Redefining Relationships
Stranger. Friend. Best-friend. Lover. Stranger?
Aren’t relationships just a breeze! Said no one, ever. Let’s face it, we are complex creatures and when we mesh together with another complex creature we can produce a rainbow of colourful and chaotic results. Coming to the point of untangling that coupledom is no easy process and the final snap, well it always tends to leave a mark. Our life can literally feel like the raw skin left behind after the savage ripping off of a plaster — we all know the sensation.
What though, after the storm of splitting has settled? In the midst of relationships, we bond, we mate and sometimes we even create (other little humans) and so as we part ways, what of those details? Big or small, the things we do together all emanate with energy and a psychological and sometimes physical outcome (kids, home… things). Dividing our time and our things to cater for the remanence of a relationship is the worst kind of maths in the world… Who gets what and when? It’s often painful and always tricky.
The thing with us humans is that we tend to place a huge amount of importance on our relationships; we attempt to mate for life and we never forget the people we’ve loved, no matter how it ‘so happened’. The trouble is, a large amount of relationships don’t span the forever timeline and between the initial whirlwind of highly charged emotion and the dawning of reality; sharing your life with another person is really bloody hard. The thing is, when love fades and relationships break down, we have choices, we can choose how to react and even go on to create friendships from the most turbulent and acrimonious of separations. It’s not easy, but it’s so worthwhile and if there are children in the midst of a break up, then it’s all the more important to choose a co-parenting arrangement that breeds respect and fairness; no child deserves to be stuck in between two warring adults.
Relationships come to an end for all sorts of reasons and some of those reasons can be mightily hurtful; infidelity is a major player in regard to causes of break up and no doubt, finding a friendship borne from such a situation is sometimes impossible. If you don’t have children then there’s no real need to be friends with a cheater, but if you do have kids… Well, it’s a hard slog, but it’s doable and worthwhile; to create something that protects your children from the fall out of a split. Forgiveness is one of the hardest but most rewarding things and if it means peace for your family, then it’s the way to move forward.
Finding some common ground makes for a good start when approaching a new perspective on relationships. Where there was once love, there are memories and those count for something when you try to ascertain a friendship after splitting. Focusing on the good and the positive can open up a world of opportunities to be friends with an ex and actually, the familiarity without the sex or intimacy has been known to create lifelong friendships. Redefining your relationship with someone you once loved needn’t be a chore or a burden.
So, how do we go about redefining a relationship? Three Cs…
Communication — many couples stop communicating during their relationship and it’s only after that they can reconnect and actually listen to each other.
Consideration — having empathy really helps us to connect. We might not understand or even agree with someone’s actions or perspective, but trying to walk in their shoes for a minute is a must in moving forward.
Compromise — meeting somewhere in the middle when it comes to reconnecting with an ex makes for a slightly less fractious start. There’s a great saying in this regard, “Don’t expect more of a man (or woman) than he (or she) is willing or able to give.” Keeping expectations realistic and being open and honest with an ex can instil trust and respect as well as establishing boundaries so everyone knows where they stand.
In terms of proof, I am it. My ex and I are now good friends and raising our daughter together whilst we’re not together is turning out to be full of joy. Making it to the Nativity together, putting on a brilliant birthday weekend for her and being there as a team for her is our sole priority but the perks of hanging out and having a laugh are definitely a bonus too. In a New York Times Modern Love column titled “Happily Ever, After We Split,” Wendy Paris details the evolution of her relationship with her husband through the divorce process and how separating brought them closer together. Heidi Klum and Seal are still best of friends, JLo and Marc Anthony are raising twins as friends…
Gwynny and Chris from Coldplay parted ways with their famous expression, ‘conscious uncoupling’ which, at the time seemed rather controversial (and sounded a tad pretentious) but in reality, it’s exactly what’s happening.
Uncoupling with grace and moving forward as friends… The modern day, ‘happily ever after.’
