Split Second

Yup! The picture here is basically me… This picture describes me perfectly.

Today, there was a split second that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

For the split second I didn't recognize myself.

I looked again, and I didn't recognize myself again…

My arms thinner, my face leaner, my skin darker, my stomach flatter, my clothes too big and my eyes — they had no colour in them. Dull. Lifeless.

For a minute I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself and asking myself how I had reached this point in my life. How was it possible that I had made it here, without Mr. W by my side?

I didn't recognize myself because the part of me that I loved the most now lives in Dublin. He was that one part of me I loved truthfully, wholly, even through all of the discouragement that was, I loved him more than I did myself. This was a mistake I made, because I had to love myself more and I had to stand up for what I wanted, what I believed in and for the man that I loved. This one single person, the one I loved more than I did myself, ever, is the one person that now hates me. That person is the one who said to me “I don’t love you. That’s all I have”.

To have that part of you, the part that you loved more than what you did yourself ripped away from you, ignore you, be angry at you, be rude to you, be all these things that he never was towards you, it fucking hurts. It kills me slowly but surely… I’m being ignored and I’m being tossed aside.

The part of me that I loved the most is hating me. And as dramatic as this may sound, it feels like my body is rejecting itself.

My friends keep telling me that I’m running into a brick-wall. That what I keep doing is stupid. That I keep hurting myself. I have no right to know whats happening in his life anymore… I have nothing to do with him anymore. Great! Thanks for the fantastic advice, but remember Only those who have felt it, those who have truly tasted it understand what love truly means, its real effect. For words can only indicate, can tell you only the symptoms of love, but not the actual feeling of love that is magical and sublime and a feeling unlike anything else in this whole world.