Reservation for One

I’ve come to the realization that after every major breakup, I always look for something to occupy my time / attention. Whether it’s a new social project, a new hobby, or even a new hairstyle; I always seem to look for a “fresh start.” It wasn’t until recently that I realized, I was my own void that I always try to fill. I’ve always heard the term “me time”, but never really understood the meaning of it. In my eyes, “me time” was being home alone, in the most comfortable, oversized sweats, binge watching any marathon that was giving on TV at that moment. Yet that is a great way for some R&R, it is not what “me time” is about.

I’m understanding that there’s more to it than just a “lazy day,” for me it became a revelation of myself, to love myself above and before all. When I put it into perspective, I did need this “me time”, because I lost sight of who I was and that was a frightful thought. A breakup will do a lot to a person, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It will make you question and overthink everything, and the craziest part about it is that at the end of it all, you put the blame on yourself and end up thinking that you’re the ‘bad guy.’ You start to think of all that you could’ve done differently or the things that you haven’t done (the ‘what ifs’.) Luckily for me I felt all the above, and my mind became my own hell. From my insecurity, to the fear of being alone; I reached a low point in my life and questioned every single action I’ve done in the past and started to believe that I was the problem. The sad part about it is that, we are so afraid of being alone that we will freely stay in the shittiest situations to maintain that ‘companionship.’ I see it happen almost every day and it was good to know that I wasn’t the only one going through it, but I refused to be a part of that group. I have been working to improve such flaws, and to just be comfortable with being alone. I can honestly say that I am proud of my progression and the best part about it, is that it is only the beginning. I want to clarify something that most people seem to confuse: just because I want company, does not make me dependent. I can do a lot for myself and by myself, but it doesn’t mean that I choose solidarity forever.

I understood that before any other relationship; I must establish and maintain a positive and healthy relationship with myself. You start to notice a complete change in your mindset and how you view certain things, and people when you start putting your needs before others. I started asking myself questions like; “Is this something I want to do, with this group of people”, “will this make me happy”, “how will I benefit from this” etc. It all sounded very selfish and I had to come to terms and know that it is okay to be selfish, cause if you don’t do it for yourself, who will do it for you? In understanding myself better, I had to think and write down a list of things that made me happy, mad, and scared. If I didn’t know these things about myself, how could I possibly expect my future partner to know? I wrote many lists, such as my pros v. cons and things that I wish to do, a ‘Mini Bucket List.’ It was the ‘mini bucket list’ that really opened my eyes. It was the most simplistic list, and living in New York, everything was easily accessible. I didn’t do the things on my list because my ‘significant’ other did not want to do it. At the time, I thought it was me compromising with the other person; being considerate, but how could that be if I wasn’t doing any of the things that I wanted to do? Because of this, I started doing things by myself and it felt amazing. The only thing I became concerned with was making myself happy, and that’s exactly what was happening. I honestly believe that everyone should try this at least once, to learn that your happiness does not depend on the company of others. You don’t know what you’re missing out when trying to please everyone but yourself. Also, know that going out by yourself is not an issue, I say that because I would tell people I’m going to the movies by myself and every reaction was, “what’s wrong,” as if I had a problem! (LOL) What was so wrong going to the movies or dinner by yourself? Not a damn thing! For me it built self-courage and independency, cause never in a million years would I have thought about doing things as such and I can say that I am building as a person because of it.

​Below is a list of the things that I still wish to do our have done by myself, please feel free to add to the list!

Mini Bucket List:

• Go to a fancy restaurant or bar
• • Go to the movies
• • Exploring new food spots/ cafes
• • Go to a museum
• • See an Off-Broadway play
• • See a ballet
• • Go to a golf / shooting range
• • Visit an art gallery

So, I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings.

- Nick Frederickson