Should the guy always pay?
Please, can we stop making this harder than it needs to be?
Recently, I ended things with a guy because our dating was leaving me financially worse off.
He began requesting that we ‘go halves’ from around our second or third date. Okay, I thought: dude hasn’t got cash to splash. But Mr Generous had a lot fancier tastes than me, and was also a bigger drinker. And we’d still go halves.
Now, we were not casual dating. Yes, it could be that he wasn’t serious about me, and that’s why he wasn’t paying. I don’t know as unfortunately, I can’t read minds.
I didn’t tell him I found this to be unacceptable. The last time it happened, I just paid and quietly decided that it wouldn’t be happening again. I do need to be a little clearer on my standards about this up front (guilty).
Here’s what I would say in an ideal world:
Your sweet nothings don’t mean a thing, son. Words are cheap. What makes me feel good n loved is you paying for my dinner. Or at the very least, me not footing the bill for your ridiculous champagne habit.
The issue of whether men should pay for dates is arse-breakingly boring. Like, I want not to have to think about this ever again.
It would be nice if there were some clear cut rules on it, but there isn’t, and so we need to use our common sense. Sadly, I find this to be lacking still.
It’s contentious, but here is what I suggest is appropriate:
The guy always pays on the first date. Yes, it’s unfair. But so are periods. Even if it emerges afterwards that you think the whole men paying thing is BS, and we laugh about it, that’s okay. Just stop making a big deal out of it.
If you haven’t got a load of cash, don’t take her anywhere expensive. A woman with her feet on the ground won’t give a toss where you take her.
The next few dates: You still pick up the tab. If you’re broke, then tell her and if she’s into you, she’ll be happy with something low-key and your charming company. If she doesn’t want to date your broke arse, accept it and move on.
If you two become an item: We start paying our share of course, and even treating you on occasion. Unless the date is super expensive and you chose it. Then, you should pay. Just like if she selected it, then she can foot the bill.
How to deal with women who INSIST on paying?
Let them pay. Unless you enjoy arguing in public, just go with it.
How to deal with women who offer to pay
I never insist on paying, but I do offer to pay.
I do not do a ‘false reach’. I actually go reach for my purse because I have been psychologically scarred by dates with cheap dudes who have zero standards.
Sometimes, I can see the guy in an inner battle about whether to accept my offer. I can see it’s hard, so maybe this’ll help:
Don’t accept. If you like her, do not accept.
She isn’t trying to test you; she’s probably just trying to spare any awkwardness.
Play it safe. If you say ‘sure go for it’, even if she smiles sweetly, you may have just bitten the dust.
