Sometimes Love Isn’t Enough
A Grandson’s Journey of Destruction
There is nothing like the arrival of a new grandchild. We get to have all the joy of childbirth without all the pain and little of the responsibility. Our only job is spoiling them, or so it should be.
Braydon came into the world following a 3000 mile round trip to retrieve his mom and dad and bring them home. The living conditions in their home state had become intolerable.
Our son had just married his long time, now pregnant, girlfriend and needed a leg up. We were more than willing to help. We loved having our children and grandchildren close to us.
Within a couple of months Braydon arrived. But by the age of eight he had been abandoned by his mother even though she had full custody after the divorce and by sixteen his father had kicked him out of his home too.
My wife and I talked it over and despite Braydon’s growing meth addiction we had him come to live with us. After all, we reasoned, a stable home life would probably go a long way towards helping him overcome his addiction.
Instead, over the next ten years we got an education in useless treatments, overpriced multiple rehabs and a fringe sub-culture we didn’t know existed.
It breaks your heart when you experience one of your grandchildren taking a path that will ultimately lead to their destruction. You encourage your children and grandchildren with the usual, “You have so much potential” platitude. But sometimes that can only add unneeded pressure to succeed on your terms, not theirs.
Braydon lived two lives: positive adult seeking and getting life changing opportunities and secret functional addict ruining those opportunities. Eventually though, his addiction caught up with him. His drug addled brain became incapable of keeping his lies straight.
He’d leave his Facebook page open on our computer so we could see his interactions with his druggie friends. Or he would borrow his grandma’s phone and not erase texts arranging drug meets or hangouts. Maybe it was a cry for help but it didn’t feel like it.
I try to feel bad for him but it’s hard. He was given so many opportunities for a good life. He is an affable, likable guy so he didn’t’ have any problem getting good jobs and even educational opportunities. But then with his first big paycheck he’d go out and buy a bunch of drugs and then start missing work and get fired or just not show up one day.
And then there’s the peer group. Like minded friends who make you feel at home when you have drugs but will beat you up and steal from you when you run out. Or steal from your grandparents when you’re not looking. We had a couple of his friends who were visiting him haul off our 60 inch plasma TV while he was in the shower. Plasma TV’s aren’t light but they managed to get it out of the basement and into their car without anyone noticing.
I had to regularly clean his room since he seemed incapable of it and it did give me a chance to search for paraphernalia and empty out the bottles of urine he stored in his room so he didn’t have to take the ten steps to the bathroom.
Of course it didn’t take me long to notice the large empty space where the TV was supposed to be.
When I asked where it was I got the usual blank stare and his go to answer. “Braydon, where’s the TV?” “What TV, grandpa?”
Let me stop right there. This could turn into a book rather than a story if I tried to recount all the “Adventures of Braydon”.
So, what did I learn after 10 years of living with an addict?
- You can’t cure them. They have to cure themselves.
- Some of your “loving” behavior is actually “enabling” behavior.
- Seven of your friends dying of overdoses in one year are NOT a deterrent to your drug use.
- Most rehab facilities are more for generating profits, not helping addicts.
- Your peer group will be more than happy to help you perpetuate your addictive lifestyle. It means more sources to sustain theirs.
- There is a large group of disenfranchised young people just under the societal RADAR living lives of self-induced isolation.
- It could be easy to let his self-destructive behavior become your self-destructive behavior.
- Arguments over how much help we should give him brought us the closest we’ve ever been to getting a divorce.
- Just like vampires, never let an addict cross your door step.
I saw Braydon just the other day. He had just spent 30 days in jail. It’s sad to say he looked better than he had in a long time. Regular meals and sleeping in a bed had been good for him. Unfortunately he has moved on from meth to heroin, has contracted hepatitis and is wrestling with Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA). A long name for a serious blood infection.
Despite all this, it goes without saying, I love my grandson. I hate his addiction and his choices for the ways in which he deals with his feelings of loss. I fear for him, fear for his survival, mentally and physically as he goes down this path he has chosen to follow. He is searching for guidance but the direction he’s taken is only destroying his life and not leading to the salvation he’s seeking.
