Seven Blissful Days Alone (and Other Unfathomable Single Mom Accomplishments)
I am writing from the last night of my week-long “staycation”. It’s the first time I have felt true freedom in aloneness.
My son is on vacation with his father in England. I decided to take the week off work and do ALL THE THINGS. You know, typical vacation things like cleaning, organising, repotting plants, smoking pot, clothing donations, etc…all the exhilarating fun stuff, like I said.
Some context behind my fun-fuelled week though (the short version for those that haven’t been following my newly-single-person-also-a-mom adventures in dating):
- I ended my 14 year-long relationship 14 months ago.
- I have a son, he’s six.
- I have joint custody with my ex; it’s working well and our son is thriving.
- I work full-time.
My week off comes a week after the remortgaging of my house finally concluded (I bought out my ex). It was supposed to be a two-month ordeal and it took eight. It almost broke me financially, mentally and emotionally. I was so stressed that my hair started falling out, my gums started bleeding and my periods became extremely erratic. I was sleeping like shit. It was the most stressed I’ve ever felt.
But on 30 July, it all ended. I got a small buffer of cash in the process and was able to pay off all my (outstanding) bills and could now afford to take care of things around the house I’ve been itching to do since I’ve been single. I could breathe. It was the relief of the financial strain ending but also the relief that came from severing another tether with my ex.
So if you, like me, are a newly single woman in her 30s who is also a parent and you also have some days off by yourself (and you can’t afford a beach vacation), may I recommend doing the following things:
1. Make your space yours
My ex was always rolling his eyes when I’d bring a new plant home. So, I bought a fucking greenhouse worth of plants and now my home is slowly evolving into the urban jungle of my dreams.
I put my old bed in storage and bought a hardwood four-poster bed. I went to Ikea (I can be in and out in 30 minutes: it’s an art) and bought sheer white curtains, hacked them, and sewed them into pretty tie-top drapes for the bed.
And then I covered it in plants (which was the only reason I bought such a bedframe).
Then, I completely made over my balcony with a stylish sofa lounge set — and then I covered as much as I could with plants. I repurposed an old wooden ladder and hung tiers of lavender. I disguised my worm compost with those feathery grasses.
I walk into my house now and feel pure joy. On paper, the house is (finally) mine and now I’m pouring my love into it.
2. Get rid of shit
I made so many trips to the garbage, recycling and clothing donation bins this week. I Marie Kondo’d the fuck out of all the spaces I’d been shoving crap into for the past three years: closets, drawers and the storage room. I gave my son’s out-played-with puzzles, toys and outgrown clothes to our neighbour.
Also, the added benefit of clearing clutter is that I suddenly had more space for plants.
Joy, joy, no joy, good riddance.
3. Take care of what’s been neglected.
I love plants, but some don’t love me back. Instead of repotting, pruning or whispering sweet-nothings, I allowed some of my plants to wither away. Part of me thinks this was a reflection of the stress I was feeling for so long. In any case, dead plants aren’t nice to be around so they had to go.
Same goes for the pile of papers. We all have one. The mail that’s too important to recycle but still needs to be ‘dealt with’. It’s the “get to it later” pile. Mine was getting too big. I filed old tax documents, sorted my son’s artwork and recycled the rest.
I also tackled the “get to it later” chair of random crap and the junk drawer(s).
4. Spend money on yourself without guilt
Of everything in this list, this is by far the hardest to do for me. And I suspect this is probably the case with a lot of you mothers reading this. More often than not, I spend more on a pair of shoes for my six-year-old than myself. I allow myself three haircuts a year. Clothes shopping is done begrudgingly, often making return trips back to a store to justify the spending.
This week, I got a manicure. I got a 60-minute massage followed by a 45-minute float in a sensory deprivation tank. I bought furniture for the spaces I spend the most time in. I bought a new pen. I bought a lot (a lot!) of plants.
Before I spent anything, I made sure my bills were paid and I was fully budgeted for the months ahead. There’s nothing worse than finally capitulating on a treat for yourself only to realise that you’re short on next month’s property tax bill
5. Celebrate with people who make you laugh
I promised myself that once my remortgaging was over and I could love-up my house, I’d have a bit of a ‘freedom party’ to celebrate with my friends.
I wanted them to walk into my house and feel the joy that I feel here. And they did. I felt a sense of comfort and ease entertaining and wasn’t concerned about the mess, the stickiness, the noise, or the broken bowl.
I invited every neighbour I crossed this week to check out what I’d been up to. It’s not everyday your neighbour walks over with a shit-eating grin and says: “Hey Mark! Want to see my bedroom?!”
I feel such a sense of lightness and freedom in my home now. It’s truly a reflection of who I am and I don’t think that’s easy to achieve.
And finally, a bonus piece of advice when you have unencumbered days off, mamas…
6. Smoke weed, whenever you want
I am not much of a drinker, I come from a long line of seasoned pot aficionados and being a parent, well, I have to manage when I can smoke (when I don’t have my son or sometimes when he’s in bed).
I live in Amsterdam, so as you can imagine, it’s pretty easy to buy good weed. On my time off, I woke up every morning, made coffee, rolled a joint and sat outside on my beautiful balcony and got high, watching the bees dip into my lavender and listening to the breeze blow through the trees.
An important conclusion
Most importantly, I did all of this BY MY OWN DAMN SELF. I dismantled a giant bedframe and hauled a 2m x 2.2m mattress into storage by myself. I got up onto a 3.5m ladder to hang plants on the ceiling by myself. I worked my ass off this week but it was all for me, for once.
I’ve finally achieved that moment of freedom in my singleness. I don’t want to date (read my previous stuff and you’ll know why), I don’t want to pick up my phone every time a dating app tells me to.
I don’t want or need the validation of some dude to tell me I’m an incredible, strong, fierce, beautiful, smart independent woman. It took a long time to feel that way and I’m so relieved I got there.
