting laid. But it will also make you a halfway decent person.
Text me the next day to say thank you.
But don’t use the thank-you as another opportunity to elicit the boundaries of our relationship from me. I know it’s been six whole hours since we had sex, but I still don’t have an answer for you. And I’m still basking in the great night we had (minus being kicked out of your house in the early hours of the morning). I don’t know what the night meant. Maybe it did not mean anything. It was fun and I would like to see you again. That is the only information you can elicit from me at this point. Your questions about what the night meant make me anxious and honestly, they’re messing with my efforts to not want to analyse everything and to just take things easy in the beginning, as per my therapist’s repeated insistence. And, much worse than that, they’re creating the impression that you actually care about whether you ever see me again, and that is something you should only do if you do, in fact, care about ever seeing me again.
Reply to my texts in a timely fashion.
If I text you two days later telling you I’m glad I met you, and that I would like to see you again, please respond to that ASAP. (I’m talking hours, folks, not days, and NOT weeks). No, this is not the request of a needy person. This is the request of a person who is extremely vulnerable in the days and weeks following the very scary event of expressing romantic interest in someone, with no guarantee that the person feels the same. Literally the worst thing you can do is leave someone in this state wondering about your feelings. I know there are a lot of shitty feelings in the range of human experience, I am aware of this, but I will go ahead and venture a guess that this is one of the worst ones out there. It fucking sucks, okay? It sucks to put yourself out there. Yes, it is a necessary part of cultivating authentic relationships. But you can really help with this by just not leaving someone hanging. It’s really simple. Nothing, NOTHING sucks more than wondering. I PROMISE you. I PROMISE you that being rejected is not as bad as wondering.
Match my level of honesty.
I was honest with you about my feelings, which is the scariest thing you can be honest about. Paying me the same courtesy by being honest about yours is kind of expected. Yes, it sucks to reject someone. It is not easy. But so is telling you I want to see you again. Saying “no thanks” is really not that scary. In case some of you might take this literally, let me be clear. I do not literally mean reply “no thanks” to a confession of romantic feelings. Here are some options, just to make things even easier (not that they’re necessary, because it really is not that hard):
1. Hi 😃 Thanks for this. I like how honest and straightforward you are! Unfortunately, I don’t share your feelings. The connection just wasn’t there in the same way for me. Thanks for a great time though. All the best!
2. Wow, what a nice message to get on a Sunday morning! Unfortunately, I don’t feel quite the same. I had a great time with you, but I don’t see this going any further. Thanks for your honesty, though. All the best.
(I’m even going to allow for a third option here, in case you did not heed the first suggestion, and you have in fact changed your mind about what you wanted out of the encounter, and neglected to mention this to me either prior to, during, or in the 48 hours following our date.)
3. Thank you for being honest. I will reciprocate your honesty by telling you honestly that I actually did not want more than a one night stand. Sorry I wasn’t clear about this earlier. All the best.
(As you can see, saying “All the best” is of paramount importance in rejection messages.)
Notice how none of these options mentions work, or friends, or an upcoming overseas trip, or your desire to be alone. This is because any such excuse is bullshit. Let’s be honest, people. If you really like someone you’re not going to let any such things stand in the way of you seeing them again. In my experience, no career commitments, travel schedules, personal development goals, or heck, even existing girlfriends can really stop you dating someone, if you’re really into them. You know this, I know this, and you know that I know this. To pretend otherwise is seriously offensive to my intelligence and just outright disrespectful.
Even if you’re not sure what you feel.
Uncertain about your feelings? That’s totally understandable. The good news is you can be honest about that, too. Again, I provide an example as per illustration:
4. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings with me. You are doing much better than me, though. I am much less certain of what I want at the moment. Pleases give me some time to give your message the consideration it deserves.
Sure, you still cause a lot of uncertainty with this response. But now at least I know how you feel — even if you feel uncertain about your feelings. And now I can consider whether I want to wait around for someone who wasn’t instantly smitten with me.
Of course, it goes without saying that after the latter text it is expected of you to send a nicely worded text of how you really feel. In a timely fashion. Once again, timely means days, not weeks. If it takes you weeks to figure out your feelings for me, let me know. Just don’t leave me hanging.
Let me know if you plan on deleting your Tinder account.
Do you know what happens to your existing chats when you delete your Tinder account? You simply disappear from their inbox. No biggie, right? Well, it wouldn’t be if the only other way of vanishing from someone’s inbox was not by unmatching them. Unfortunately, this is how Tinder works. If you have neglected to respond to my text re: that I would like to see you again, and the next “interaction” I have with you is your absence from my Tinder inbox, I am reasonably going to conclude that you unmatched me. This will make me feel hurt, humiliated and confused. The appropriate way to handle this one would be to simply send one of the four options provided above, followed by a sentence on how I’m not going to see you in my inbox anymore, on account of you planning on deleting your Tinder account.
You can be a dick if you want.
If you haven’t picked up the only real etiquette in Tinder dating (or any dating really) at this point, let me spell it out for you now: JUST BE HONEST. I know it’s hard. I know it’s tempting to just get what you want out of Tinder (be it company for a night, sex, affirmation, a confidence boost, whatever) and to let that be the end of it. Of course nothing is stopping you from doing that. Like with all types of etiquette, it is just there for people who don’t want to be a dick. If that’s what you want to be, that’s also totally fine. Just don’t be dishonest about what you want, neglect to text me back, hide your true feelings about me, and then keep living your best life as if you’re a good person. You are not a good person. You are a dick. That is okay. (I mean, it’s not, but whatever.) You do you. Just please be honest with me about what “you” entails, so that I can make my own decisions accordingly. Okay? Thanks.
