Six New Year’s Resolutions I’m Actually Going to Keep (and be healthier for it)
- Have more sex. Everyone is stressed AF and tired AF and broke AF but make up your mind to do it anyway. It’s FREE, so fuck like rabbits while you still can! Plus, we could all use the cardio (especially since you’ll join the gym but never actually go just like you have off and on for the last 15 years.)
- Laugh more. Don’t hold back — take that hand away from your mouth and let the guffaws roll loose from your deep in your belly. Fart, too, while you’re at it, and then laugh even harder.
- Eat more delicious food. Savor that shit..try something different! Life is short, for Pete’s sake.
- Be more ridiculous. (Similar to “Laugh More” but different.) Watch Chewbecca Mom for reference. Pack your bathing suit and cannonball into a hotel pool! If you run out of ideas, mimic the children to whom fun comes naturally. If you’re super uptight, at least wear fun socks. Rebels come in all motherfuckin’ sock sizes.
5. Be more active. Dancing comes to mind. It’s the only time exercise doesn’t feel like a chore, and there’s no reason at all not to find time to dance more often. Remember, you don’t need to dance well. In fact, it’s better if you can’t dance at all. You just need to be willing to shake your money-maker, or money-taker, or whatever you wanna call it. For extra credit, find a burlesque dance class and talk about your nipple-tassels at the next dinner party. Everyone feels a little tinge of horniness when they hear the words “nipple tassels.” Say I’m wrong.
Or join a kick-ball team. What do I care?
6. Practice karaoke like your life depends on that shit. In the car, on your back porch, in the shower. Wherever you like to belt it out. Even if you never actually sing the song in public, make sure you have at least one song backwards and forwards. Know every word and every note. Have a song and sing, sing, sing it! I’m singing Neko Case’s “I Wish I Was the Moon” as I write this, and god, it feels good.
Happy New Year!
Wishin’ you much peace and joy and more importantly — nipple tassels,
-KrisCross
