Substitutes.

You woke up in the middle of the night abruptly — yes, that sensation of your heart skipping a beat as if you’ve slipped from the staircase — and it was the most annoying way to wake up. You touched the side of your eyes and wipe the excess water with the palm of your hand. This was the first time you cried in your sleep.

Usually you’d hold your tears in. Or when it had to burst, the tears stopped before you sleep. But you’ve never waked up feeling so bad. You felt as if there was a whole in your chest, an emotion so bad you had to curl up to that fetal position, hoping someone’s arms would hug you, whispered to you that everything was going to be alright, and pat your arms lightly till you fell back to sleep.

You knew that sensation very well. People don’t crave for something they know nothing of.

But now the air around you stay cold, that warm touch left in your memories. And perhaps your memory was trying to trick you. Those arms and that body heat mustn’t feel that good before. Or else, you would’ve cherish it more that time around. Curl onto those arms longer. Hug longer. Spend more time together.

This wasn’t then. So you did the next best thing you could. Saying at the fetal position, arms pulling the blanket, curling tighter and burrying your head in. Not being able to go back to sleep, you snickered.

You thought you’ve had things under your belt. All loose ends covered.

You obviously don’t.

Going back to sleep was really what you want to do. Yet all your sense were heightened. You could hear the soft ticks of the clock and the buzzing noice the air-con was making. You could even feel the cold air going through your blanket onto your skin.

You opened your eyes, rolling your eyes and pushing your body to move. You woke up from your bed and turned on your bedside lamp. The heater was across the room and heater was usually only necessary once the weather outside hits zero. It was not even below 10 degree.

Sighing you walked up across the room. As you turned on the heater, your eye caught a glimpse of a handwritten note, decorated with some stick figures doodles. “Always be happy” it says.

Like a stab from a sharp object, a sudden jolt of emotion came into your chest. You can’t exactly categorized it as sad, but it made your eyes somewhat watery and the sides of your lips curled upwards.

You felt warm heat rushing through your body. Perhaps the heater was working faster than you thought.

Climbing back to bed you adjusted yourself and closed your eyes.

Substitutes were never going to be good enough, but for now treasuring some good memories are enough.