I woke in the small dark hours. Because it’s winter, I snuggled up behind my husband to get warm. Like a feather blanket, a feeling of contentedness fell over me. There was an indescribable sense of ease and comfort. Not used to being in the now, I’m more used to jumping up to do the next thing on some silly mind listicle I’ve invented for myself.
Usually, I’d get a drink of water, struggling to decide whether or not to check the time, or calculate how long it was before I needed to get up for work.
For the first time since before we were married, I felt everything in the world was as it should be. Before, when we’d just become engaged, it was wishful thinking. Hoping the relationship would go in the right direction; that we were both meant to stay with the other for life and not be divorced.
The warmth that emanated from his skin also warmed me inside. The sensation confirmed that everything was right. We have been right for each other for 29 years of marriage. We will still be alright together for the next 29; until 2048, if we make it. There was this knowing that being in bed beside my husband was the perfect place in that moment in time.
We are each others destiny.
I listened to my husband breathe in and out. Noticing the rise and fall of our chests as I synchronised my breathing with his.
A symphony of breath
life and breathing
breathing in life
being present
in the only time-
the only live-life moment
there is
The total relaxation was something I’m not sure I’ve felt since I nursed my babies at the breast. Back then I’d stay sitting in the arm chair, knowing that being there was the most important thing in my world. Noticing the weight of the small body in a blanket. Lingering as the babe snuffled, sighed, suckled and eventually slept on my lap.
My husband reached over and patted my thigh the other night. A second later he slipped back into his familiar sleeping breaths. The gentle rub was something he’s done since we started going out. I don’t know how many hundreds of times someone has to perform an action before they can complete it unconsciously, but it must be tens of thousands. You have to be wholly at home with that other person.
Implicitly trusting, two as one.
I wasn’t just awake, I was super aware, understanding and appreciating everything. There was no anxiety about not going back to sleep, or being too hyped. Fully accepting of where and when and who I was and we were as a couple, I didn’t fight off the emotions but fell into them more deeply. My mind didn’t meander, but I remembered a phrase a Twitter friend put up.
‘I awoke, only to find that the rest of the world is still asleep.’ Leonardo Da Vinci
Dwelling in that relaxed in-between plane of consciousness I experienced a heightened type of clarity I can’t remember having much before.
The universe aligned.
I’m where I was meant to be.
With who I was meant to be with.
Everything is exactly as it should be.
In the place and time I was destined for.
Staying still, I noticed the diminutive sounds of our home breathing too. In the quiet moments of our collective breaths I had no regrets at all.
Smiling in the dark, I found an all-encompassing elation.
